Page 95: Till We Meet Again

Today is my last day as a full-time IT journalist. Days ago, a best friend asked, “Are you feeling sad when you take a look around and know that in weeks, everything will be completely different?” Well, a bit. I’ve been working with a team consist with good people. I’d live in a rent home near office with nice people. A lot of stories and laugh been shared. One of the reasons that kept holding me from leaving was them. I mean, I love writing. And always will be. But IT wasn’t my main interest. Yes, I’m a gadget user, but not a person who want to know the latest trend immediately. It’s sort of hard to explain in short why I was working as an IT journalist for almost four years although I didn’t have strong interest in it. :p

The new office hopefully can gratify my interest in education. Yes, it’s an academic institution. No, I’m not going to work as a lecturer there. I’m pretty good when teaching kids every Saturday, but I don’t think I can handle student above 5th grader. I’ll get this…some kind of stage fright that caused me stuttering a little (if I don’t get the stutter, I’ll have this weird squeaking voice), cold and sweated palms, both hands moving too much, and feel nauseated – the point is, I look like an idiot; when standing in front of bunch of teenager to adult and teach them something. Ten persons are largest amount that I can handle. It’s still okay having role as moderator or else, but not teaching! I repeat, NOT TEACHING.

So yeah, till we meet again, good people.

:')

Page 94: Moment

ALICE:

There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give in to this, or I can resist it." And I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one. I'm gone.  

I watched Closer again last night for like, I lose count. Really love that movie; the bitter, funny and witty conversations. But yesterday, that line hit me. Hard. 

(Insert The Blower’s Daughter by Damien Rice here)

And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

And in my imagination I start to walk in slow motion like Natalie Portman did at the end of the movie. But unlike her…no one is gaze in admiration at me. Hahaha. xp

Page 93: Shape of My Heart

Sometimes I find unfamiliar stuffs in Yorke *my laptop* – and couldn’t recall who’d put those in it or how did I get it. Like songs, movies, or e-books. But it feels good when I know that those “aliens” are fascinating and entertains my senses.

Like Noah and The Whale. Last night I found them. Put it on my list, and bam! instantly fell in love with “Shape of My Heart”.

If you like Folk music, if you like Beirut, I think you’ll like them too...

"Oh when I look to the shape of my heart,
It's separated only by scars
That cut in and cut out
Oh and leave me without
Oh a heart that functions at all.


And when I look to the shape of the sky,
I give thanks for this hollow chest of mine;
That I no longer feel
The great weight of ordeals
That can make this life so unkind

...."

Enjoy! :)

Page 92: Beating Pride

What is your deadly sin among seven? Mine is pride.

…And I beat it last night.

Never thought it would be that easy, by blurting out a confession about what I’ve been feeling for months to this guy. In the past, I predict that it would be awkward and melodramatic, sort of. Ha-ha. I’m not sure, but maybe this because I already entering the acceptance phase. *singing “Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will beeeeee…”

Thanks to technology by Canadian telecommunication and wireless device company, all I had to do was typed it. I’m being honest for every word, although I used emoticon “:p”. No kidding. I’ve said it clearly, that I don’t want another man for now, I’ll wait for him.

And for you, my dear nothing, that’s the truth. It’s up to you now. If you want to talk about it, I’m ready. But if you don’t want to, then I’ll find another man when the time is come. No pain, no anger, no anguish. I can guarantee. But I’m not gonna wait forever. So, bring it on!

:)

image courtesy: cempaka surakusumah

Page 91: No More Anguish

Found this line in my friend’s blog post…

It’s an option;
To look back, but not stare nor drown.
To moving forward, but not runaway and hide.
To try to see the lesson underneath of things in life...

It's an option...

And nobody said it’s going to be easy.
But nobody said it’s impossible either...

Page 90: “Can’t”, Or Just “Don’t Want To”

This morning, a good friend of mine, Veve, a very nice and artsy woman, gave me link about letting go and acceptance. That writing enlightens her, about her ex that caused her heart breaks and makes her hard to move on.

It makes me think about men in my past: those who broke my heart. But wait, were that their responsibilities? Is it wise to blame them for that? The answer is no. They might take part in it, but I also have role. I also let my heart wounded and refused to heal it; even I knew that I’m the one who can fix it.

A best friend once wrote about a guy whom she fell in love with, “I loved the image of you that I’ve invented, I probably never fell for the real you, so it should’ve been easy to let go”

It should’ve been easy… But,

The thing is, maybe we don’t want to stop waiting and hoping because we don’t want to believe that it’s over. We deny that this long and tiring journey must end…just-like-that. We can see the finish line, actually. It’s lying there, and we’re so close. And we know it isn’t him or her that waiting for us on the line. Probably even no one there. And we should take a rest before starting a new journey. But we resist to cross the line because we refuse to believe the bitter reality that bites, chew, and eventually spitting us out. We can move on, we just don't want to. And we wait, for a quite long time. And then long enough. Until we get used to it and it becomes too long and devastating, but we didn't realize it. Sometimes we go back to the route we’ve passed, because it’s so beautiful and comforting; sweet memories that drowned us. But for what? A smile? Yes, indeed.

After that, you still have to continue the journey…

For one simple reason:
you can’t make time freeze.

 “We can’t stay here

We’re starting to feel the same

We can’t stay here

We can’t stand this way”

The National – Guest Room

Page 89: Road Trip Vietnam – Cambodia (part 1)

“Take care, and have fun,” that’s the words from my dad as he raised his hand to give me high five, before leaving me with my backpack, on the bus that took me to the airport. It was the last day on April, and I’m going for a road trip with my best friends, Dinda and Lia. Vietnam and Cambodia were our destination. We’ve planned to visit six cities. But, well, umm, our financial condition didn’t let us *ha-ha* to fulfilled ‘plan A’, so we went straight to ‘plan B’, which only gave us four cities. :D

Luckily, those four cities were great. First, we arrived at Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam. Stay there for two nights. But I’m gonna keep the story about Ho Chi Minh at day 1 – 2 for later. I think it’s better to divide the story by cities we’d visited. Since we also spent day 12-15 in Ho Chi Minh, we shall start it with Siem Reap, home for the magnificent and the largest preindustrial city in the world, Angkor.

I’m not going to write about the history of Angkor, or the exact numbers that define its enormous dimension. You can find that easily on the internet. What internet has not told me before – and mesmerized me the most at the end – was the beauty package experiencing the sunset and sunrise at Angkor. I don’t want to use the word “watching” because I wasn’t only “watching”. I didn’t call it ‘beauty package’ only by watching.

The journey to Siem Reap started at day 3 (May 2, 2011). Early morning, round about 08 AM, we took the bus from Ho Chi Minh. We bought the ticket from the hostel which we’ve been staying at, for two days before. The price for the bus ticket was $18. It’s quite boring actually, hehe. You better bring books or iPod, or…sleep. :D

sleep and iPod were dinda's "weapons" to fought boredom

After 6 hours hit the road, the bus stopped at the border for passport checking and VISA. You have to pay $25 for VISA. You can manage e-visa before you come to Cambodia, actually (I don’t know the details, better ask google, hehe). The journey continues with passing a river with a big boat, then the bus head to Phnom Penh.

crossing the river

At Phnom Penh bus station, we hopped into another bus. Smaller and much worn out. Another 6 hours with television that showing some kind of comedy program which, of course, I didn’t understand because of the language and no subtitle on it. One of the comedians kept saying “Ma-leeeeh… Ma-leeeeh…” with high-pitched voice that made the three of us stay awake, between getting disturbed and eventually laughing, especially when Dinda imitating and gave comment about the legendary shouting “Ma-leeeeeehhhhh”.

at Phnom Penh bus station

We arrived at Siem Reap at night. Before start this trip, we’ve already did a little research. It’s important for you to search information about hotel/hostel and transportation, not only for budgeting, but also for comfort and safety. I suggest Lonely Planet and Trip Advisor. Pick two or three, make a note about names and addresses. Back to our trip, we took Tuk-Tuk to search the wanted hostel. Each person paid $1. Be careful. Some Tuk-Tuk drivers could be cagey and put quite high charge for you. Sometimes they don’t take you to hostel you’ve telling them to go to, because they also work for other inn. When they take you to an inn, better ask about the room to its employee by yourself. Cagey driver can tell you that the hostel has no more room to rent, so they will take you to inn which already has agreement with them. First we staying at some nice and neat hostel but quite pricy for a backpacker; $5 per night, per person. I forgot its name, sorry. After took a bath, we went to get dinner at old market by walking.

Here some info:

• Most of the transaction in Cambodia use US$, especially for foreign tourist. You can still use riel, though.
• Liquor lovers would love to visit Cambodia. It’s cheap. Well, compare to the price in Indonesia.
• Most of the hostels provide free Wi-Fi. 
• Besides Tuk-Tuk, you can rent a motorcycle, a bicycle, or take a walk to wandering around Siem Reap.
• Always bargaining! But if you have lots of money, it’s your choice if you feel that it would be unnecessary. 

42below for US$8

dinner at old market

(To be continued…)

Page 88: Those Thick Eyebrows, Eventually

It was just a casual talk between me and my male friends after we've met this one cute girl which faith had made her our friend’s sister in law. Let me describe about me and these male first. I know these guys since I was fourteen. Some of them even had becoming my friends before that era. In short, I consider them as brothers I've never had. And sometimes they “forgot” that I’m a female. I think we’ve already crossed the boundaries of some things considered as taboo, like dirty jokes, sort of things.

So, back to the casual talk, I kind of forgot what was the trigger because I was busy replying SMS from my mom – also tweeted one or two times. :P

These guys thought the girl is cute but she wore too much make-up for a girl at her age. After blablablas, I join the convo and my first comment was, “yaudahlah” or in English it could represented as, “let it be”. I don’t know if it’s because of my tone or what (because my point was like “let her be, guys, is not like she walking around, topless”), but then Agung replied “oh, there’s a female voice. Tia is often being sensitive if we talk about gender.”

I kind of confused at that time, and when I already at home I want to laugh remembering his statement. Like, really? Am I sound like overly sensitive feminist? Ok, first, I don’t consider myself as feminist. Not because I think feminist is some kind of bad status, but because the knowledge of gender issues I’ve read or watched or heard wasn’t enough so people can called me “feminist”. I like reading news related to it and sometimes discussing it, but feminist is more than that.

About being sensitive for some cases, I don’t see any problem with that. Why? Because if we talk about gender issue, we can still find problems that female should or must face. From discrimination, domestic violence, Female Genital Mutilation, until Honor Killing; those problems still happen. The thing I considered as weird is, when people misread a female that has a strong interest about gender issue, or a feminist, as a person that potentially could turn into some male hater.

A good friend that also a feminist once told me, that feminism for her is about Equity, not Equality. I agree with her. Is not about beating male or take off bra or don’t want to get married and have kid. Trying to make male into lower position is like, “girls, what’s the point of fighting, if winning is about being like those people whose actions you hate?” Change the system, that’s the most important thing.

That statement about me being sensitive didn’t bug me. I found it’s more entertaining and lead me to another writing to post on blog. After all, few minutes later we found out that NOBODY in that car that gave comments about that girl know her age, precisely. And eventually, Agung said that the girl is pretty and girls with thick eyebrows attract him, most of the times. Hahahaha. So yeah, I think you can conclude THE POINT of the talk. It’s not the make-up or gender stereotyping, but the thick eyebrows on that cute face. Voila! :D

image from here