sticky bun book

Page 131: Sometimes... (Part 13)

2012-02-01T01:27:00.000+07:00

Sometimes,

no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that everything will be all right,

you just know that not all things would be.

And sometimes,

no matter how hard you gave your best to get something,

no matter how many nights you've spent praying to make your wishes come true,

you just can’t make it happen.

In the future you may find the meaning of the failure; how thoughtful and delighting.

Or you may not. You'll find nothing.
But as long as you're still breathing, you're still doing okay

Sometimes,

not all things made for life;

for your life, and that’s just the way it is.

That’s life.

It is absurd.

Deal with it.

"It's al-right, it's al-right, it's al-right

No one's got it all"

Page 130: Waluya Sejati Abadi Nursing Home

2012-01-30T13:19:00.000+07:00

What if suddenly everything surrounds you change? Your neighbors distrust you, even slander you. Government put a verdict of guilty for an issue which you felt you had nothing to do with it. And you have to spend years in jail, away from your family.

These tough women had experienced it.

They have been accused as communist (or member of Communist Party of Indonesia) during Soeharto regime. As we know in this country, back in those days, communism have been falsely accused as something despicable, cruel… Evil.

Even until now, a lot of people still think that communism and communist could threaten their life.

I met them on the first day of Lunar New Year. Thanks to Yoppy who took me there. Actually I wanted to capture Sin Cia Eve celebration and the day after, when people go to the temple. But shortly after he texted me that he wanted to visit a nursing home for ex political prisoners named Waluya Sejati Abadi, I changed my mind. Besides, i had family gathering on the day before Lunar New Year, so i couldn't hunt Sin Cia Eve.

So we went there. They have been very friendly, not only with Yoppy who already visited them before, but to me too. It’s been a nice few hours to had a little chat with them.

:)

Page 129: Happiness Trigger #11 - 12

2012-01-27T23:05:00.000+07:00

#11

Origami

I love How About Orange. This blog filled with nice DIYtutorials, including how to make origami. Well, actually Jessica Jones, the blog owner foundvideo instructions for making a cat bookmark designed by Jo Nakashima on YouTube.Just like her, I tried it out. And I agree with her, some steps were tricky,but I managed to prevail (after more than 45 minutes, haha)!

I also tried another origami Jo Nakashima—the 3D version of kitten origami.

After those cats, I found video instruction for making penguin.So I tried it out and found that folding Mr. Penguin was way easier than thecat. I also saw video for making dragon, but I thought I’m going to save it foranother day :D.

#12

Little cousins, Nephews and Nieces

Kissing, playing, hugging, and blow bubbles. I love you,guys! :)

Page 128: drugs and nine lives

2012-01-26T00:27:00.000+07:00

Tugu Tani Accident was tragic and terrifying. Am shocked and grieved. Pray for all the victims and deep condolences to victims' families... That reckless driver is a murderer, hence she must be judged and punished accordingly.

image courtesy: here

Page 127: Road Trip Vietnam – Cambodia (part 3)

2012-01-25T02:17:00.000+07:00

“Lame travel writer!” said the voice inside my head, every time I visited my friend’s blog, Galuh. Why? Because I still haven’t finish my writings about my May road trip – yes, MAY! Last year! – while she always post about her trip as fast as she could. Ok, I promise to keep writing about it. So, where were we? Ow, (still) Siem Reap.

As I wrote on previous post, the ticket to enter Angkor for one day allow you to watch the sunset on the first day and sunrise on the next day. The sun is rising around 5 am so we must get up really early, hop on Tuk-tuk, and find the perfect spot. That was the plan. And we did it! Yippie-ay-yay! And the magic we had the day before repeat itself with different tones of colors. The dark sky slowly turned bright with pink and blue, those colors wasn’t mixed, but divide and made the sky look like it has a stripe pattern. I took some pictures of it, but trust me, if you see it with your own eyes, it much much prettier.

We also heard a chorus of crickets again. Soothing, calming, mesmerizing. :)

After sun rise, we went to some small restaurant to have breakfast before touring around Angkor. The first temple we visited that day was Angkor Wat again, because at previous day we haven’t got the chance to explore more regarding remaining time before it went so freaking dark and spooky. It’s huuuugeeeee. And hot, literary.

After Angkor Wat, our next temple was Bayon. This temple is famous for the massive stone faces on it, which jut out from the upper terrace and cluster around its central peak. From Bayon, we visited two temples; The Terrace of the Elephants and Terrace of the Leper King by feet.

bayon

The Terrace of The Elephants

At the Terrace of the Leper King, we saw a guy who took pictures of himself in front of the camera with self-timer mode and although we laughed at first because he looked ridiculous, Dinda finally asked him, “hey mister! Do you want us to take picture for you?” The moment after he agreed, guess what, Dinda asked me to be the one to do the favor she offered! Hahahaha. As reciprocity, he took our pictures in front of the temple.

Terrace of the Leper King

After three temples, we started to feel tired, probably also caused by lack of sleep. Oh, allow me to share a story about a guy named Von. He was our Tuk-tuk driver whom Sovan (hostel officer) recommended to us. Von was a skinny teenage with pretty bad English, hehe. He didn’t understand when we told him that we didn’t want to enter any temples after Prasat Ta Phrom. As a result, one of us had to enter those temples *yes, it was me* so we could stop arguing and he’d take us to our next destination which was some floating market. But his “actions” didn’t stop there. Well, actually it was our fault too. We told Von we want to buy some merchandise to Old Market, but we weren’t just shopping, we also had lunch there. It made us late and when we came to Von, he told us that he caught some fever which made him couldn’t take us to that floating market, but his friend could. So we continued our trip with this Bat-Tuk *I forgot his name, but I remember that he has black Tuk-tuk with batman icon on it*.

Ta Keo temple

inside my favorite temple at Angkor, Prasat Ta Prohm

When we got there, that so-called-floating-market, it was mmmm, unattractive. Haha. And the ticket to rent the boat was expensive. So we stood at its pier like three clueless idiots for a while and laughing, because we thought it’s a bit embarrassing to catch up to Bat-Tuk immediately and say, “hey, yo, Bat-Tuk driver, let’s go back to town. We don’t want to pay 15 bucks to hop on to that boat which looks unsteady, tracing that brown river. The truth is we don’t have money for that kind of ‘luxury’. Yep. Warp speed, buddy!”
After a minute or so, we approached Bat-Tuk and told him that we want to go back to hostel because we’re so tired and choose to get some rest. *what? Are you expecting us told him the truth that we’re not that rich to bought the ticket? Come on? We have to keep our pride. :p *

Near the hostel, the Bat-Tuk driver dropped us. His reason was because if hostel officer see it, he and Von would be in trouble. Right after we followed his instruction, he asked us money for took us to that floating market pier. At first, we refused, because we thought Von would be the one who gave it to him, split the money from his fee from hostel. So Bat-Tuk driver called him, and Von came, looked so fresh and healthy *oh that little sly…he tricked us. Hahaha*. But I guess we’re too kind because at the end, we paid them both and kept our mouth zipped when Sovan sensed something wrong. Anyway, it was fun yet tiring day.

Notes:

Beware of a young skinny boy named Von! Hehe. Nah, I’m kidding. Bring 2-3 big bottles of water to keep you away from dehydration and hand fan because Angkor is so hot.

Ta Keo temple has a very steep staircases, because it was built for meditating and worshiping, so people will focus on their ritual and come down from its top with slow movement and show respects for gods. So watch your step at this temple.

[To be continued…]

Page 126: Jeux d'enfants

2012-01-21T01:42:00.000+07:00

"the present should be enough.

i guess.

i saw us going on like this for years"

- Sophie Kowalsky -

---

one of the greatest love movies I've ever watched.

but life is not a movie.

and you're not as gorgeous as Guillaume Canet

so screw you, Magneto...

Page 125: Sometimes... (Part 12)

2012-01-18T17:12:00.002+07:00

sometimes in life...

patience is the only weapon we got

@gadismarathon

Page 124: Devil’s Whisper

2012-01-18T00:13:00.000+07:00

Your brown eyes are my blue skies
They light up the rivers that the birds fly over
Better not to quench your thirst
Better not to be the first one diving in though you caught me and you know why

Warpaint, Undertow

Have you ever wondered what it's like if we’re a couple, not just (close) friends like we are now?
Have you ever pictured me as a woman, not just some silly girl who could make you laugh, most of the times, since the day we met years ago?
Have you ever felt jealous, even a bit - like a bee stung you inside your chest – when I told you about some guy who gave me attentions or attracted me, just like the one I felt when you told me about those chicks from your past?

Have you?

Because I’m afraid I fall for you, again…dear Magneto.

image from here

Shoot. Can’t you see the same hole that had trapped you before, tia?!

"But I guess this isn’t about me. It’s about you needing something different than what I can give you. This “thing’ is elusive..."

Ryan O'Connell

Ah, well, better shake the devil’s whisper inside the head. Shake it out! And yes, I know I should stop writing this kind of crap. Hahaha. It's so cheesy.
So let’s dance with Mr. Kapranos and that silly unicorn until I forget! :D

image courtesy: here

Page 123: Officially Moving Out & Live Together

2012-01-09T18:36:00.000+07:00

It's kind of funny when some of your blabbers in the past finally came true. Here's an example of it. I've known the bride since we were still in high school. We went to the same university, different faculty, but lived in the same boarding house. Back to those days, once she said that one day, when she get married and I already have a camera, I should handle her pre-wedding pictures. We giggled at that time, because we were still so young and that dreams seemed quite far away.

It happened; I got my own camera few years ago. And she told me she was going to be a bride, few months ago.

Long story short, after brainstorming about the concept "Officially Moving Out & Live Together", we took the pictures at some field in Soekarno Hatta airport. *yep, it's not Puncak, people! Hehe. Thanks to Veve who had shared about this site*. At night, we went to Kedai to take the pictures for "dating" theme. It's a tiring yet fun day. I love taking pictures of couple who fall for each other.

Here are some of those pictures I've taken that day.

Congrats, Deriz Rieskanoerbachra.

Hopefully love and happiness stays around both of you,

for happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Take care :)

Page 122: What Ever Happened

2012-01-06T01:18:00.001+07:00

i don't hate you

i really don't

i just don't care about you

as much as i used to

and that's ok

---

"you don't miss me. i know
//
i've got you to let me down"

---

yeah,

you don't miss me

you don't

you won't

and that's ok

Page 121: 05012012 & 27

2012-01-05T00:25:00.001+07:00

a birthday card for myself :)

just realized that 05012012 is a cute numbers, eh? :p

Page 120: “Alexander” and 2011

2011-12-29T02:30:00.000+07:00

"Alexander" is a sad story. Some kind of contemplative and locupletative trigger. Told me to let a lot of things go, because “your hands were not made to palm the stars.” True. In reality those stars were meant for my sight only; visual pleasures only. I should keep some real things real, and some dreams only live in a cozy alcove with my blue unicorn.

“Start running, please don't stop,” he said. So those chains won't capture me.
Good reason. I ran. And I got tired. And then I remembered that my hands were not made to palm the stars. Perhaps my feet were not made to run forever. So I stopped because maybe those chains already got tired too and not long enough to chase me. I made it. I was fast enough to beat them, or maybe because I’m not 71. Not yet.

“Alexander” reminds me of my parents. Reminds me of a man I once loved who already passed away. Reminds me to keep living life before I can't breathe, clutching someone, and my face turn to pale, and the panic nailed to my eyes.

“Alexander” was on my playlist,
heavy rotation,
sometimes the only one in the list,
two months before the year’s end.
2011.

2011…
I ran, I had a sad story, I got tired, I gave up on some things and some people, I failed. But I’ve got enlightened on some issues also. Found more silver linings to grip. 2011 is Alexander. *by the way, I’ve met the guy who wrote and sing it, in person. Nice coincidence, eh? :)

image courtesy: Ken Jenie

2011 stuffed with sucks things:
1.    Broken hearted (again). But I had moved on. A friend told me that the guy, the one I used to call “my dear nothing”, dating a girl now. I won’t say I’m happy for him. Because I’m not, for this time. But I’m happy because that news wasn’t making me feel like a wrecking ball. I keep rolling. I’m happy for me. :)
2.    Failed on some test. Got to learn harder.
3.    Lost my wallet with some money in it.
4.    Reshuffled friendship. But I believe that everyone who was in my journey is meant to be in it, but not everyone is meant to stay there. Fully aware of that. That’s just the way it is.

2011 also filled with good things:
1.    Had a fun and fantastic trip to Vietnam and Cambodia with my best friends. Still working on to write about the journey. Lame travel writer, I am. Haha.
2.    Get a new job that hopefully can gratify my interest in education. Thank God I have nice and lunatic colleagues in this new place. Haha.

3. Met one of my favorite authors: Jostein Gaarder. Oh, for you who want to get the copy of his lecture material about human and environment could leave a message, and then I’ll send it (hopefully) right away.

4. Fixed my broken heart.
5. Finishing two independent projects.

May next year bring us more goodness. And no doomsday just like the one been described in Mayan prophecy! :))

Page 119: S07E08 Hope

2011-12-24T12:38:00.002+07:00

Just watched one of my favorite TV series, Criminal Minds, and in the episode “Hope” – which has a sick character as unsub, Bill - appeared this nice quote from American mythologist, writer and lecturer, Joseph Campbell,

"Find a place inside where there's joy,

and the joy will burn out the pain."

Then I searched again for his quotes and I found some. These are my favorites:

“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.”

“I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.”

“Life is without meaning.

You bring the meaning to it.

The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be.

Being alive is the meaning.”

Those words are soothing and calming if you let them make you feel that way. Keep living life, people! :)

Page 118: Textbook*

2011-12-23T02:22:00.000+07:00

Helen: You've got to make plans
Poppy: A five-year plan? Like Stalin? (laughing)
Helen: You’ve got to take life seriously. You can’t get drunk every night, partying, however much fun it is. I just want you to be happy, that’s all
Poppy: I’m not drunk all night. I am happy
Helen: I don’t think you are

That's one of my favorite conversations from Happy Go Lucky. When Poppy (Sally Hawkins) visited her younger sister, Helen who's married and pregnant at that time. It reminds me of some people around me who accidentally - or on purpose - act like Helen. Those people regularly said that at my age, I supposed to start thinking about my life. In a serious way.

They said it’s time for me start thinking about actions need to be taken for long-term effects. They said it's time for me to stop or reduce the frequency of coming to concert. They said “don’t be such hedonists” (hahaha. This one is funny!). They said that I must get married soon and becoming a mother (well, still looking for my future husband). They told me not to look for scholarships for master degree; women are destined to serves husband anyway. They said - and obtrude - …oh too many. Sometimes I replied by joking, sometimes seriously, but sometimes just smiling because it’s a bit exhausting talking with people who consider their opinions are unbeatable.

It feels funny. Because - as far as i can remember - I never criticized the way they live their lives. I only give advice when they ask.

I mean, I think about my life. I saved up some money. I want to get married and have kid(s). But that does not mean that I must follow their words because they think, that's the way it is. I think as long as the person does not feel the loss through life like that, or harm no one, we should let them be. When I told them that every person has their own way of looking at and living life, they tried to convince me that human life is like a textbook. There are activities and phase for every age. See? They’re so look like Helen or what? Haha.

But then again I remember what Poppy said after Helen try to convince her that Poppy is not happy. Poppy said, “I love my life. Yeah, it can be tough at times. That’s part of it, isn’t it? I’ve got amazing friends, I love my freedom. I’m a lucky lady. I know that.”

Well, I think one of the most important things is know what you've got and what you want. And live with it... Because human are so much more than a textbook. And if “Helens” can’t deal with it, so be it, it’s their problem anyway. :D

---

*old post, 2 years ago. Re-post it to convince a friend - or anyone - that your happiness doesn't depend on others' statement(s) or approval. It's in you. Cheers!

Page 117: For No Particular Reason

2011-12-19T23:19:00.000+07:00

For no particular reason, i love...

1) EEYORE the gloomy donkey

"It's bad enough being miserable,
but it is even worse when everyone else claims to be miserable too"

- EEYORE -

and

2) KENNY MCCORMICK the "getting-killed-in-some-weird-or-grotesque-way" boy

Page 116: Happines Trigger #9 - 10

2011-12-09T08:22:00.001+07:00

#9
watching the sun go down in my office after working

#10
knowing that a good friend dealing with her broken heart. it's good to know when your words can make someone feel better, eh?

Page 115: Design Thinking for Educators

2011-12-03T10:22:00.000+07:00

Every day, the education system in every school involves design process, from daily schedules to feedback systems, so it’s safe to say that teachers are designers, but all this time people never realize this, even the teachers themselves. An independent school in New York City called Riverdale Country School has teamed up with IDEO, an award-winning global design firm, to bring up the attention to this matter and to help the teachers on developing their own potential and embrace the opportunities to design a better education system. With a program called Design Thinking, Riverdale Country School and the designers of IDEO provide the right tool for teachers to face the complex challenges of education, to experiment with design process on education, and most importantly to encourage them to believe in themselves as designers of education. Visit Design Thinking’s website here to learn more about the program.

Words: Karla Sharin // Whiteboard Journal

---

This program reminds me of John Steinbeck quotes about teacher:

I have come to believe that a great teacher is a great artist and that there are as few as there are any other great artists. Teaching might even be the greatest of the arts since the medium is the human mind and spirit.

Cheers! :)

Page 114: Happines Trigger #5 - 8

2011-12-02T02:31:00.001+07:00

#5
Listening to Depeche Mode - Only When I Lose Myself. I don't know why, but it feels pretty good to find myself still in love with this song after listening to it for like...thousand times. Maybe more.

"I feel hypnotized, I feel paralized
I have found heaven
There's a thousand reasons
Why I shouldn't spend my time with you
For every reason not to be here I can think of two"

#6
Having nice and fun housemates. Especially her

#7
Munching watermelon in the middle of the night. Well, actually, any time will do. Really looooooveeeeeee this fruit.

image from here

A friend like my contribution on her project. And a friend told me she likes pictures I've took and my writings.

Page 113: Teach. Learn. Cool Job. And Passion. *

2011-11-26T04:42:00.001+07:00

How many of you think that teacher is a popular job in this country? If you raised your hand, then I probably raised my eyebrow a bit. For me, numbers for people who want to be teacher or educator are much lower than, let’s say doctor, lawyer, or business man *and the list goes on*. Negative thinking, I’m totally aware of that. I don’t know about other countries. I have tried to find the research about it, but even Mr. Google has limit, it gave me zero result. Or maybe I didn’t search it well. Ah, well.

The most common reason is society’s mindset about teacher’s salary. Let’s say a kid want to be a teacher after they graduated from high school, it is not a surprise if his/ her parents would avert it. To blame them wouldn’t be a nice decision; because they don’t have this insight that teacher could have a nice wage. The second most common reason is the image that teacher is not a cool job.

image from: here

But what is a cool job? Back where I was still in high school, definition of cool jobs for me would lead to these words:
- Author: you can “play God”. Create characters; make them alive, kill them as you wish, put them in misery, give them happiness. You can inspire people who have read your book(s).
- Journalist: you can go to interesting places, meet interesting people with interesting story.
- Detective: solving mystery. Analyze people characters. Chasing the bad guy.
- Forensic scientist: take a deep look inside human body. Slicing cadavers, seek what caused their death. Err, I should stop before I sound like a psychopath.
- Scientist (including cryptozoologist): searching for mysterious creature! Create something. Make theories. Experimenting. And just like author, scientist can “play God”, in much advanced level.
- Archeologist: Go to pyramids to find out whether it truly has connection with aliens. Find a lost city. Find an artifact. Solve a mystery.
- Curator: analyze art works; decide which painting should have million dollars in its tag price. Ladida. Ladida.
- Own a book shop and antique store: traveling to find rare and antique documents/books. Knowing the history of old stuff.
- Movie and music video director: I grew up when MTV was on the peak of coolness. Unlike now who stuffed with so called reality shows. “Making The Video” was one of the coolest programs they’ve ever run. If you’re a movie director, you can make everything on the script becomes real. You can save history. You can make history.
- Musician: fame, money, and being adored.

Now, all I can think of about cool job is the one which can accommodate your passion. If you’re one of those who think accountant or mathematician is not a cool job, hold that thought inside your head; because some people DO have interest and passion in it. I have a friend, a beautiful and smart girl who’d been asked if she wanted to be an anchor or not. Guess what, she refused it. When I asked the reason, she simply replied, “I like numbers, balance-sheet, and accounting. I really enjoy calculating and I want to be an accountant.”

The cool label on some jobs could shift as time. In the past, kid that want to be artist; be it painter, musicians, actor, actress often got questioned by their parents and society about their future, their welfare; because it was so full with uncertainty and the competition was very tight. Painter for example, has to be super magnificent and talented creating realism paintings. Now, as urban culture takes control, art get this new spot, a comfort one. Pop culture and technology gave so much contribution in creative industry. Artsy people are cool, artworks worth million dollars, parents no longer afraid how their kid would feed themselves in the future if they take “art” as their major.

Did you notice how coin flipped side?

I guess that’s the beauty of diversity. Can you imagine if everyone shares the same interest and craving the same job? I remember when I was interviewing Arian, vocalist of Seringai, he mentioned a good example related to this issue. He told me that what can make music industry run are not only good musicians. It also needs a good business man, a great producer, a dedicated band manager, stage photographer, even a merchandiser. Imagine if everyone wants to become a musician and nobody takes part as promoter? Who will arrange the concert? And what if everyone wants to be a fashion designer, who made the suit? Who sell the textile materials?

Back to teacher as not-that-popular job in Indonesia, my supervisor in office once told me that among those teacher candidates, only few that came from top ranking students. It’s kind of sad, especially when we talked about education system in Indonesia. Perhaps, many of you realize that our system hasn’t changed much since 19th century. The methods that vaguely put “teachers always right and student must listening” still running in many schools. And don’t forget about teacher’s salary. I’m not talking about teacher in International school, but in rural area, village. No wonder if it is not a popular job.

These past two months, working in a foundation that put concern in education and working in a team consisted of wonderful people that share the same interest and hope about education, somehow, keep me thinking that we still can give contribution to this country. Through education and all instruments needed. Especially when I see the students; those teacher candidates that also have passion to educate. Students that believe that educator is one of the sources that revive the exchange process of knowledge to make a better Indonesia. I remember Anies Baswedan’s speech at National Teachers Conference 2011; he said that what makes people on the level of well being isn’t because they work hard. It’s education. You may be rich, but if you weren’t well educated, you are just a person with money without social awareness or thoughts to spread something good. And that’s one of the factors that make those corruptors did odious things.

At this point, I think “well being” isn't just rich. And “well educated” is more than just graduate from some university with a high GPA. Well educated is when we can learn more than what had been written in academic module, when we can explore the bliss of sharing, when we’re living this life.

And this country need not only a dedicated teachers, but teachers that also take role as passionate learners; learn to listen to their students, learn to keep their mind open, learn to inspire and work with passion. As German poet and dramatist, Christian Friedrich Hebbel said, “Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion.” So keep the passion alive, and try to live it. Whatever your job is.

---

a little commemoration for National Teachers' Day

Page 112: Simion

2011-11-25T03:25:00.001+07:00

FELICIA SIMION

I'm in love with her works

Page 111: Random Emotion

2011-11-23T20:28:00.001+07:00

background image: cempaka surakusumah

Page 110: Current Opium (part 8)

2011-11-21T00:32:00.001+07:00

FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE - SHAKE IT OUT

"And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

So I like to keep my issues strong

But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

Cause I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn"

---

Great music, beautiful lyrics, powerful voice.

O Florence, you don't know how to stop being amazing, don't you? :)

COLDPLAY - SHIVER

"I'll be waiting in line,

Just to see if you care.

So I look in your direction,

But you pay me no attention."

---

err... better leave no comment why this song has been stuck in my head lately. :p

Page 109: No Longer Part of The Effort

2011-11-21T00:01:00.000+07:00

“Only in death will we have our own names since only in death are we no longer part of the effort.

In death we become heroes.”

- Chuck Palahniuk -

Rest in peace, dear Rael Octoviyan Paat.

(October 24, 1985 - November 20, 2011)

Page 108: Pride Comes Before The Fall

2011-11-19T12:35:00.002+07:00

O dear, don't set your pride too high above the ground.

image from here

Beware of it.
Because enormous pride brings envy when you think you’re the one who should get some achievements, some prizes, some of these, some of those that others have.
Because overly pride sprout up selfishness when you think you’re the number one, on top of most of the things, the one who should stand out and get priorities; the center of this universe.
Because too much pride put this insight, that life is an endless race, a competition. And when you find other win it, you frown.
Because like old wise saying, "pride comes before the fall".

Go ask Lucifer.

Page 107: I Had Seven Faces

2011-11-10T09:12:00.000+07:00

"training myself not to care"

Page 106: Sometimes... (Part 11)

2011-11-08T23:32:00.002+07:00

Don't have a clue who wrote that.

It goes viral, I think

But i agree completely.

So, goodbye, some side of you.

This time for real.

For good.

---

random companions which stuck in my playlist and their lyrics stuck in my head lately:

Thom Yorke - Analyse

"There's no spark
You've no light in the dark"

Jirapah - Alexander
"your hands were not made to palm the stars"

Beck - Modern Guilt

"And I'm falling out of the conversation
And I'm a pawn piece in a human shield"

The National - Start A War

"We expected something
Something better than before
We expected something more"

Cat Power - The Greatest

"Once I wanted to be the greatest
Two fists of solid rock
With brains that could explain
Any feeling"

Interpol - Obstacle 1

"And you go stabbing yourself in the neck
We can find new ways of living make playing only logical harm
And we can top the old times, clay-making that nothing else will change."

Interpol - Slow Hands
"Yeah but nobody searches
Nobody cares somehow
When the loving that you've wasted
Comes raining from a hapless cloud
And I might stop and look upon your face
Disappear in the sweet, sweet gaze
See the living that surrounds me
Dissipate in a violet place

Can't you see what you've done to my heart
And soul?
This is a wasteland now"

Interpol - C'mere
"And so may, we make time
Try to find somebody else
This place is mine"

Page 105: Stereotype & Prejudice

2011-11-07T02:44:00.005+07:00

"the point is, people judge and classify from what appears in the surface. at first look, we could never be fair one to another. there will always be stereotype and prejudice. we are all those goods we choose to use. what we are carrying inside our brain is located in other dimension. it won’t ever be like huck overshadows tom and got his own story written, no. "

- "everything-in-between" , shint -

---

We can never escape ourselves from prejudice and stereotype. We can try to repress it, of course. But that "judging from appearance" will always filled the head, even if it's came in subtle and vague waves. I guess that's the consequences for being human. For the need to fit in. But to pay too much attention about what others might think about us because of our appearance only drag us onto the same level of banality, no? Well, i might be wrong. Nevertheless, what people think when they know books you've read, or music you're listening to, sometimes only make them judging you even more.

Still, after all that conclusion, thoughts, books and God knows the rest about inner beauty, world has this standard of outside beauty to follow, this…homogeneity. Wear this and you're awesome. Wear that and you get the sophisticated look. I’m not saying that I don't believe that most of the people (esp. urban people) still give priority more to inner beauty. My point is, stop denying outlook is one of the most important things that attract you to decide whether you want to know a person deeper or not.

Sounds pretty cynical? Hey, I'm a capricorn. I have rights to be cynic (sometimes), said one of the sites I've found via google. *justification, it is :p

Page 104: Current Opium (part 7)

2011-11-07T02:13:00.005+07:00

JIRAPAH

image courtesy: jirapah

Good lyrics, good music, and err...good looking vocalist :p

My fave tracks so far:

"Alexander"

71 your soul wasting,
wondering will time let the blood fall out from these arms

swallowed and sad from hunger
weak
you stand still
keep watching me
your hands were not made to palm the stars

Often you tried to say to me you can't breathe
clutching me
your face pale the panic naild to your eyes
now is the hour from company you break free
start running
please don't stop
so these chains won't capture you

it's your time

"Summer"

Lower East folly
Hard to describe
Collective conscience
A drunken invite

Every bottle's
covered in lust
Premise for nonsense
And conquering hours

How young this summer

Everybody's
Covered in sun
A place of refuge
For wandering eyes

Bags of money
Wonder and awe
Blanket New York
With the guise of a mall

How young this summer

Everybody!
Water and wine
Arrest the senses
Left shackled and bound

How young this summer's
Wandering mind
Watching and smiling
Through the eyes of a child

How young this summer

watch Alexander video.
love it, by the way :)

Page 103: Modern Guilt and Prejudice - Current Opium (part 6)

2011-11-05T11:48:00.006+07:00

"Standing outside the glass on the sidewalk

These people talk about impossible things

And I'm falling out of the conversation

And I'm a pawn piece in a human shield"

---

Two guys, one of them look feminine; we used to think they’re gay couple.
A woman with sexy outfit accompanies a foreign guy; we used to think she’s a lady escort.
A young guy with older woman; we could easily say she’s a cougar, and he’s a gigolo. What bind them are lust and money, not love.
A couple consists of gorgeous young woman with an old man; then she’s his mistress or a gold digger.
A group of people with urban looks, having fun, drink alcohols; then it’s not a surprise if they’re hedonist and don’t care about social issues.

What if…

What if those guys just best friends?
What if that woman never has sex with that foreign guy?
What if that matures woman not a cougar and that young man isn’t gigolo?
What if that gorgeous woman simply in love with that old man and he’s not even rich?
What if those people simply have fun; yet they still care about social issues and the unfortunates?

I’ve heard conversations filled with those prejudices. Days ago I’ve started to think – because it has started to bugged me a little, maybe because of its frequency – can we ever separate ourselves from prejudice? Is this a part of urban society? Or it simply small portion of consequences of being human through discussing surrounding?

Maybe I just want to keep my naivete a bit, for not getting involved too much into the jibjab stuffed with prejudice. Yes, it sound silly, but I don't want to often feel the situation that been described in the song, “And I'm falling out of the conversation”.

Page 102: Plain old untrendy troubles and emotions*

2011-11-03T16:36:00.000+07:00

[image courtesy: Nujabes]

You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't.
You get to decide what to worship.

Because here's something else that's true. In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping.

Everybody worships.

The only choice we get is what to worship. And an outstanding reason for choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship - be it JC or Allah, be it Yahweh or the Wiccan mother-goddess or the Four Noble Truths or some infrangible set of ethical principles - is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things - if they are where you tap real meaning in life - then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. On one level, we all know this stuff already - it's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, bromides, epigrams, parables: the skeleton of every great story. The trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness. Worship power - you will feel weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to keep the fear at bay. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart - you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out.

- David Foster Wallace -

*Taken from the commencement speech the author gave to a graduating class at Kenyon College, Ohio. Read the full version of this insightful writing here

Page 101: Sometimes... (Part 10)

2011-11-02T16:00:00.002+07:00

Sometimes

you become marginalized because someone (something) tells that you are,

and then later on

you put yourself in that position and decide to do nothing about the situation.

In the end,

it comes to what kind of action that you will take to change your situation,

marginalized or not.

- freedomphoria -

---

[read the full version here]

Page 100: Brave Enough

2011-11-02T01:59:00.001+07:00

I guess this will be my last post about you.

Because I really really really really really really want to get over you. I want to get rid of you from my head. Because this is so devastating and make me look so pathetic. You don't give a sh*t about me. You don’t even want to try to know more about me. That’s enough reasons. Maybe it's true what my friend wrote on her blog, "Be brave enough to break your own heart."
So I guess I’ll break my heart for you.
Now.

---

"Don't ask me how you're supposed to feel
You will never come close to how I feel"

-tame impala-

Page 99: Road Trip Vietnam – Cambodia (part 2)

2011-10-31T03:15:00.006+07:00

[Read the previous post here]

At the Old Market, you can find a lot of kind of food. Most of the restaurants and cafés there were nice and doesn’t set the price too high. After had a dinner, we headed back to hostel to get some rest. In the next morning, we discussed where we want to stay for that night. After searching through the web, we went to a hostel named “Home Sweet Home”.

Again we thanked to Lonely Planet which had gave us trusted review. Home Sweet Home was nice, just like most of the guest’s opinion. It gave us pretty nice and quite neat room with very affordable price: $2 per person per night. Lovely, isn’t it? We didn’t get the room with air condition, but the big fan that hanging on the roof kept us away from stale air and hot temperature at night. Although we didn’t set until it reached its maximum speed because Dinda thought it could make the fan fall off and injured us. At first I and Lia laughed, but at the end we all get a bit worried, so we agreed with Dinda. :p

Before we went to get some lunch, we asked the front officer about visiting Angkor Wat. From ticket price to which one is prettier: sunset or sunrise. The front officer gave us very useful information. Apparently we do not have to choose between sunset and sunrise because we can enjoy both! Don't think we should go at dawn and waited until sunset or to purchase tickets for two days. You can enjoy the phenomenon by paying a ticket for one day only. As you buy a ticket on the day, then enjoy the sunset. The next day, you can re-visit Angkor without having to buy a new ticket. Regulations allow you to buy tickets in the afternoon which can still be used on the next day before sunset.

with dinda on the tuk-tuk

That afternoon we decided to go to Angkor and watch the sunset, after visited Old Market to bought some souvenirs. By using a tuk-tuk which we paid $ 1 per person, we got there at 5 pm, waiting in line to buy tickets for US$ 20. When purchasing tickets, you will be photographed so that tickets can’t be transferred - unless you have a twin.

cambodian leather puppet

The journey from the entrance gate to inside of the site was pretty far. There are some tourists who choose to use bicycles. While waiting for the sunset, we went around and see Angkor Wat, the main and largest temple in the Angkor region. We weren’t exploring all the areas because of its width. *gotta save some energy, dude.

finally! Angkoor! :D

Some of the monks passed, we were able to pose and take pictures with two of them. Towards dusk, we found the best spot to watch the sunset. We then sat in the courtyard of a small temple. And the magic begins. The sky began to turn yellow, then turned into an elegant gold. When it's slowly becoming purple hue, we suddenly heard a chorus of crickets. It's like they were embracing and celebrating the phenomenon. Such a soothing unification. Beautiful. Enchanting...

with the monks

waiting for the sun to set

After that, we did silly photo shoot. :p

Notes:

When entering the gate of Angkor Wat, there are some people who offer guests to burn incense and pray at one of the statues. This is not a tradition. Later you will be asked to pay a little money. You should be careful.

For those who want to be photographed on horseback in front of one of the small temple in the court, could find locals who offer these services. I do not know about the cost. It seems very exciting, though.
Some hostels have the services of a tuk-tuk to take you to visit Angkor and around Siem Reap. On the basis of personal experience, the hostel offered a cheaper cost. Try to ask its front officer about the service.

[To be continued…]

page 98: Current Opium (part 5)

2011-10-31T00:24:00.002+07:00

Girl crush! For four gorgeous and talented women from Warpaint.

Especially for the bassist, Jenny Lee Lindberg.

Page 97: Sometimes... (Part 9)

2011-10-15T03:11:00.003+07:00

Sometimes,

in some circumstances, you need to reshuffle friendship...

Who's in, who's out.

And everything in between

...for the sake of your mental health

image courtesy: baihaqi

Page 96: "It"

2011-10-05T10:24:00.002+07:00

A friend of us once wrote,

“Hidup tidak minta banyak. Hanya minta kita menjalaninya dari senja ke senja. Dari satu malam, ke malam berikutnya”

("Life is not asking much. Just demand us to live from dusk to dusk. Walk through one night, to the other night")

You* might call it restless. I used to called it, just “it”. That shitty feeling, when a lot of things and people surround caused uneasy inside.

You’re probably just miss your close male friends, or because of that job which you hate so much, or because of this city.

I’ve been there. “It” was in me at the past. Probably it’s still in me, just hiatus and waiting to return. And I don’t know how I can make you feel better with this post. I don’t even know if “better” is the right word. Because the way people handling burden behind their back are different. But I want you to know that – damn it’s cheesy but I’m gonna say it anyway – I’ll always be around to listening when you need to complain and whining. It’s not really OK since I learned a little piece about zen from you – because there were days when you’ve mentioned it over and over :p – but most of the times, people learn and re-learn about “let go let flow” from stuff like this.

Because yeah, life does not ask for much. We were the one who had this anxiety, sometimes a bit too much...

---

a close friend of mine, you know who you are. i think...

Page 95: Till We Meet Again

2011-09-23T20:19:00.000+07:00

Today is my last day as a full-time IT journalist. Days ago, a best friend asked, “Are you feeling sad when you take a look around and know that in weeks, everything will be completely different?” Well, a bit. I’ve been working with a team consist with good people. I’d live in a rent home near office with nice people. A lot of stories and laugh been shared. One of the reasons that kept holding me from leaving was them. I mean, I love writing. And always will be. But IT wasn’t my main interest. Yes, I’m a gadget user, but not a person who want to know the latest trend immediately. It’s sort of hard to explain in short why I was working as an IT journalist for almost four years although I didn’t have strong interest in it. :p

The new office hopefully can gratify my interest in education. Yes, it’s an academic institution. No, I’m not going to work as a lecturer there. I’m pretty good when teaching kids every Saturday, but I don’t think I can handle student above 5th grader. I’ll get this…some kind of stage fright that caused me stuttering a little (if I don’t get the stutter, I’ll have this weird squeaking voice), cold and sweated palms, both hands moving too much, and feel nauseated – the point is, I look like an idiot; when standing in front of bunch of teenager to adult and teach them something. Ten persons are largest amount that I can handle. It’s still okay having role as moderator or else, but not teaching! I repeat, NOT TEACHING.

So yeah, till we meet again, good people.

:')

Page 94: Moment

2011-09-13T15:56:00.000+07:00

ALICE:

There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give in to this, or I can resist it." And I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one. I'm gone.

I watched Closer again last night for like, I lose count. Really love that movie; the bitter, funny and witty conversations. But yesterday, that line hit me. Hard.

(Insert The Blower’s Daughter by Damien Rice here)

And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

And in my imagination I start to walk in slow motion like Natalie Portman did at the end of the movie. But unlike her…no one is gaze in admiration at me. Hahaha. xp

Page 93: Shape of My Heart

2011-09-12T16:58:00.000+07:00

Sometimes I find unfamiliar stuffs in Yorke *my laptop* – and couldn’t recall who’d put those in it or how did I get it. Like songs, movies, or e-books. But it feels good when I know that those “aliens” are fascinating and entertains my senses.

Like Noah and The Whale. Last night I found them. Put it on my list, and bam! instantly fell in love with “Shape of My Heart”.

If you like Folk music, if you like Beirut, I think you’ll like them too...

"Oh when I look to the shape of my heart,
It's separated only by scars
That cut in and cut out
Oh and leave me without
Oh a heart that functions at all.

And when I look to the shape of the sky,
I give thanks for this hollow chest of mine;
That I no longer feel
The great weight of ordeals
That can make this life so unkind

...."

Enjoy! :)

Page 92: Beating Pride

2011-09-08T17:02:00.000+07:00

What is your deadly sin among seven? Mine is pride.

…And I beat it last night.

Never thought it would be that easy, by blurting out a confession about what I’ve been feeling for months to this guy. In the past, I predict that it would be awkward and melodramatic, sort of. Ha-ha. I’m not sure, but maybe this because I already entering the acceptance phase. *singing “Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will beeeeee…”

Thanks to technology by Canadian telecommunication and wireless device company, all I had to do was typed it. I’m being honest for every word, although I used emoticon “:p”. No kidding. I’ve said it clearly, that I don’t want another man for now, I’ll wait for him.

And for you, my dear nothing, that’s the truth. It’s up to you now. If you want to talk about it, I’m ready. But if you don’t want to, then I’ll find another man when the time is come. No pain, no anger, no anguish. I can guarantee. But I’m not gonna wait forever. So, bring it on!

:)

image courtesy: cempaka surakusumah

Page 91: No More Anguish

2011-09-06T16:44:00.000+07:00

Found this line in my friend’s blog post…

It’s an option;
To look back, but not stare nor drown.
To moving forward, but not runaway and hide.
To try to see the lesson underneath of things in life...

It's an option...

And nobody said it’s going to be easy.
But nobody said it’s impossible either...

Page 90: “Can’t”, Or Just “Don’t Want To”

2011-09-05T18:32:00.000+07:00

This morning, a good friend of mine, Veve, a very nice and artsy woman, gave me link about letting go and acceptance. That writing enlightens her, about her ex that caused her heart breaks and makes her hard to move on.

It makes me think about men in my past: those who broke my heart. But wait, were that their responsibilities? Is it wise to blame them for that? The answer is no. They might take part in it, but I also have role. I also let my heart wounded and refused to heal it; even I knew that I’m the one who can fix it.

A best friend once wrote about a guy whom she fell in love with, “I loved the image of you that I’ve invented, I probably never fell for the real you, so it should’ve been easy to let go”

It should’ve been easy… But,

The thing is, maybe we don’t want to stop waiting and hoping because we don’t want to believe that it’s over. We deny that this long and tiring journey must end…just-like-that. We can see the finish line, actually. It’s lying there, and we’re so close. And we know it isn’t him or her that waiting for us on the line. Probably even no one there. And we should take a rest before starting a new journey. But we resist to cross the line because we refuse to believe the bitter reality that bites, chew, and eventually spitting us out. We can move on, we just don't want to. And we wait, for a quite long time. And then long enough. Until we get used to it and it becomes too long and devastating, but we didn't realize it. Sometimes we go back to the route we’ve passed, because it’s so beautiful and comforting; sweet memories that drowned us. But for what? A smile? Yes, indeed.

After that, you still have to continue the journey…

For one simple reason:
you can’t make time freeze.

“We can’t stay here

We’re starting to feel the same

We can’t stay here

We can’t stand this way”

The National – Guest Room

Page 89: Road Trip Vietnam – Cambodia (part 1)

2011-09-05T17:42:00.000+07:00

“Take care, and have fun,” that’s the words from my dad as he raised his hand to give me high five, before leaving me with my backpack, on the bus that took me to the airport. It was the last day on April, and I’m going for a road trip with my best friends, Dinda and Lia. Vietnam and Cambodia were our destination. We’ve planned to visit six cities. But, well, umm, our financial condition didn’t let us *ha-ha* to fulfilled ‘plan A’, so we went straight to ‘plan B’, which only gave us four cities. :D

Luckily, those four cities were great. First, we arrived at Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam. Stay there for two nights. But I’m gonna keep the story about Ho Chi Minh at day 1 – 2 for later. I think it’s better to divide the story by cities we’d visited. Since we also spent day 12-15 in Ho Chi Minh, we shall start it with Siem Reap, home for the magnificent and the largest preindustrial city in the world, Angkor.

I’m not going to write about the history of Angkor, or the exact numbers that define its enormous dimension. You can find that easily on the internet. What internet has not told me before – and mesmerized me the most at the end – was the beauty package experiencing the sunset and sunrise at Angkor. I don’t want to use the word “watching” because I wasn’t only “watching”. I didn’t call it ‘beauty package’ only by watching.

The journey to Siem Reap started at day 3 (May 2, 2011). Early morning, round about 08 AM, we took the bus from Ho Chi Minh. We bought the ticket from the hostel which we’ve been staying at, for two days before. The price for the bus ticket was $18. It’s quite boring actually, hehe. You better bring books or iPod, or…sleep. :D

sleep and iPod were dinda's "weapons" to fought boredom

After 6 hours hit the road, the bus stopped at the border for passport checking and VISA. You have to pay $25 for VISA. You can manage e-visa before you come to Cambodia, actually (I don’t know the details, better ask google, hehe). The journey continues with passing a river with a big boat, then the bus head to Phnom Penh.

crossing the river

At Phnom Penh bus station, we hopped into another bus. Smaller and much worn out. Another 6 hours with television that showing some kind of comedy program which, of course, I didn’t understand because of the language and no subtitle on it. One of the comedians kept saying “Ma-leeeeh… Ma-leeeeh…” with high-pitched voice that made the three of us stay awake, between getting disturbed and eventually laughing, especially when Dinda imitating and gave comment about the legendary shouting “Ma-leeeeeehhhhh”.

at Phnom Penh bus station

We arrived at Siem Reap at night. Before start this trip, we’ve already did a little research. It’s important for you to search information about hotel/hostel and transportation, not only for budgeting, but also for comfort and safety. I suggest Lonely Planet and Trip Advisor. Pick two or three, make a note about names and addresses. Back to our trip, we took Tuk-Tuk to search the wanted hostel. Each person paid $1. Be careful. Some Tuk-Tuk drivers could be cagey and put quite high charge for you. Sometimes they don’t take you to hostel you’ve telling them to go to, because they also work for other inn. When they take you to an inn, better ask about the room to its employee by yourself. Cagey driver can tell you that the hostel has no more room to rent, so they will take you to inn which already has agreement with them. First we staying at some nice and neat hostel but quite pricy for a backpacker; $5 per night, per person. I forgot its name, sorry. After took a bath, we went to get dinner at old market by walking.

Here some info:

Most of the transaction in Cambodia use US$, especially for foreign tourist. You can still use riel, though.
Liquor lovers would love to visit Cambodia. It’s cheap. Well, compare to the price in Indonesia.
Most of the hostels provide free Wi-Fi.
Besides Tuk-Tuk, you can rent a motorcycle, a bicycle, or take a walk to wandering around Siem Reap.
Always bargaining! But if you have lots of money, it’s your choice if you feel that it would be unnecessary.

42below for US$8

dinner at old market

(To be continued…)

Page 88: Those Thick Eyebrows, Eventually

2011-09-05T16:37:00.000+07:00

It was just a casual talk between me and my male friends after we've met this one cute girl which faith had made her our friend’s sister in law. Let me describe about me and these male first. I know these guys since I was fourteen. Some of them even had becoming my friends before that era. In short, I consider them as brothers I've never had. And sometimes they “forgot” that I’m a female. I think we’ve already crossed the boundaries of some things considered as taboo, like dirty jokes, sort of things.

So, back to the casual talk, I kind of forgot what was the trigger because I was busy replying SMS from my mom – also tweeted one or two times. :P

These guys thought the girl is cute but she wore too much make-up for a girl at her age. After blablablas, I join the convo and my first comment was, “yaudahlah” or in English it could represented as, “let it be”. I don’t know if it’s because of my tone or what (because my point was like “let her be, guys, is not like she walking around, topless”), but then Agung replied “oh, there’s a female voice. Tia is often being sensitive if we talk about gender.”

I kind of confused at that time, and when I already at home I want to laugh remembering his statement. Like, really? Am I sound like overly sensitive feminist? Ok, first, I don’t consider myself as feminist. Not because I think feminist is some kind of bad status, but because the knowledge of gender issues I’ve read or watched or heard wasn’t enough so people can called me “feminist”. I like reading news related to it and sometimes discussing it, but feminist is more than that.

About being sensitive for some cases, I don’t see any problem with that. Why? Because if we talk about gender issue, we can still find problems that female should or must face. From discrimination, domestic violence, Female Genital Mutilation, until Honor Killing; those problems still happen. The thing I considered as weird is, when people misread a female that has a strong interest about gender issue, or a feminist, as a person that potentially could turn into some male hater.

A good friend that also a feminist once told me, that feminism for her is about Equity, not Equality. I agree with her. Is not about beating male or take off bra or don’t want to get married and have kid. Trying to make male into lower position is like, “girls, what’s the point of fighting, if winning is about being like those people whose actions you hate?” Change the system, that’s the most important thing.

That statement about me being sensitive didn’t bug me. I found it’s more entertaining and lead me to another writing to post on blog. After all, few minutes later we found out that NOBODY in that car that gave comments about that girl know her age, precisely. And eventually, Agung said that the girl is pretty and girls with thick eyebrows attract him, most of the times. Hahahaha. So yeah, I think you can conclude THE POINT of the talk. It’s not the make-up or gender stereotyping, but the thick eyebrows on that cute face. Voila! :D

image from here

Page 87: Hate in the Head

2011-08-26T16:06:00.000+07:00

What’s the first thing in your mind if you see “God, what is Your religion?” printed on someone’s T-shirt? For me, it’s simply a question; questioning differentiation on people’s belief in this world that sometimes lead to debate or chaos. Chaos that makes the t-shirt owner tired and decided to ask directly to God about the truth, so people could live in peace because the answer finally revealed. It’s a question. Yet it’s a hope.

But for those haters in FPI, it was different, because maybe they have too much hate inside their head. Or they’re some kind of adrenaline junkies that think chaos could bring them excitement. And it forbids them to use their logic.

Read this, and if you can think straight and not an irrational believer, you probably will agree with me that there’s no such thing called “insulting religion” in this case. Well, not for the t-shirt maker and owner…

Page 86: The Ironical Homogeneity of Beauty

2011-08-24T16:05:00.000+07:00

“Magazines telling women to starve them-self, and they obey! Or they`re like ‘out of fashion’, which is the worst crime you could ever commit! So they get executed for it, publicly!”

- Bjork Gudmundsdottir

I was reading Homunculus vol.11 when I remember a story related to an issue my friend had told me months ago: body issue. In Homunculus 11, the main character Susumu, said that body was one of the reasons that prevent human from being free. Because we must admit that most of the people see the outlook first, and can easily judge or mock someone because of it. For some people, that kind of judging could affect their self confidence. In worse scenario, some people that couldn’t grow enough self respect for themselves choose to change their outside so they could fit in, or avoiding the society as a shield to protect them from getting hurt. Thus their body also had turn into their own jail.

Report of the 2010 Plastic Surgery Statistics from American Society of Plastic Surgeons showing these facts:

$10.1 billion spent on cosmetic procedures in the U.S, last year.

Top 5 Cosmetic Surgical Procedures were breast augmentation, followed by nose reshaping, eyelid surgery, liposuction, and tummy tuck.

People age 13-19 had the least number of cosmetic procedures last year, only 2% of the total. Some of the most common procedures for teens were: nose reshaping, male breast reduction, ear surgery, laser hair removal, laser treatment of leg veins, and laser skin resurfacing.

Numbers of people age 20-29 who had plastic surgeon: 747,000 for total cosmetic procedures. 253,000 for surgical. 494,000 for minimally-invasive
Numbers of people age 30-39 who had plastic surgeon: 2.4 million for total cosmetic procedures . 361,000 for surgical. 2 million for minimally-invasive
While numbers of people age 40-54 are: Make up the majority of cosmetic procedures – 48% of the total. 6 million had total cosmetic procedures. 515,000 had surgical. 5.5 million had minimally-invasive

image courtesy: emte

Those facts above – although the research was conducted only in U.S – showing how people still struggling to build their confidence by changing their physical appearance.

Back to the story from a friend, she told me that in her office – a well-known girl teen magazine, female with big body has more pressure compare to those with average or lesser weight. The company asks them to lose some kilos because they’ve been told that their big body could affect company’s image and some kind of its dignity.

I couldn’t find any logical explanation about that “instruction” except discrimination and bully. Journalist’s responsibilities for a company are searching facts and representing it as news for readers in accordance with ethics in journalism. That’s how journalist keeps company’s dignity. Not to shape their bodies like Barbie’s.

If the company asks them to do diet concerning obesity that could lead onto several health problems, then it’s okay, because human resource has role to keep the company on track. Their sickness can impede deadline, regulation, etc. But for “image” and “dignity”? Pardon me; I think it’s silly.

It’s kind of more distressing because the problem occur in teen magazine; a segmented media that should cover and analyze a lot of psychological issues including how to build teen’s self confidence, not (only) by being pretty and skinny – but also brainy, healthy, and have a good personality. How could you teach your reader jargon like “be yourself” or “inner beauty rocks!” if you forbid your own employees for having extra weight? Isn’t it ironic?

It’s not that I disagree with woman (and man) that trying to look good. But when you push yourself way too hard and forgetting more important things such as health or self-fulfillment, it’s a bit disappointing .

Is this how the lesson about body issue being transferred through media that can affect women’s life? When they were teenagers, media told them to find their true-selves and inner beauty (because we all know, not everyone born with pretty face and mouth watering body shape) but after they’d turn into adults, media gave this standard of beauty to follow, this…homogeneity. And if you’re not obeying the so called rules, then you’re ugly and miserable?

Well, if that’s the case, then it doesn’t surprising why a lot of people stuff their body parts with silicon, or sincerely starving themselves to fit in small-sized clothes. And it doesn’t surprising why fat journalist has impact to their company’s dignity.

No, it’s not surprising. It’s just sad.

Page 85: Twitter and Lies

2011-08-24T15:37:00.000+07:00

It was Saturday (August 13, 2011), early morning, when that accident happened. Two persons died. It should be Sahur on the road, but Bowo, the driver drove the car on 200 km/hour.

Few hours later, people were tweeting about it. Some even mentioning bowo’s account - @bowcik with rude tweet attached on it as if he didn’t mourn nor have heart for causing death of his friends. I read it first on my friend’s tweet. I was pissed at that time. I checked the account and found that the account was locked. Instead of thinking that it could be (ruthless) hoax and logically assume that he’s seriously injured because he’s in the same car that crashed, I did what most of the people did: blaming and cursing him.

That was my tweet before I knew it was a calumny. Guilty as charged. I am.

Guess nobody knows whose fingers typed and send those lies first. But it proved that spreading hoax is a piece of cake on twitter – not only public opinion. That boy was doing mistakes, but to gather hatred towards him by counterfeited tweet wasn’t a right way to punish him. It’s only creating online modern drama that attracts tweeps to be part in it.

Page 84: A Picture Tell Advices

2011-08-16T19:45:00.000+07:00

life is short: absolutely agree

life is simple: wait. wait. hmmm... not really ahahaha

_________

accidentally found this interesting picture here

Page 83: Alright? Alright!

2011-08-08T22:55:00.000+07:00

image courtesy: here

"So worry not
All things are well
We'll be alright

We have our looks and perfume"*

---

yes, we will be...

we will!

:)

---

*from the national - apartment story

Page 82: petitefootnote

2011-08-05T20:17:00.000+07:00

i give up

Page 81: Ouch...

2011-08-05T18:19:00.000+07:00

Jay:

You know what they say. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Kay:

Try it

***

Me:

ouch...

Page 80: Just A Repost (part 2)

2011-08-04T23:19:00.000+07:00

is there nothing we can do?

by shint

“oh, now there’s only one kind of love that lasts. that’s unrequited love. it stays with you forever.”
- woody allen -

they said only change that was permanent and feeling, it could expire but i guess few things remain, like you.. you still provide enough reasons for tears to fall down and smiles to spread across my face.. for an unexplainable weigh on my chest and sudden giggle of relieve after.. for the growing bubble of affection and excitement.. but never had they run in balance with each other..

***

well, i guess, yeah... there's still a lot of things that reminds me of you, my dear nothing...

including those beautiful words above... shite... :)

Page 79: Current Obsession (part 2)

2011-08-04T22:30:00.000+07:00

Indrajit

Always have sympathy to Indrajit, maybe because when my Grandma still alive, she always told me that Indrajit was a good giant. Despite his father, Rahwana, is evil, Indrajit disapproved of Rahwana’s greed for power and lust for women. Even so, Indrajit still put respect for Rahwana and obey him like a son usually does.
According to one version popular on Java, Rahwana’s wife Dewi Tari gave birth to a daughter. The baby so clearly resembled Wisnu’s wife, Dewi Sri, that Rahwana’s brother, Wibisana, realized she was an incarnation of the Goddess. Knowing of Rahwana’s obsession to posses Dewi Sri in all her incarnations, Wibisana was naturally afraid that the girl would eventually tempt Rahwana to incest. He therefore abducted the infant at birth, substituting a boy-child he had magically conjured out of a cloud. Wibisana placed Rahwana’s real child in a basket and set it afloat on the river. The child was discovered by King Janaka of Mantili, who named her Shinta and raised her as his own daughter.
When Indrajit died, his body dissolved and turned into a cloud that drifted off into the Heavens. Indrajit had returned to his origins.
And reading “Leather Gods & Wooden Heroes; Java’s Classical Wayang” recently make me put more interest on this character. And oh, I miss Mbah Bu, by the way :’)

Origami

I really want to learn how to make those things above. :D

Cryptozoology and Alien

Well it’s actually an obsession I kept since I was a kid. Big foot, loch ness, moth man, alien, weird animal and stories, bring it on! Hehe. Thanks to my dad who has a huge interest on alien, and all of that weird stuff, haha. Lucky me, my friend Adit also has interest on cryptozoology and alien, so it’s easy for me to get movies and new information related to it. :p

Page 78: Current Opium (part 4)

2011-08-04T22:18:00.000+07:00

The National – Boxer

Especially;

"Fake Empire"

"Guest Room"

"Mistaken For Strangers"

The National – High Violet

Especially;

"Anyone's Ghost"

"Sorrow"

Page 77: A for Accident.

2011-07-27T18:10:00.000+07:00

It’s been a busy month for me; ‘busy’, but at the end that word rhyme with ‘happy’. I finally finished two independent (not-that-magnificent-but-it's-fun) projects. Well, one of those was actually designed almost a year ago, ha-ha, but because of this and that, the “it’s a wrap!” moment just happen two weeks ago. I can’t write about that project now, for some reasons, but I will when the time is right.

But for the other project, since it’s officially published, I think I can tell everything about it right away. So, the project called “A|typical”, collaboration with Aditya Wijanarko, Cempaka Surakusumah, and The Two Awkwards. We accidentally decided to make this package of words, scratches, and music three weeks ago. Yep, it’s an “accident” at first, because Adit ‘brilliantly’ said to me in a chat that he wanted to give away some free stuff but he couldn’t specifically described the stuff. Haha.

At the day after, I sent him several concepts and he picked one. Long story short, we decided it’s going to be a pocket book, stuffed with pieces of conversation by two fictional characters: Aresh and Athena with illustrations, and music CD.

The title “A|typical” means conjoin of “atypical” and “a typical”; “random” and “usual”. Just like conversation we regularly have every day. Sometimes we find it random, enlightened, or pointless. But we all do it for the sake of being human, for killing silence and loneliness. It’s a “habit” to give our mouths other functions except chewing food to feed stomach – it also feeds brain.

And…there you go. After picking stories, drew illustrations, woodcutting for cover, printing, photocopy-ing, recording, folding, binding, we’re satisfied with this first project. For me, personally, I really love the illustrations for the two fictional characters, thanks to the talented illustrator, Cem. :)

Well, I guess I agree with this quote by Dwayne in Little Miss Sunshine: “You do what you love, and f**k the rest”. At the end, what really counts is the process, and the true acknowledgment is come from yourself, that you’d finally be able to finish something you’ve started. And it’s kinda weird knowing that that’s enough, that I did it to pleased myself. :)

***

A|typical
Blabbering: Me
Scratches and images: ADW&CEM
Something for your ears: The Two Awkwards

Meet Aresh and Athena

ADW&CEM. Sweet couple, aren't they? :)

Manual coloring the posters

Folding and binding

The “not so special edition”. Each person drew and signed the covers. I guess mine is the worst nyahahaha

Page 76: SLEEPY*

2011-07-20T22:13:00.000+07:00

NIGHT. Varka, the little nurse, a girl of thirteen, is rocking the cradle in which the baby is lying, and humming hardly audibly:

"Hush-a-bye, my baby wee,
While I sing a song for thee."

A little green lamp is burning before the ikon; there is a string stretched from one end of the room to the other, on which baby-clothes and a pair of big black trousers are hanging. There is a big patch of green on the ceiling from the ikon lamp, and the baby-clothes and the trousers throw long shadows on the stove, on the cradle, and on Varka. . . . When the lamp begins to flicker, the green patch and the shadows come to life, and are set in motion, as though by the wind. It is stuffy. There is a smell of cabbage soup, and of the inside of a boot-shop.

The baby's crying. For a long while he has been hoarse and exhausted with crying; but he still goes on screaming, and there is no knowing when he will stop. And Varka is sleepy. Her eyes are glued together,
her head droops, her neck aches. She cannot move her eyelids or her lips, and she feels as though her face is dried and wooden, as though her head has become as small as the head of a pin.

"Hush-a-bye, my baby wee," she hums, "while I cook the groats for thee. . . ."

A cricket is churring in the stove. Through the door in the next room the master and the apprentice Afanasy are snoring. . . . The cradle creaks plaintively, Varka murmurs--and it all blends into that soothing music of the night to which it is so sweet to listen, when one is lying in bed. Now that music is merely irritating and oppressive, because it goads her to sleep, and she must not sleep; if Varka--God forbid!--should fall asleep, her master and mistress would beat her.

The lamp flickers. The patch of green and the shadows are set in motion, forcing themselves on Varka's fixed, half-open eyes, and in her half slumbering brain are fashioned into misty visions. She sees dark clouds chasing one another over the sky, and screaming like the baby. But then the wind blows, the clouds are gone, and
Varka sees a broad high road covered with liquid mud; along the high road stretch files of wagons, while people with wallets on their backs are trudging along and shadows flit backwards and
forwards; on both sides she can see forests through the cold harsh mist. All at once the people with their wallets and their shadows fall on the ground in the liquid mud. "What is that for?" Varka
asks. "To sleep, to sleep!" they answer her. And they fall sound asleep, and sleep sweetly, while crows and magpies sit on the telegraph wires, scream like the baby, and try to wake them.

"Hush-a-bye, my baby wee, and I will sing a song to thee," murmurs Varka, and now she sees herself in a dark stuffy hut.

Her dead father, Yefim Stepanov, is tossing from side to side on the floor. She does not see him, but she hears him moaning and rolling on the floor from pain. "His guts have burst," as he says; the pain is so violent that he cannot utter a single word, and can only draw in his breath and clack his teeth like the rattling of a
drum:

"Boo--boo--boo--boo. . . ."

Her mother, Pelageya, has run to the master's house to say that Yefim is dying. She has been gone a long time, and ought to be back.Varka lies awake on the stove, and hears her father's "boo--boo--boo."
And then she hears someone has driven up to the hut. It is a young doctor from the town, who has been sent from the big house where he is staying on a visit. The doctor comes into the hut; he cannot be seen in the darkness, but he can be heard coughing and rattling the door.

"Light a candle," he says.

"Boo--boo--boo," answers Yefim.

Pelageya rushes to the stove and begins looking for the broken pot with the matches. A minute passes in silence. The doctor, feeling in his pocket, lights a match.

"In a minute, sir, in a minute," says Pelageya. She rushes out of the hut, and soon afterwards comes back with a bit of candle.

Yefim's cheeks are rosy and his eyes are shining, and there is a peculiar keenness in his glance, as though he were seeing right through the hut and the doctor.

"Come, what is it? What are you thinking about?" says the doctor, bending down to him. "Aha! have you had this long?"

"What? Dying, your honour, my hour has come. . . . I am not to stay among the living."

"Don't talk nonsense! We will cure you!"

"That's as you please, your honour, we humbly thank you, only we understand. . . . Since death has come, there it is."

The doctor spends a quarter of an hour over Yefim, then he gets up and says:

"I can do nothing. You must go into the hospital, there they will operate on you. Go at once . . . You must go! It's rather late, they will all be asleep in the hospital, but that doesn't matter, I will give you a note. Do you hear?"

"Kind sir, but what can he go in?" says Pelageya. "We have no horse."

"Never mind. I'll ask your master, he'll let you have a horse."

The doctor goes away, the candle goes out, and again there is the sound of "boo--boo--boo." Half an hour later someone drives up to the hut. A cart has been sent to take Yefim to the hospital. He gets ready and goes. . . .

But now it is a clear bright morning. Pelageya is not at home; she has gone to the hospital to find what is being done to Yefim. Somewhere there is a baby crying, and Varka hears someone singing with her own voice:

"Hush-a-bye, my baby wee, I will sing a song to thee."

Pelageya comes back; she crosses herself and whispers:

"They put him to rights in the night, but towards morning he gave up his soul to God. . . . The Kingdom of Heaven be his and peace everlasting. . . . They say he was taken too late. . . . He ought to have gone sooner. . . ."

Varka goes out into the road and cries there, but all at once someone hits her on the back of her head so hard that her forehead knocks against a birch tree. She raises her eyes, and sees facing her, her master, the shoemaker.

"What are you about, you scabby slut?" he says. "The child is crying, and you are asleep!"

He gives her a sharp slap behind the ear, and she shakes her head, rocks the cradle, and murmurs her song. The green patch and the shadows from the trousers and the baby-clothes move up and down, nod to her, and soon take possession of her brain again. Again she sees the high road covered with liquid mud. The people with wallets on their backs and the shadows have lain down and are fast asleep. Looking at them, Varka has a passionate longing for sleep; she would lie down with enjoyment, but her mother Pelageya is walking beside her, hurrying her on. They are hastening together to the town to find situations.

"Give alms, for Christ's sake!" her mother begs of the people they meet. "Show us the Divine Mercy, kind-hearted gentlefolk!"

"Give the baby here!" a familiar voice answers. "Give the baby here!" the same voice repeats, this time harshly and angrily. "Are you asleep, you wretched girl?"

Varka jumps up, and looking round grasps what is the matter: there is no high road, no Pelageya, no people meeting them, there is only her mistress, who has come to feed the baby, and is standing in the middle of the room. While the stout, broad-shouldered woman nurses the child and soothes it, Varka stands looking at her and waiting till she has done. And outside the windows the air is already turning blue, the shadows and the green patch on the ceiling are visibly growing pale, it will soon be morning.

"Take him," says her mistress, buttoning up her chemise over her bosom; "he is crying. He must be bewitched."

Varka takes the baby, puts him in the cradle and begins rocking it again. The green patch and the shadows gradually disappear, and now there is nothing to force itself on her eyes and cloud her brain. But she is as sleepy as before, fearfully sleepy! Varka lays her head on the edge of the cradle, and rocks her whole body to overcome her sleepiness, but yet her eyes are glued together, and her head is heavy.

"Varka, heat the stove!" she hears the master's voice through the door.

So it is time to get up and set to work. Varka leaves the cradle, and runs to the shed for firewood. She is glad. When one moves and runs about, one is not so sleepy as when one is sitting down. She brings the wood, heats the stove, and feels that her wooden face is getting supple again, and that her thoughts are growing clearer.

"Varka, set the samovar!" shouts her mistress.

Varka splits a piece of wood, but has scarcely time to light the splinters and put them in the samovar, when she hears a fresh order:

"Varka, clean the master's goloshes!"

She sits down on the floor, cleans the goloshes, and thinks how nice it would be to put her head into a big deep golosh, and have a little nap in it. . . . And all at once the golosh grows, swells, fills up the whole room. Varka drops the brush, but at once shakes her head, opens her eyes wide, and tries to look at things so that they may not grow big and move before her eyes.

"Varka, wash the steps outside; I am ashamed for the customers to see them!"

Varka washes the steps, sweeps and dusts the rooms, then heats another stove and runs to the shop. There is a great deal of work: she hasn't one minute free.

But nothing is so hard as standing in the same place at the kitchen table peeling potatoes. Her head droops over the table, the potatoes dance before her eyes, the knife tumbles out of her hand while her fat, angry mistress is moving about near her with her sleeves tucked up, talking so loud that it makes a ringing in Varka's ears. It is agonising, too, to wait at dinner, to wash, to sew, there are minutes when she longs to flop on to the floor regardless of everything, and to sleep.

The day passes. Seeing the windows getting dark, Varka presses her temples that feel as though they were made of wood, and smiles, though she does not know why. The dusk of evening caresses her eyes that will hardly keep open, and promises her sound sleep soon. In the evening visitors come.

"Varka, set the samovar!" shouts her mistress. The samovar is a little one, and before the visitors have drunk all the tea they want, she has to heat it five times. After tea Varka stands for a whole hour on the same spot, looking at the visitors, and waiting for orders.

"Varka, run and buy three bottles of beer!"

She starts off, and tries to run as quickly as she can, to drive away sleep.

"Varka, fetch some vodka! Varka, where's the corkscrew? Varka, clean a herring!"

But now, at last, the visitors have gone; the lights are put out, the master and mistress go to bed.

"Varka, rock the baby!" she hears the last order.

The cricket churrs in the stove; the green patch on the ceiling and the shadows from the trousers and the baby-clothes force themselves on Varka's half-opened eyes again, wink at her and cloud her mind.

"Hush-a-bye, my baby wee," she murmurs, "and I will sing a song to thee."

And the baby screams, and is worn out with screaming. Again Varka sees the muddy high road, the people with wallets, her mother Pelageya, her father Yefim. She understands everything, she recognises everyone, but through her half sleep she cannot understand the force which binds her, hand and foot, weighs upon her, and prevents her from living. She looks round, searches for that force that she may escape from it, but she cannot find it. At last, tired to death, she does her very utmost, strains her eyes, looks up at the flickering green patch, and listening to the screaming, finds the foe who will not let her live.

That foe is the baby.

She laughs. It seems strange to her that she has failed to grasp such a simple thing before. The green patch, the shadows, and the cricket seem to laugh and wonder too.

The hallucination takes possession of Varka. She gets up from her stool, and with a broad smile on her face and wide unblinking eyes, she walks up and down the room. She feels pleased and tickled at the thought that she will be rid directly of the baby that binds her hand and foot. . . . Kill the baby and then sleep, sleep, sleep. . . .

Laughing and winking and shaking her fingers at the green patch, Varka steals up to the cradle and bends over the baby. When she has strangled him, she quickly lies down on the floor, laughs with
delight that she can sleep,

and in a minute is sleeping
as sound as the dead.

***

*one of the best-known stories from Anton Chekhov, a great short-story writer, playwright and physician. One of my favorite authors, too. Read his works since 2005. "Sleepy" first published in 1888. It's the last story from the book I've read recently: "Chekhov, Early Stories". Simple, satirical, and unpredictable; as usual. But no humor like other stories in that book. More than a hundred years ago, at July 15th, Chekhov died. This is a little commemoration for him.

Page 75: current opium (part 3)

2011-07-15T00:03:00.000+07:00

"These thoughts of you will die
They rarely do
That's why you're you
And why you're winning

And I don't even miss you at all
No no"

-Fleet Foxes, Isles-

Page 74: Accepting Vulnerability

2011-07-12T14:06:00.000+07:00

image courtesy: dinara mirtalipova

It’s okay to be drama queen (or king), sometimes. For having need to be on the spotlight. Not in an enormous stage, just a small set with the right audience(s). To caught their eyes. To be listened. Because, like it or not, we all born with “talent” to become vulnerable; at some problems, at certain moments. As we grow up, so does that talent, along with knowledge from people and things around to prevent you from breaking into million pieces.

I fully agree with that quote above. As much as I feel disagree how some people expect their friends to be “okay” or “fine” or “move on” right after they finish telling their problems. It’s cool if you don’t want your friend drown in sadness or gloominess. But everyone has different way and ability to cope with their own disaster. Some take a fast track, some take years to deal with it. Give them some time. Warn them when it's becoming too much. Yesterday, when I had “regular chat” with my best friend, I said that when I was a teenager, lovey-dovey stuff didn’t bother me as much as they do right now. Maybe because at that time, I knew there’s nothing deep with those guys. Maybe because, like she said, we finally found out that the world isn’t in our palms.

I thank L’Engle for that quote. Because for some adults, grow up is about strength, while tears and complaining are for the weak ones - and that’s how the phrase “I’m fine” becomes nothing but a lie.

Page 73: Sometimes.... (part 8)

2011-07-05T20:40:00.001+07:00

Once,

Orwell said,

"the essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection"

----

sometimes

we do seek it,

or at least dream and define it,

don't we?

our own perfection...

but at the end,

we just have to embrace the undeniable truth;

that life is about dealing with ourselves,

with mortality,

with imperfection...

[and each beauty in it]

don't we?

Page 72: Adieu

2011-07-05T19:35:00.000+07:00

I don’t know what future will bring.

All I know is you’re a good and attractive guy.

All I know is some people say that a good person will find a good person. And some friends said that I’m a good person.

But maybe a good person for you isn’t me. Because you don’t see me the way I see you, no matter how hard I tried.

Still, I have to say, “Adieu” and let everything go.

I.must.try

Be good, my dear nothing.

Page 71: Maybe

2011-06-28T18:48:00.000+07:00

Maybe it’s the way you wrote about your family and somehow I can see that you love them so much.
Maybe it’s the way you look at me at that rainy night. The night when I realized that the feeling for you was more than a crush, and I felt so stupid and anxious.
Maybe it’s the way you spontaneously dancing and jumping that night, when you heard the song from your favorite musicians.

Maybe it’s because you gave comment about my blackberry password that night; you thought it’s too long.
Maybe it’s the way you suddenly said some unnecessary details from what I’ve told you, and you’re started to act as if you’re afraid I would mistook it as some “signal” – because you remember some of my stories.
Maybe it’s because that awkward moment in that DVD store.
Maybe it’s because I found you curled up in fetal position that morning, right before you wake up.
Maybe it’s because your unimportant DM.
Maybe it’s because you wear those shoes.
Maybe that’s why it’s hard to get over you.

But…
Maybe you’re just being nice.
Maybe you see me as "just a friend".
Maybe all of those things I’ve wrote above, mean nothing to you.
Maybe I should stop. I should learn again how to let go and say "au revoir". I should learn not to waiting this long.

Because it starting to cause pain…

***

Got nothing new
Telling me, telling you
And the sky which was clear
It is no longer here

Don't know how
But that
Something extra delicious
Something sweet but nutritious
Something good
But I guess that we blew it
I mean I guess that we knew it
I mean I guess that we did

(Oren Lavie - A Quarter Past Wonderful)

Page 70: Sometimes... (part 7)

2011-06-27T19:23:00.001+07:00

Sometimes...

What we need is not the right time,

or chance,

but the courage...

image courtesy: angelreich - Waiting

***
yeah, courage is all i need. and all you need, too, my dear nothing.

Page 69: Let’s Celebrate The Thought of Education For All.

2011-06-27T18:24:00.000+07:00

Once, a friend named Galuh posted a simple yet really nice writing about school in her blog:

How Do You Define School?

Once i heard someone said, "I don’tt need school. School's sucks. Etc".
As for me, i didn’t go to school in order to please my parent.
I do love school. and i think school is more than just book, education and stuff.
It’s about attitude, ethic, and commitment.

If you think that school is boring,you are clearly can't see what's beneath.
How do you manage yourself facing the sucky lecturer?
How do you deal with rough schedule while you were having so much fun making money?
How do you find yourself working on assignment or thesis calmly while deadline is tight on?
How do you straighten up your priorities?How do you arrange a relationship with your school mate, how do you socialize?
How do you set yourself learning in group of friends and can you be a leader?
It is not easy. Yet i find its challenging.

You being smart is useless when you don’t have that kind atttitude.
Because that’s the system in life, like it or not you gotta deal with it.
School raises you to be that kind of person. School gave you busy-sucky lecturer, lots of assignment, bad grade when you have tried your best and kick your ass when you start to not obey their rules. I know its sucks. But honey.. so does life.

I’m feeling lucky that my dad supported me until i finish my postgrad.
Tough, I’m envy people who have the opportunity to go abroad for education.
Notice that our education system here in Indonesia is totally sucks.But when you can go through the suckiest, then you can go for anything, right?

So here i am, live with it. Try my best to finish my postgraduate.
Is not somehow always about the title or how are you gonna get a perfect job after.
It’s about how you finish something that you've started... perfectly.
So if you're one of those students that keeps on muttering all time saying,
"School sucks!" Well.. dont..

Believe me.. it’s a luxury.

---

When I read it, all I can say was “I couldn't agree more”. And that punch line, that school is a luxury, is true. Especially if you know how expensive schools are, nowadays. How some kids couldn’t go to school because of their parent’s financial problem, or worse,
If they have to work in the street because they think it’s the only way to survive. Becoming beggar, busk, or other job just because people around them told them that’s the best they could do. What I hate most is when those people use kids to get our sympathy, empathy, and of course, our money. By that, they also inheriting some kind of fatalism; that you can get money as easy as that, you don’t have to go to school.

Last Saturday (25/6), Sekolah Anak Jalanan (SAJA) was celebrating graduation for kindergarten students, coincided with their 10th anniversary. It’s been a year – or more, kinda forgot – since I enter that small rented building for the first time. Instead of teaching, I’ve learn a lot of things from this place. What impressed me most from the headmaster and teachers at SAJA are their dedication and spirit to persuade the students – and their parents – that they should believe they could reach a better life through education. Your future is not always determined by where you were born, or your parent’s job.

Back to the event, we can’t afford to rent a building for it, while the class room is too small. The banner is made without the date print on it because our headmaster thought we can use it again in subsequent years, as long as the colors stay still. But, even if we have the money to rent, it would be much wiser to save it for much important needs. On the other side, I think students could learn to appreciate what they have and being independent with it. For not being ashamed of who they are; a bright and fun kid who finally graduate and ready for next level at school. Moreover, donors can see the real situation and how SAJA manage the funds they’d gave. So we use the closest space we could find: under the bridge. It’s free, it’s quite wide. Yes, it’s kinda smelly each time garbage truck passing-by and it’s noisy when the lorry was putting down their cargo. But everyone seems enjoying the show. :D

Lotsa arts thingy such as dancing, singing, and poetry readings performed at the show, not only from kindergarten students, but also from SAJA elementary school students. My favorite student, Zildan, was reciting poetry smoothly. I know maybe I shouldn’t call one child as favorite. But this little guy, oh, he catches my eyes when I came for the first time at SAJA. He was eagerly asking words in English, he’s smart, and he’s really nice with other kids. I admit I’m a lame teacher. Often came late for the first session for class A at Saturday. Sometimes I didn’t show up. The thing is I usually have deadline at Friday that makes me stay at office, sometimes until 3 or 4 AM in the next day. So please have mercy on me if I tell you that it’s hard to wake up and get prepare to be at SAJA at 8 AM. :p

So, Happy 10th anniversary, SAJA! I hope you keep the spirit to give education for those who needed it.
Because, citing philosopher and educational reformer, John Dewey, “Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself.”

:)

this is Zildan, my fav student :)

giving certifications

lovely colleagues


nervous :p

Page 68: Just A Repost

2011-06-22T01:46:00.000+07:00

You're just a sculpture that still moves in the museum of my mind.

So keep walking.

Art shouldn't stop for anyone.

-iwrotethisforyou-

***

love the picture and the words :)

Page 67: Sometimes... * (part 6)

2011-06-20T19:31:00.001+07:00

Sometimes,
Revenge is the other name for justice.

Some people must play God on the gray area.
Some wept and mourn.
Some took action in the name of human rights.
While others, can only kept their sympathy and expressed their condolences, somewhere, inside their chest...

***

*Remembering Ruyati. Whatever your reason were, I hope you rest in peace now...

Page 66: This Is Not a Hate Mail

2011-06-19T19:53:00.000+07:00

Do you know how much you’ve hurt me with all the lies that spattered from your mouth? What’s the truth about that girl? The one who made you run to me each time you broke up with her, in the past. That girl, the one you called “drama queen” and “a liar”. The one who also had hear your lies from the phone each time you’re with me and told her that you’re at home, or somewhere else, except with me. I’ve lost everything I’ve ever felt for you. Now I’m getting to lose my respect and trust too. Don’t worry; I’m still going to keep the secrets you had asked me too, every single of it. She won’t hear from me about our dinner, every message, or everything. Stop being paranoid with your “gentle reminder” over and over again. Stop telling me something as if I want to ruin your relationship with our “secret” as a cheesy strategy. Calm down, dude… I don’t want you anymore...

:)

Page 65: Happiness Trigger #4 – Hufflepuff

2011-06-19T18:59:00.000+07:00

One of the simple-but-sweet things I’ve ever heard was when two good friends of mine – Adit and Veve – told me, that if we study in Hogwarts, I would be in Hufflepuff. Yes, Hufflepuff! I know for those who read Harry Potter or watch the movie, this house isn’t as popular as Gryffindor or Slytherin. But I’m happy to know that both of them thought that I have qualities that fit with Hufflepuff among other houses.

FYI, Hufflepuff’s students are chosen because of their kindness, hard work, tolerance, loyalty, and fair play. In the book, they’d been describe as people who put interest in Herbology and other comforting task and magic, humble, modest and love peace. Yep, I was happy to found out that my friends saw those qualities in me. :)

Results from them for each who gathered with us that night:
Adit: Hufflepuff
Veve: Hufflepuff
Vina: Ravenclaw. (veve told her because she values intelligence and wit. And kinda snob. Ahaha. And Vina felt kinda shocked when she heard the word “snob”. No, my dear Vina, I personally think you’re one of the coolest and nicest Ravenclaw-er. Hehe)
Dinda: Gryffindor.
Zaky: Hufflepuff.

Page 64: Happiness Trigger #3: Radiohead

2011-06-19T18:26:00.000+07:00

So here’s the problem when you’re listening to a band that formed when you’re still a toddler; when you’re at age when you can afford their ticket concert, they’ll be quite old. Old enough to make you afraid soon they’ll decided to retired or they’ll be too lazy to rock the stage. If it’s not the major issue, let’s say, that band gets bigger and better, the price of their concert ticket makes your jaw dropped. Or, if your saving’s enough to buy their ticket, they put another standard. Rumors said they won’t come to your country unless they know that your people concern about, and having contribution for; environmental issues, fair trade, or human rights.

With Radiohead and me, all of those problems above, mixed. I was the kid who’d come to my cousin’s room each noon to listened to Creep and stare at television when its video been played. I am that kid. They’re the band; 5 saints who created great music with brilliant lyrics. Yes, I admit I put them way way aside when those pretty boys from Boyzone, Backstreet Boys, 911, Moffats, Nsync, Five – you name it - made me scream like a wacko. Hehe.

I’m not their fan at that time.

Not until idioteque. Not until Kid A.

Since then, they’re my greatest harborage. I’m aware that I’m not their biggest fan on earth, not even in this country. But for me, they’re the greatest band on earth. The greatest! I love this band. And I hope one day I’ll have that luck to watch them live in concert. I’ve no doubt that I’ll cry like a baby during the show. I’ll have that shiver, cold palms, and heart that beats like an earthquake…

Okay, this is going to be random:
-    Always on my playlist since the first time I heard these songs: “Let Down”, “Paranoid Android” and “Fog”.
-    I think Kid A was their best album so far, although my favorite’s still OK Computer (what can I say? It has “Let Down”, “Paranoid Android”, “No Surprises”, and “Karma Police” in it). Why Kid A was their best? Well, because it’s the album where they’d made such a brave move and brilliant concept. It’s synthesized, claustrophobic, alternately lush and abrasive, with cryptic lyrics. It’s like they didn’t give a shit what other people would say, or think, at that time. Their music changed quite drastically compared with previous album, OK Computer.
-    I used to think that Jonny Greenwood was half alien, just like Bjork. He doesn’t look older and getting sexier. :p
-    If I can choose which song to be play at my interment, that would be “Pyramid Song”
-    My wedding song: You.
“You are the sun and moon and stars are you. And I could never run away from you”
:)
-    Favorite video: Street Spirit (Fade Out)
-    Bought their latest album including vinyl although I don’t have the player. Yeah, I know it sounds silly. Hahahaha.
-    Really love the first shirt I have with their faces on it. Although my sister caused so much damage, and it looks so damn ugly with holes and dirt after she borrowed it.
-    Easily attract to a guy who also loves their music. Once, a guy tried to approach me, and when he said not so good thing about Radiohead, I decided not to let whatever kind of relationship he tried to build with me, happen. Yeah, I know it sounds silly too x)

Oh, how I love them :)

Page 63: The Cost of War

2011-06-17T20:43:00.000+07:00

"Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime."

Ernest Hemingway

For me, the real winners in every war are sorrow, pain, and despair. Not people. Each side that fights at the war is losing; soldiers in the battle field are forcing themselves to get rid of their compassion, children are losing their parents (sometimes, even their own life).

No, I don’t understand how could someone called torturing, killing people, killing babies, burning villages, and bombing, as victory.
I don't.
And i don't want to.

And my heart broke at War Remnants Museum and The Killing Fields. I was crying,

watching pictures and evidences of cruelty that people could do to others. I was shocked, saw the numbers of victims. That’s human souls, for God’s sake…

Pray for all the victims of wars…

---

The Killing Fields, Phnom Penh, Cambodia

skulls of victims who were killed during Khmer Rouge Regime

A commemorative stupa filled with the skulls of the victims at Choeung Ek.

Some people say you still can find victim’s clothes and bones in the ground. I don’t know whether this rag belongs to one of them or not.

They called it “Magic Tree”. The tree was used to hang a loudspeaker which makes sound louder to avoid the moan of victims while they were being executed.

War Remnants Museum, Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam

victims of Agent Orange

According to Vietnamese Ministry of Foreign Affairs, 4.8 million Vietnamese people were exposed to Agent Orange, resulting in 400,000 people being killed or maimed, and 500,000 children born with birth defects

Deformed and stillborn babies after prenatal dioxin exposure from Agent Orange

***

P.S: at first, I was trying to post stories of Vietnam – Cambodia Road Trip chronologically, but when editing the pictures, I think this post should come after The Hunt of The Sunsets.

Page 62: A Glass I Hope Will Never Shatter

2011-06-15T13:53:00.000+07:00

I’ve seen a lot of things in your big-cat-like eyes:

I’ve seen tears were streaming down, sometimes for unimportant and silly reasons, sometimes for rueful stories in the past.

I’ve seen sadness, anger and disappointment when your heart torn apart.

I’ve seen hope and dreams when we’re sitting and talking about a lot of things near our college, where we can see graveyard and “Jembatan Cincin”.

I’ve seen happiness when you’re sincerely laughing. When you finally won the item you’ve always wanted on some bargaining. When you succeeded to held surprise party for my birthday. When you hear good things happen to people you love. Or when you finally found the right man and took a vow to be with him as his wife.

Congratulations, my dearest Diade Riva. If things get rough, I want you to play and listen to "If You Fall" by Azure Ray…

Let's talk and we'll fill the air with imagery that lasts forever
So this is love

Yeah that's a lovely thought
You have to care for it to keep it together
If you fall will you get up
You're stuck in a dream will you wake up
And if you fell in love will you hold on to it
And if it's cold will you stay warm
You drift too far will you swim towards the shore
And if you fell in love will you hold on to it
Lets just sing and we'll fill the air with melodies that blend together
You speak so sweet with words so delicate
A glass i hope will never shatter
If you fall will you get up
You're stuck in a dream will you wake up
And if you fell in love will you hold on to it
And if it's cold will you stay warm
You drift too far will you swim towards the shore
And if you fell in love will you hold on to it

Be good. Be happy…
:)

Page 61: Voicing The Voiceless

2011-06-14T15:57:00.000+07:00

"I am all the days
That you choose to ignore

I only stick with you
Because there are no others"

***

I think one of the great things about songs is when it can represent your feeling when you’re too shy or confuse to tell it to someone. Even at the end, you may not have the courage to send that song or tell that person that its lyrics reminds you of him/her, or tell people that the song describe your condition precisely, at least when you hear that song, you know you’re not alone. You know that somehow, the musician can catch the same vibe, flare, hope, dream, et-ce-te-ra-in-your-chest, and sing your story. You know that somehow, they also voicing the voiceless: your heartbeat.

Page 60: Sudden Death

2011-06-09T23:10:00.000+07:00

Every sudden death reminds us that what is not meant to be,
it's not meant to be.

Remind us;
that no matter how hard we tried, not all things belong to us.

Remind us;
that kids could be like a porcelain. Look solid, but fragile. Spattering when they hit the ground. That sometimes, they tend to think they should responsible for some losses. And they feel guilty for some pains their beloved ones felt.

Remind us;
that human's heart has a great yet weird ability to love. That someone could love the unborn and the anonymous.

And somehow,

every death

also

remind us

about

Life

image courtesy: treehugger.com

---

*remembering my sister’s miscarriage few days ago. Rest in peace, little angel…

Page 59: Blue Sky, Blue Smile

2011-06-03T13:39:00.000+07:00

Black clouds in battleships
Are covering the sky
The sky a purple cry
The philharmonic sigh

The sky would disappear
The sky would disappear
You know it's somewhere near
Today you wouldn't share the sky
Is gone

Goodbye
Blue sky
You made me happy for a while

...

Don't keep me waiting
My blue sky
Goodbye

(Oren Lavie - Blue Smile)

***

Maybe you’re my blue sky. Possessed a beauty in simplicity and changing tone as weather and time. Stays above my head every day; some kind of beauty that hard to own. Therefore, perhaps, I should say goodbye.