"
Breathe, keep breathing. Don't lose your nerve" -
Radiohead



Page 195: 10. 18. 28. 2013

/ Monday, December 31, 2012 /
10 years ago, I thought when I am turning 28, I would
     - Have no more acne (because my mom said so)
     - Have my dream car: classic VW Beetle. Blue!
     - Have a nice boyfriend, unlike my exes
     - Already have a master’s degree related to arts & culture
     - Have my short stories published in some well-recognized newspapers and magazines
     - Start my own business, like a coffee shop or antique store
     - Already participated in some exhibitions
   
However, well, reality bites. Haha. Five days from now, I’ll be 28 (damn! damn! damn!). Let’s face it.
     - I still have acnes. Want some?
     - I don’t have classic VW Beetle. 

Hello gorgeous! I want you.
     - I’m still single, while my exes probably already have new girlfriends. *Tsk. Where are you unicorn boy? 
     - Master’s degree? Short stories? Business? Exhibitions? A-hah-hah-hah-haaaaaaaaaaah. *can you feel   
       the pain in my laughter?

soon, honey. sooon
     
But at least I’ll go to Bromo to celebrate my birthday. And I have a bunch of plans in mind for 2013, hopefully I can execute them all. I am trying to be positive here, but somehow this post doesn’t show it. Hahahaha. *Again, can you feel my pain, peopleeee? Gaaah.

So buh-bye 2012, buh-bye 27.
Hello 2013, hello 28.
And Happy New Year, everyone! :)

Page 194: Current Addiction (Part 13)

/ Saturday, December 15, 2012 /
Dear Lisa,
Recently, your songs have been on my playlist and somehow, your voice soothes me and keeps me sane.

Thanks.

Ouw, and tell Damien i said hi.
Cheers,
Tia





Page 193: Rambling (and singing) to Myself

/ Friday, December 7, 2012 /
//1// 
Fetal position. You know that for you it’s the most comfort position when you’re sleeping. Although you had tried to sleep several times with other positions, you know you will always come back to it. You've read that it represents insecurity; your friend also said that. But for you, you can always find some kind of bliss to curl up like that. You feel protected. Maybe you’re such an insecure creature after all, but at least you know that bending like that makes you feel safe. And for your excuse, you said to yourself that everyone has his or her own insecurity. 

“Come and see me, sing me to sleep.” 
Damien Rice – Unplayed Piano 

//2//
Unfair. You always find it’s a bit unfair for people that do many things to win someone’s heart although s/he knows that “that someone” doesn't want to be with them anymore. Say, cook them dinner, do their homework, and lotsa lotsa things that makes them look desperate. Maybe because you had been there and to remember it, makes you feel like a moron. And you just wish that everyone that receives those kind of attentions and affections would just stop a person that willingly do anything for them, not to take “advantages” of him/her. Even for a thing called “companionship”. 

“And the strangest thing was waiting for that bell to ring” 
Coldplay – The Hardest Part 

//3//
Expired. Everything has their expiry date. No doubt about it. Love, friendship, relationship, dream. But still. You find it’s a bit hard to accept when you had already gave your best but you couldn't keep them eventually. 

“On and on the rain will say how fragile we are” 
Sting – Fragile 

//4//
Laugh. Lately, that person's laugh always made you smile. You know it’s silly. Stupid even. Two weird dreams and the next day you started to observe him. You know you have to stop this madness because you know he belongs to somebody else. And because it’s effin’ silly. 

“To me, you're strange and you're beautiful, 
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see, 
You turn every head but you don't see me.” 
Aqualung – Strange and Beautiful

Page 192: Jumping Into Puddles with Sigur Rós

/ Tuesday, November 27, 2012 /
Wet converse shoes, soaked body, and tired feet. That night, I did not care if I get sick the day after. I cried and smiled all at once. It’s all because of Sigur Rós.

On November 23rd, Fort Canning Park, Singapore filled with hundreds of people with the same purpose, to watch one of the greatest bands from Iceland, Sigur Rós. It was raining since mid day, stopped for a while when they came to the stage, and on again like half an hour before the concert ended. They opened the concert with “Í Gær”. Jónsi with his signature style of a cello bow on guitar, his angelic voice, and enigmatic sound from the band hypnotized the audience. Including me, of course. I got goosebumps and bit my lip instead of screaming hysterically. Weeks before the concert, I was hoping they would play any song from their fifth album, Takk, especially “Gong”, "Glósóli", "Hoppípolla", and "Sæglópur" . Also "Ágætis Byrjun" (from the album Ágætis Byrjun) and “Vaka” from the album ( ). Eventually, it came true. The second song was “Vaka”. I’ve tried my best not to cry like a baby, and I did. Well, I cried a little. Hehe.

But my tears were streaming down when they performed “Glósóli”. I just couldn’t help it. Maybe that’s the magic of a good music, although you don’t understand the language and definitely won’t be able to sing along perfectly, it gets into your soul. Next, “Svefn-g-englar” from the album Ágætis Byrjun. This song also appeared in Vanilla Sky the movie. Ah, yes, I got the shivers! Back then, I couldn’t decide whether it’s because of the rain or the beautiful sounds from those talented people on the stage. Now I’m sure it was the sounds.

Jónsi didn’t say much during the concert, not even introduced each song, only a few “thank you” and when he was introducing the new song. I couldn’t remember the title, though. After “Svefn-g-englar”, Jónsi smiled to the audience and the next second I grinned like Cheshire cat when I heard the intro from “Sæglópur “. Followed by “Fljótavík” and then “Viðrar Vel Til Loftárása”, no one sing along. I was sure it was because of its hopelandic lyrics. Haha. But obviously I could hear people were screaming “Jónsi!” or “wohoo!” “Whoaaaa! Sigur Rós!” over and over.

Another mesmerizing moment came when they performed “Hoppípolla”. There were inexplicable feelings rushing through my brain that made me cried and smiled at the same time. Probably it happened to everybody else at the venue at that time. We were happy, for sure. It's a bit funny because "Hoppipolla" means "jumping into puddles" which was kind of represent the condition during concert caused by the weather.

They also performed songs from their latest album Valtari, like “Með Blóðnasir” and “Varúð”. In between those two they performed “Olsen Olsen” from the album Ágætis Byrjun. For Encore, they chose “Ekki Múkk” and “Popplagið”.

Conclusion: It’s a magnificent concert. And every little cell in my body was happy.




Page 191: Yeah, It's Happening

/ Wednesday, November 21, 2012 /

"All my friends have different plans to make their lives worth while
Some for the better
Some for worse
Some have gone to different cities searching every mile
For missing pieces that will make a whole"

1995, The Radio Dept.

---

yeah, it's happening
*sigh*


Page 190: Childhood is…

/ /
Climbed a mango tree that used to stand tall in front of my house.

Watched Mahabharata, Ramayana TV series, and wayang wong with my grandma. And for no particular reason, had a crush with Indrajit.

Went to Senen with my mom where we bought a lot of Album Donal Bebek and other books.

Had a little “party” every Saturday night with my dad and sister. No TV, just music from my dad’s old tape player. It was always The Beatles or Koes Ploes that made us dance like a bunch of imbeciles. Haha.

Ate unhealthy snacks that my parents forbid.

Had a strong hunch that under one of the classes at my elementary school, there’s a box filled with treasure. I remember my friend Septian and I were planning to come there at 2AM. It was so easy to convince him with a fake map that I drew. Of course, we never made it. Man, I was such an idiot back then.

Listened to my dad talking about UFO and alien and conspiracy theory. He still does this every time he got the chance. And I’m still his loyal partner to discuss with.

Danced under the rain.

Played galasin and overly competitive on it.

Obsessed with kungfu and every TV series with kungfu in it.

Created games with my sister and cousins that our parents considered as “dreadful” like:

   - Made my sister stood still, put an apple on top of her head and threw her with a knife in attempt to imitate a circus act that we had seen on TV.

   - Jumped freely from top of the bunk bed, with a simple rule: landing on our knees. I still remember my aunt yelled “do you want to break your legs?!”

   - Made a human tunnel and compete who can hung on the longest on such a weird position.

Hoped that one day I could find a magic door that leads me to wonderland where I can find unicorn, dragon, big foot, and other whimsical creatures.

Be the clumsiest kid in the family.

Screamed each time I saw onion’s skin. Until now, I still think it’s one of the most disgusting things in this world. I’ve learnt not to scream anymore, though.

Licked car freshener (orange scent) because I thought it would taste “fresh” just like orange. My uncle caught me while I was doing it, and I think my mom, although she laughed really hard, was very ashamed at that time.

Ate paper glue. It’s sweet. Seriously.

When one of my biggest concerns was afraid to wake up late on Sunday and I would missed my favorite cartoon series.

When I did lotsa lotsa stupid things.

When I was allowed to do mistakes because I’m just a kid.

Page 189: Maybe, For A While

/ /
Maybe, someday, when I really really tired of everything and everyone that always tells me to live a life like the way they want me to, I’ll have a journey by myself, not telling anyone about my destination. When the word “it’s my life” won’t keep their mouth shut.

Running with horses, meet strangers, swimming naked, just like Alexander Supertramp. But I don’t want to die the way he did, hehe. 



Maybe I will find a nice place to stay for a while.

"My shadow runs with me
Underneath the big white sun
My shadow comes with me as we leave it all
We leave it all far behind"

-Far Behind, Eddie Vedder-

Page 188: Current Addiction (part 12)

/ Thursday, November 15, 2012 /
I'm still in love with this album...


especially this song:


There's a mark on me
Love song burning up in effigy
Two roads diverging in a lovely dream that only two can tear 

It's hard to understand
The cruel, cruel summer of a water ban
A dead grass cradle and a water can
To hold our prayer for rain

Be the same
Have we severed every courtesy we've made?

There's a mark on me
Scorched earth lovers, is that all we'll be?
Road diverging in a living dream of hope and love and time

Be the same
Though we severed every courtesy we've made

Be the same
Though we severed every courtesy we've made

Now we severed every courtesy we've made
Have we severed every courtesy we've made?

Page 187: A Girl Who Reads

/ Friday, November 9, 2012 /
Date A Girl Who Reads by Rosemarie Urquico

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

---

One of my favorite writings about girl that reads. I know it's a bit narcissistic, haha. :P 

Page 186: Sometimes... Part 19

/ Thursday, November 8, 2012 /
Sometimes, I am enjoying asking tricky questions to people that love to brag. 
Just to see how far they can go. 
In my imagination, their heads go bigger…
and bigger…

                            and bigger…


and BOOM! 

Haha.

image courtesy: here

Page 185: Rich and Smart

/ Sunday, November 4, 2012 /
Look. If you came from a rich family, and you’re smart (and good-looking), please don’t expect me to praise you.

Here’s why: because if you have money, will have access to education more than the unfortunate ones. You have that chance to be SMART, focus on your study, because you don’t have to think bunch of problems like, “how will my parents pay for my school?”, “I have to find a job immediately to support my education”, etc.

On the other hand, it will be shocking as hell if you’re stupid. Well, if you have some kind of disabilities, that’s another case. Maybe this is also the reason I get irritated a little when I hear rich kids that apply for some scholarship for the sake of prestige. What’s the deal? To prove that you’re smart enough? Trust me, some people need it more than you, because they simply couldn't afford the fees. Oh, and that pretty face, yeah, you also have that access to treat your outside beauty. Nothing really special about that.

Do I sound like a cynic now?
Blah, maybe I just envy you, you lucky spoiled brat.


Page 184: Shitty

/ Tuesday, October 30, 2012 /

I have too much shit inside my head, lately. 
It needs to take a rest




Page 183: Current Addiction (part 11)

/ Monday, October 29, 2012 /

Only Love Can Break Your Heart

When you were young and on your own
How did it feel to be alone
I was always thinking of games that I was playing
Trying to make the best of my time

But only love can break your heart
What if your world should fall apart
Yes only love can break your heart
Try to be sure right from the start

I have a friend I’ve never seen
He hide his head behind a screen
Someone should call him and see if he can come out
Try to loose the down that he’s found

Yes only love can break your heart
Try to be sure right from the start
Yes only love can break your heart
What if your world should fall apart

I have a friend i’ve never seen

He hide his head behind a screen
Yes only love can break your heart





I’m in love with this song. 
No, my heart is okay. Although since it broke the last time because of my stupidity, I don’t think I've already found all the missing parts, but I can guarantee that my heart is okay. 
Oh, I really wish I could play guitar.

Page 182: Sometimes... Part 18

/ Sunday, October 28, 2012 /
Once, Mr. Palahniuk said, “If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't.”

Well, but my dear Chuck, sometimes, it’s way waaaay easier to make a list of things you do not want instead of otherwise. Or know what you want without knowing how to get it.




Page 181: The People vs. Larry Flynt

/ Saturday, October 27, 2012 /
I watched The People vs. Larry Flynt last week, and I like it.

I like the way the movie tells Larry’s subsequent clash with law; the arguments, how did he react with it, his behavior, his statements, etc.

I like memorable quotes in this movie:
Flynt: “Because if the First Amendment will protect a scumbag like me...then it'll protect all of you. 'Cause I'm the worst.”
“If we want to change the laws, that's another discussion...but our right to decide for ourselves cannot be restricted. George Orwell said that...”
One of the judges (I forgot his name): “the First Amendment is not everything. It's of very important value, but it's not the only value in our society.”

And I like the way the movie depicts how Larry loves Althea so much, until the day she died. I know it sounds cheesy, but it’s…it’s beautiful. For me, it’s beautiful. Really.
Larry: You're not talking about monogamy? 
Althea: No. Of course not. How could you misunderstand me? 
I don't wanna get married and stop the way we live. The way we live is great. Nothing would change. My God. 
Larry: Why now? 
Althea: Because I only wanna be with you. You're the only man I wanna be with. I want this ring on my finger...to tell me that you love me above all other women. 
Larry: You want a ceremony? 
Althea: I wanna go to a church. I wanna stand in front of a preacher. 
Larry: Pay the preacher first...and we'll get a "cashectomy" from the lawyer on the way out. You are my life.                   
Althea: You're my life. 


Page 180: Sometimes... Part 17

/ Thursday, October 25, 2012 /
Sometimes...when I remember that day...when you walked, then you stopped and asked me "did i walk too fast?" when you found out that I was running behind you - although I know there will never be anything special between us - I smile.



Page 179: Need. Needed. Needy

/ Thursday, October 11, 2012 /

She: sometimes I think a girl that act dumb, needy, when actually she’s smart and independent, is kinda use her brain to attract man. They know that most men still have this perspective that men have to be superior to women, even the smart ones. They use it as a weapon, a particular strategy so those men will feel that these girls need them. Mmm…most of men prefer needy and spoiled women. Well, we know that they usually do. I think that’s why we think that it is hard to find a boyfriend. While actually, for them, independent and smart women like you and me…

Me: hahahaha. Independent and smart?

She: wait! We are. Independent and smart women like us, are pretty hard to handle. Because we have this image, that we don’t need them. Not as much as those act-dumb-needy girls.

This is not a sexist writing and I am not intending to make it vaguely looks like that, but somehow I agree with my friend on “most men need a needy woman, even the smart ones”. I knew it because I saw evidences (and experienced it). Other friend said that it’s not a shocker, because sometimes it is nice to be needed; to get the feeling that somebody rely on you, ask you like you’re on the same level of intelligence with Tesla, craving for your advice like you’re one of the wisest people on earth, etc. And by being needed by needy person, it’s like exaggerating the number of how important is you for this person.

And maybe, yeah, it’s an “effective” strategy to win a man, but somehow I think, “Bollocks! I refuse to act dumb, or needy”. If I don’t know about something, or really need help, I’ll ask. But I won’t pretend if I actually can handle it by myself just to get attentions. It’s not only condescending, but also degrading every woman. Degrading men too, because that kind of attitude make them look like needy and megalomaniac creatures that measure their existence from women who whining asking for their help for every unnecessary thing.

Maybe, at the end, it’s about self-content and territory.


Page 178: Flown

/ Wednesday, October 3, 2012 /
I endorsed myself to fall in for you...


I love like the image I've made of you... This image i built from words you used, songs you selected, movies you watched, books you read.. In the end i just loved liked you, probably.. 

All was manufactured from dangerous process done by the factory inside my mind..

Read the original version, here



The first time I met you, you’re like 8, probably 8.5 because your taste in music, books, movies, and your perspective on things. How you hate sweet coffee, the way you give compliments on people’s works, the way you sing, etc.

But as time went by, your image started to falling apart. Especially after that night, you’re like 6.5 in my eyes. I saw things I've considered as “flaws”. Yes, you’re still smart, you’re still kind, you’re still cool, but…but…I don’t know. It’s like a pair of beautiful shoes that seems good and comfortable in my feet, but somehow I couldn't afford the price or don’t know how to maintain it, or I wouldn't be able to wear it anytime and anywhere.

Maybe it’s because I've already created this particular image of you inside my head, that silly (and dirty) imagination which make me laugh when I recall it. And this image wasn't the real you. This image and the way I subtract your number or value was unfair. I’m so sorry, dude. So yeah, I've changed my mind. You’re still an 8, for now.

- - -

Well, those butterflies had already flown away. C ya next time, little creatures! :)

Page 177: From Faith to Nationalism

/ Tuesday, October 2, 2012 /
Random things I've learned last week:

- Faith is everything you hold dear in your heart. It’s irrational sometimes. It’s more than just a feeling, or hunch, or meaningless warmth. As long as you are comfort with it (and harmless or nothing against the law), stick with it. And I’m not talking about religion related only, but everything. Basically. Everything.

- Sketching and doodling is really fun. The basic rule is keep sketching as you wish. As for me, I don’t like to add colors in my works. I've tried it and regretted it.




- If someone gives you compliments, spend more time to analyze good things about him/ her and give positive comments as well. Try to be sincere, or at least try to look like you are. As Sheldon Cooper says, “It is social convention” he-he. No, seriously, do this more often. It will make you feel good. Promise.

- Whether you like it or not, we still live in a superficial society. But relax, some people still can find beauty underneath the surface.

- Some people still see nationalism with such narrow perspective. Sometimes it leads them to silly stereotype about other nations, even racism. It’s sad.

- I can’t help myself but laugh my arse off when I hear a person says that she/ he believes in “love at first sight.” Oh come on! Get real!

- Ouw! Ouw! Ouw! One more thing.


That's soooo trueeeeee... :)

a scratch, a little reminder

/ Thursday, September 27, 2012 /
Maka dengarkanlah ini sebentar; bila kau punya mimpi maka kejarlah. Sampai jatuh, sampai memar sikutmu, sampai biru dengkulmu, sampai lebam kepalamu, sampai mampus.

Listen to me for a minute; if you have a dream, pursue it. Until you fall, until your elbows got bruised, until your knees got rashes or turn into blue, until your head livid, until you die.

Page 176: Current Addiction (part 10)

/ Tuesday, September 25, 2012 /
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

- After The Storm, Mumford and Sons -


hmm... we'll see, guys...

Page 175: That Question

/ /
Lately, I feel like I’m at this phase when I’m questioning about choices I’ve made in my life. *tsah :p

No, seriously, I am. One of the questions is why I’m still wearing hijab. Maybe it’s because two people asked me about it. And well guess what, I don’t think I gave them a good answer. Haha. Yes, I’ve explained them about my view that hijab is like a reminder for me to not cross some boundaries. To remind me that I’m a moslem and I should’ve been done things that I did, or I shouldn’t do things that my religion forbids me to. But after that, I asked myself, is that reason good enough? Is that the real reason?

I’m aware that I’m not a (very) good moslem. God knows I’m not. I’ve done things that people might consider as sins, and I’m not proud of that. Sometimes I still am doing those things. Well it’s not really bad things like killing or stealing or anything against the law, but still, if you do these things, probably no one will consider you as a pious moslem. So why I keep wearing hijab anyway? Commitment? Habit? I don’t know.

Even the real reason I’m wearing it at first was not inspiring. No such thing called religious enlightenment. To be honest, I’m too embarrassed to write it down. Haha.

Does it mean that my faith is decreasing?
Tsk.

But as my mom used to say, “the most important thing is that you’re living life as a good person.”
Yeah, "be good". I think that's the least that I can do for now.

Page 174: Simply Romantic

/ Saturday, September 22, 2012 /
"Sartre and de Beauvoir always read one another's work. Debates rage on about the extent to which they influenced each other in their existentialist works, such as Sartre's Being and Nothingness and de Beauvoir's She Came to Stay."
-wikipedia-

image courtesy: here


I think it's simply romantic :)

Page 173: Neutralize

/ Thursday, September 20, 2012 /
Do you know the easiest and quickest way to neutralize your feelings towards someone so you don’t have to feel anxious when that person is around, or talk to you?

Please tell me. I kinda need it as soon as possible.

I need to stop this madness, this crazy imagination inside my head, this butterfly or other bugs that crawling inside my stomach. Not just to deny it.

I need it.
Immediately.


And here I go losing my control 

I'm practicing your name 
So I can say it to your face 
It doesn't seem right to look you in the eye 
Let all the things you mean to me come tumbling out my mouth 
Indeed it's time tell you why I say it's infinitely true 

Say you'll stay don't come and go like you do 
Sway my way yeah I need to know all about you 

And there's no cure no way to be sure 
Where everything's turned inside out 
But still in so much doubt 
It makes me so tired I feel so uninspired 
My head is battling with my heart 
My logic has been torn apart 
And now it's all so sour 
Cause sweets in every afternoon

Sway, Bic Runga

Page 172: Transgender

/ Tuesday, September 18, 2012 /
I still remember that day clearly. She was looking at me, put a bitter smile and said, “I envy you. Well, basically I envy everyone that born without the needs to change their sex.” And she laughed. I didn’t. I smiled, though. A smile; the easiest form of sympathy for her, a transgender I've interviewed when I was still a college student. She told me her story, her thoughts, and her efforts to fit in the society. It was heart breaking. Devastating.

It’s devastating... 
...when you think you are trapped in a wrong body.
...when people call you names.
...when your closest circle, your beloved ones, force you to become somebody else but you. 
...when people look at you with disgust when you are walking in front of them.
...to know that people could judge you easily and shuts your chance to prove that you’re so much more than flesh and blood. That you’re actually smart, kind, and capable of so many things.
...to wonder whether someday you will be able to find someone who could love you for your soul or not.
...to grow up with this particular thoughts or verdict, that jobs which available for you are menial ones…and degrading.
...how this so-called ‘normal’ society, won’t leave you alone in peace just because you’ve decided to change your physical appearance, your private parts, because you want to make yourself feel complete.

Can you blame them if they became full of hate and suspicious? 
Treat them nice, please...

You never know it 
My peace of mind 
My inside and outside are matching

- Elephant Woman, Blonde Redhead-

This is Calpernia Addams, a spokesperson and activist for transgender rights and issues.
She's cool.

Page 171: Fuck You! I'm Fabulous!

/ Friday, September 14, 2012 /
Let me clarify a few things here, mister.

Maybe I am difficult.
Maybe I am questioning too much of things that stuck in my head after I read articles or books, or watched movies.
Maybe I am that kind of woman, who doesn’t need a man to become my “imam” that always walks in front of me, guides me, asks me to obey him all the time.
Maybe I am insensitive and cold.
Maybe I am weird.

However,
My difficulties became a problem for you because you weren't wise enough to see that it’s actually not a crime. It never was. You never want to learn more, that’s why you easily said that I’m difficult.

I’m questioning too much because that’s just the way I am. Again, it’s not a crime. And it’s not a competition. It never was. It’s just the way I communicate with other human beings. I had never tried to make you feel that I'm smarter than you are, or much superior. I’m okay with critics; go ask my friends and colleagues. People make mistakes. Critics could fix that.

I don’t need “imam” that always walks in front of me, because if he walks in front of me, he wouldn’t notice if something bad happen to me, because I’m walking behind him. I need a man who is not afraid to walk beside me, to discuss which path we should take.

I am insensitive, but it doesn’t mean that I'm careless. Until now, no one ever told me that I’m a bad person. I have lovely friends. I care about them. I love them. Vice versa.

I'm weird. But in a good way. Probably, i'm extraordinary *tsah :p.

I don’t want to complicate things anymore. You have your own perspective about life, about whom you should choose to become your lover, etc etc. And that’s fine. I can deal with it.

Truce.

But I still need to write this down…
FUCK YOU! I’M FABULOUS! 
:)


Page 170: I know I'm not...

/ Wednesday, September 12, 2012 /
...fine.

If someone asks, "how are you?", i would probably answer, "physically? or mentally?" and then "physically good, mentally, the otherwise". Hahaha. I know it's not funny.

But...
I can pretend that i'm fine enough. That i'm as happy as clown can be. I can put a big smile like cheshire cat and laugh for silly things around me. I can. I really can.

It's on my survival kit kinda thing, recently. It soothes me in a bizarre way. It really is. And probably you won't get it. Yes, you, visitor(s) of this blog. How many of you who really read this shit? One? Two? None?

This is rubbish. I know.

"Happy is easy. You act happy, others see you as happy, you see yourself through their eyes, and you feel happy."
- Elaine, Ally McBeal -

Very Petite Footnote

/ Tuesday, September 11, 2012 /
Reading, writing, making mixtapes for friends, working, designing, playing monopoly, eating, munching, eating again, writing again, drawing, walking, running (from reality *hanyah), listening, folding papers, writing, mumbling, watching movies, writing, laughing.

Anything.
Anything.
I need distractions.
I need them.
Anything.

i don't know why i put this picture. heck!

"These thoughts of you will die"
- Fleet Foxes -

Page 169: Stupid Condescension

/ Sunday, September 9, 2012 /
After all these years, I hate the way you can always find a way to hurt me and make me questioning the qualities in me. How you can slowly convinced me that I had an elusive wall that made you thought that I’m that kind of person which hard to be with; fun and attractive at first but going deeper, I’m just a weirdo. I’m too weird for you. Yes, I still remember you called me that. That’s why you said that I should find another man with the same ‘quality’ and it’s definitely not in you. “You’re smart, but too weird”. Was it a compliment or a mock? Until now, I could not decide.

Is that why you chose her instead of me, the one whom you called ‘liar’ and ‘drama queen’ when you ran to me those nights? You've told me you would never want her back, but a friend just told me that you’re dating her again. This is confusing. Am I that difficult? Am I really one level under her?

No, man, I don’t want you anymore. I’m quite sure of that. And I know, yes I know that this is not a race, but maybe, I just hate the fact that you already have somebody while I have none. I hate the fact that your reason of why you didn't want me appeared, stuck in my brain and affected my self-esteem.

I know Nietzche said, “what doesn't kill you makes you stronger”, but still…gosh, I hate this stupid condescension. I know this is stupid. This is rubbish. Anyone who read this would probably says, “poor you, stupid self-pitying beyotch”. But you know what, one of my favorite musician said that “something will never wash away”. Maybe it’s true. Damn!

man, what a mustache 

Page 168: That Last Scene

/ Wednesday, September 5, 2012 /
That last scene.
That very last scene.
When they took a shower together.
You can really see that a thing called passion, gone.
Probably also that creature called love...


Like Crazy is not a movie with memorable quote or dramatic scenes. It's just a simple story about a couple that struggling with their problems on facing long distant relationship. Not really my cup of tea coffee. But you can see their chemistry and emotions. Good job Jones and Yelchin!

Petite Footnote

/ /

Shoooot! I missed the 66666 visitors! I really want to capture it, actually. Ok, now go back to google to find the reason/ history of why the word "vagina" is more taboo to be used rather than "penis".

Page 167: I Should Read More Books

/ Monday, September 3, 2012 /
Seriously, I should. In fact, let’s change the word “should” with “must”. Last night I talked with my roommate about book that we are currently read (this is probably the reason why we haven’t found prospective new boyfriend after years *yes, enough with someone from the past please*, because instead of going to some hip places and mingle wiggle, we’re busy discussing books or interesting article we found on internet. Hahah!) and man, there are so many GOOD books out there! We agreed that because we are getting older and now we have job, we are getting slower on finishing a book, compare to the time when we were in college. I finished each book from the marvelous His Dark Materials Trilogy like 3 days. It has more than 300 pages and although it’s a fiction book, Philip Pullman’s thoughts about religion, social hierarchy and atheism weren’t that easy to swallow. Now? I would be so proud of myself if I finished a book in two or three weeks.

So this is the list because I already own it or have access to read it:

1984 – George Orwell
I know…I know… You can call me lame or whatever. At least I’ve read the other masterpiece from Orwell, Animal Farm. Don’t worry, I will read this book. Because my roommate said before “Brave New World”, I should read this one first. I think last month, my coworker also gave me the ebook version, so yeah maybe it’s a sign :p.

Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
and The Sirens of Titan (Kurt Vonnegut)
I love whimsical stories, and I trust my roommate completely when she recommends books to read. She said these two books are mind-blowing. And guess what, I just realized that my coworker already gave me the ebook version of Brave New World. Ha! This means homework.

The Whisperer – John Connolly

Wuthering Heights – Emily Jane Bronte
Because lately people around me talk or mention this book, or gave me some quotes from it. Curious.

God is Dead – Steve Bruce
As far as I can remember, this non-fiction book has been on my bookshelf since years ago, probably 2010. Argh.

Something from Lacan, More Chomsky, More Sartre, and Beauvoir.

Oh, i currently reading this book, by the way. It's gooood. Besides great retold fairy tales, I love the way every writers that made contribution put their insight for the stories they wrote.


Ok now back to work :|

Page 166: Yes...Yes... L.I.S.T.E.N

/ /
"LISTEN: Women's bodies, even ones into which you get to stick your penis, are not yours. Women have the right to be gross, to have hair, to be slow, to put on make-up, to not put on make-up, to wear fake eyelashes, to smell good or bad, and to be human beings. Women are not your dog our your lawn or your living room, you do not get to prune and groom and design us, and negotiating things like hygiene and style within a relationship is a matter of mutual respect. My right to do my own nails does not stop where your personal boner for trimmed cuticles begins.

Also, women: If you are single, it is not because your fake eyelashes are too bushy or Kevin doesn't like cucumber lotion. This shit is an oppressive waste of your time. Here's my new beauty tip for everyone on earth: Go read a book or something."

- Lindy West, Jezebel. Full article: here -

Page 165: As Simple As That #2

/ Saturday, September 1, 2012 /
The truth is, I’m a bit tired when people told me to be more sensitive or observing someone’s feelings towards me. Like seriously, because I’m bad at it. Ha-ha-ha. I’m a lousy emotion reader (if you haven’t heard about this term, I invented it. Maybe :p)

No, I can’t tell if a guy has a crush on me just because sometimes he gazes into my eyes, or buy me blueberry cheesecake every single week, or the way he talks to me, etc. And after what I've been through, I don’t want to make another assumption of this and that. I’m not professor X who can read mind. It is fucking pointless. I repeat, fucking pointless.

If that guy is an adult, and he likes me, he would ask me out. It doesn't have to be a fancy date, just a simple casual date, just the two of us.
...Or he can kiss me without ask for my permission first. *what? It's just a kiss. I won't get pregnant or something.

Yes, my dear friend, i won't analyze just because you've told me that you thought this guy is into me. Maybe he's just being nice.
As simple as that.

“And I don't want a piece of mystery 
No I don't want to read your thoughts anymore”



Heinrich Maneuver, 
Yeah it's Interpol

Page 164: Narc

/ /

I've been listening to Interpol again lately, their first two albums. And I know it’s kinda lame, but I just realized that “Narc” in “Antics” has really seductive and sexy lyrics, but still classy. *where have you beeeeen?


We slips into the bedroom 
Babe, you know me, this is alright. 
Holding we'll make soon 
Will sustain us through the night 
Inside my bedroom baby 
Touch me, oh tonight 
Poses, we'll make some 
Will reveal our sense of right 

Can you imagine if a cute guy sings this song for you, dedicated this song to you? Can you feel the heat in the air all of a sudden and want to find a room immediately? Man, this song leads me to such dirty thoughts. Hahaha.



Page 163: As Simple As That

/ Thursday, August 30, 2012 /
Couple of days ago when I just got back from my parents’ home and entered the apartment; I called my roommate, “Neng?” And when she replied, I went straight to her room, and hugged her. I don’t know why. Yes, I haven’t seen her for a week because she went to Medan, but before that, I didn’t miss her that bad until decided to gave her a hug. And before that, I had experience being far from her more than a week, but still I didn’t hug her.

Anyway, after that, we did our “routines”: sharing about most of the things that recently happened in our life, gossiping, discussing this and that, and laughing our ass off about silly things/ people. I like several thoughts that came up from our conversation that day. I think that’s the joy of talking with smart, funny, and open minded person like her. You can always get some fresh insight for your mind and some of them make you want to share it through your blog. Although I don’t know if anyone ever really read this blog *hahaha*, I mean except my friend or people that dropped comments. But yeah, visitor counter said that actually some people came to this virtual asylum. :p

I think the most interesting part when we finally acknowledge that the way we saw our beliefs is changing *tsaaah...seddaaaap :p.* Me with the way I saw Islam, its rituals and rules, and how I connected with God. While she had already came to the point when she thinks she is no longer an agnostic, but an atheist. I can’t tell about her turning point. Mine is happen last Ramadan. I am still learning, though, on dividing which that I must hold dearly in my heart, which that actually was part of Middle East culture that people misinterpreted it as part of Islam, and which that was actually came up because the way people exaggerated things in the past. It is important because your belief should lead you to inner peace, make you a better person and treat people with respects and tolerance. It doesn’t have to be religion; you can still find inner peace although you’re an agnostic or an atheist. It is important because that is the least that you can do to find the real value, something that you really can do while you are still breathing, while you are alive.

Up until now, I still don’t understand people who persuade their friends to choose leader/politician that has the same religion, simply because they felt threatened that if they didn’t do it, it will oppress their freedom to do rituals. Believe it or not, my neighbor was practicing this method to my father. And all that my father could do was smirking. He didn’t give a damn, for sure. Hahaha. Once I wrote about this kind of blind faith, time passed by and I still don’t understand how they could be so suspicious. Why it seemed very hard for them to understand and learn more about the concept of tolerance? It’s a simple thing actually. As simple as if my roommate asks me why I haven’t took prayer while I was busy doing something. See? She doesn’t believe in god or deity yet she still reminds me about my rituals, because we know that as adults who can use their brains to think and their hearts to feel, no one can and have the right to force belief/faith to others. Yep, as simple as that.

Aweee, we’re so adorable or what? Hahaha.

And here's Losing My Religion by R.E.M. Just because i miss Mr. Stipe and the gank today ;)

Page 162: Today’s playlist

/ Wednesday, August 29, 2012 /

Because yesterday a friend sang this song and i did not recognize it right away. Weird, because there were this particular period of time when i listened to this song repeatedly.

Sorry, yorke. ;)

So let’s sing together!
“Little babies eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes,”


Aaaandddd............back to work!
:|

Page 161: Victim Blaming, Preaching, and Eid Mubarak.

/ Wednesday, August 22, 2012 /
Once, this sentence written on Jezebel, “more than 50 years after the women’s movement began, we’re still trying to silence women with dicks.” True. Although “weapons” used by misogynist could be different on each country/ area, the core strategy is still the same: use sex to beat women down. Besides rape, (and sexual assault, oppression, stupid law and regulation, etc), victim blaming is also one of the weapons to shut women’s minds and mouths.

Couple of days ago, after I had Eid Prayer at a mosque near my home and get ready to leave, an old lady in my neighborhood asked me why she rarely saw me during tarawih time this Ramadan, even on weekend. I simply answered I had tarawih at other places, because I want to get new experience. I wasn’t lying, I’d had tarawih at other places, I just didn’t tell her the details, that the mosque where we used to have tarawih at, disappointed me last year for invited preachers that spread this vague hatred towards other beliefs and women. I remember a preacher told this story about women that wearing short skirt or tight shirt can’t blame men entirely if they assault them sexually, because that kind of outfit is another way to seduce men without saying a word. Great! What a fallacy! That impolite cave man encouraged people to do victim blaming.

That was WTF moment. And that preacher is an a-hole.

I know how it feels to be blame when actually I was the victim. Years ago, a stranger groped my breast on a bus, and when I told my cousin about it, the first thing that came out from her mouth was, “what were you wearing that night? Maybe it was too tight so that man took the wrong signal.”

Another WTF moment.

I was angry that time. And I told her that there’s nothing wrong with what I wore (oversized shirt and jeans, and I was much skinnier back then, how seductive that could be?) but there’s definitely something wrong with that man’s brain and her head.

My points:
1. If a woman wearing tight dress or even bikini, doesn’t mean you can lay your hands on her just like that. My body is my temple, there’s list of rules and you have to respect it.
2. Quoting this person: Rape is caused by rapist, misogyny, structural violence, institutional tolerance. Not by women's clothes, the way she walks, the way she crosses her legs, the makeup she wears, being in the "wrong" place, drinking, or not being "careful enough".

Anyway, happy Eid Mubarak for all Moslem in the world. Happy holidays (if you had any) for the rest. This year Eid wasn’t that different from previous years, at least for me. Still busy help my mom preparing food for more than fifty people. Still help my dad rearrange furniture (but this year, including held the refrigerator for 15 seconds or more so it wouldn’t tumble down while my dad was fixing a wheel on its supporting board. After that, I can’t feel my arms and spine for a while :p ) so all family members could fit into our home. Still can’t eat anything with santan in it for a week (never really like santan, tho). Still munching kastengel continuously like there’s no tomorrow. Still make a cup of black coffee at night as a reward for myself on facing a super hectic day.

a cup of black coffee and a new book, a little piece of heaven :) 
I know this post has such a messy structure, but I’m stick with JK Rowling that, “For my own mental health, I need to write.”

Page 160: I Miss My Days as a (Full time) Journalist

/ /

Some say every picture has its own story. For those who don’t know the story behind picture above would say that it’s just a picture of three women had fun with an application, which gave them silly virtual hats. For me, well, it’s not that different actually, hehe. The additional story is that the picture was taken 2 years ago, when we were still journalists, unmarried, and lived in the same big chaotic city: Jakarta.

Yep, back then, three of us were journalists. Young journalists. The left one was an economic journalist, the one in the middle was a lifestyle/woman media journalist, and the right one (me) was an IT journalist. We weren’t that satisfied with our companies, three of the biggest media companies in Indonesia. So we decided to make some changes in our life, for a better future. Since then, here’s a quick recap of what happened with us:

- The left one got married and move to Surabaya, leave her career as journalist, now a mother of one daughter. Still blogging, loves cooking, and recently got interviewed by one of the biggest newspapers in Surabaya for an article about mothers that breastfeeding their kids but still fasting.

- The one in the middle now working as media relation staff, still unmarried, had pretty amazing love stories *this is not sarcasm, li. I really think that your love story was pretty amazing, please don’t hurt me if you read this*, dated few guys, fell in love and broken hearted. Still lives in Jakarta.

- Me? Now I’m working as digital media/ marketing and communication staff on a company based in Jakarta, still unmarried, fell in love but then failed on building a healthy relationship *twice*, but I’m sure I’ve moved on.

I’m not trying to analyze whether our life gotten worse or bad in this post, what I know is that we’re not in the same city, and we’re not journalists anymore. And o boy, I don’t know what bumped me in the head, but I miss those days when I was still a full time journalist (I’m still a freelance one, btw), when most of my friends also were, not just the two of them.

I miss gathering news, hunting pictures, traveling, and interviewing smart-interesting people. I miss those days when readers send me emails to give compliments or ask me anything related with my writings. Even as a writer in Seringai fanzine, High Octane, when their fans asked me about their schedule or simply told me that they like what they read on last issue. I miss people ask me almost about anything because they think I always had the answer, simply because I’m a journalist. I even miss my long tousled hair in that picture! I miss the day after deadline when we drank coffee in the morning and gossiping or shared everything that recently happened in our life, and then off to the office at 2PM. Yes! 2PM!

I miss talking about latest news and discussing with my boss about my questions for interview session I’ll have in the next day. I miss sharing facts and gossips about informants, about funny and silly things that happened during photo session or press conference. I miss free delicious meal and cute stuffs inside goodie bag. I miss free trip to other part of this country or Singapore, although I don’t love that country. I miss reviewing restaurants and interviewing chef about food when I was working in lifestyle magazine. I miss my boss raised his voice tone to remind me that I must gave him four more pages for upcoming issue immediately. I miss how my weight stuck in 43 kilos (no diet or exercise) because as a journalist I always moving and doing things and kept busy.

Hell no, I don’t miss the deadline. I don’t miss leaving office at 5AM and then have to be at the airport at 7 to take flight to other city/country and can't get some rest before I finish writing the freshest news I can get on that day.

To be honest, I’m not sure why I miss those things suddenly. Is it the job or the fact that I was younger when I had that job? Because maybe, just maybe, I simply miss my youth when I don’t have to face the fact that three years from now, I will be 30. Damn.

Page 159: Dudeeee....

/ /

Why you have to make that picture as your avatar? (Something that looks like) white plain shirt? Dense stubble?

Good God, come on! I don’t want to fancy this guy. 


Page 158: Art Nowadays. From a Commoner Like Me.

/ /
Not so long time ago, I had a conversation with my friend about how creative industries in Jakarta been growing fast these couple of years as well as urban art scene. Along with its growth, some names also appear in the Emerging Artist list. We were also discussing about those people on the list. We agreed that some of them are making marvelous artworks, but some of them also overrated; they are not that good, or you can find other artist who can create better artworks with better technique and deeper meanings.

No, both of us are not curator, experts, or even working in art field. Yes, we went to art exhibitions sometimes. And sometimes, during our visits we found ourselves “lost” in some artworks from artists whom took part in those exhibitions. “Lost”, meaning we didn’t understand or think or feel that it’s good/superb/magnificent/great/wonderful/make-us-want-to-shed-happy-tears when we saw it.

Good in my perception is if I can see that the artwork can delivered the artist’s purpose, get the message beneath, or make me feel some kind of strong emotion all of a sudden when I see it. At least make me think, “Gosh, this is great. I will never have the ability to make this kind of painting, not even if I know the technique needed to produce it” when I see it because it’s so…awesome in details.

Not good in my perception is when I went to some exhibitions and I wasn’t impressed nor get the message, even after I read the description which curator made for like 10 times or more. Once again, I’m going to emphasize that I’m not an expert in art, but I have watched/read pretty lot documentations of what society claimed as good arts. Thus I think, even as a commoner, my level of understanding aesthetic matters. *insert smug emoticon here* :p

Besides, when you hold an exhibition, it means that you want public – including commoners – to acknowledge your art, right? Not to be an arrogant and judge them as a person who “don’t-have-good-sense-of-art-hence-I-will-definitely-think-you-are-lame-and-don’t-understand-that-my-works-are-actually-representing-avant-garde” right?

I remember what other friend told me about urban art scenes in Jakarta: that sometimes what makes a person can run or participate in an exhibition is connection. I have a friend, a talented graphic designer who has participated in international exhibition but he rarely showing his works to Jakarta crowd because once he told me that the issue of connection and mingle-ing bugged him a little. He has been avoiding that kind of stereotype, that if people find his artwork in some “hip” exhibitions, they can easily judge him as designer who used the connection. It’s not forbidden actually, but when it becomes more important than the artist’s talent, then we have a problem.

Other sub-topic in our conversation that night including a person that thinks that to be artsy are much much cooler than commoner, so he/she only wants to be friend with artsy people. Artsy in this kind of people perspective: artist, designer, people who often go to gallery to attend exhibition, talk about art, know who Warhol or Basquiat or Dali (but who doesn’t?), and dressed edgy. I’ve met a person like this. She’s a friend of a friend, who obviously dislike me (I am such an insensitive person, but I can tell you that this woman dislike me.) You have to see it with your own eyes how she kept showing people that she couldn’t remember my name and always ditch me every time she got the chance on every conversation. Haha. I am not sure what caused this or have I done something bad to her but I didn’t realize it, but my friend said that the reason why she acted like that was because probably in her perspective, I’m no one in art scene. I am not important enough to be her friend. Wow! That’s interesting :D.

It is interesting, also hilarious; this whole artsy thing and how it has influenced some people to behave, how the system of connection and mingle-ing (is this even a word? :p) matters more than talent, how they exaggerate things to prove that they are great enough as artists and sometimes makes they forgot the pleasure of following their passions instead of just looking for popularity. Nevertheless, what do I know? I’m not an artist :p

Cheeerssss!!!
:)

now that's a superb artwork! it has marvelous details! you should see it by yourself. 

Page 157: If I Had Kids

/ Sunday, August 12, 2012 /
...i would definitely tell them this...

image courtesy: here

Page 156: Do you like to read books?

/ Friday, August 10, 2012 /
Do you like to read books? If you nod, what kind of books do you read: fiction, fairytale, satirical, non-fiction, social studies, biography, science fiction? Would you mind to tell me about your favorite authors? Why do you like their works? What books that changed your life?

Tell me. Tell me the truth. Even if you don’t like reading, just blurt it out. Please do not lie to me, I repeat, DO NOT lie to me because I easily get irritated by people who pretend they know and like something just because they want to impress others. I won’t hate or despise you and think that you are shallow minded person just because you don’t read. Well, maybe a bit. If you don’t know who the hell are Tolkien, Tolstoy, Sartre, or Chekhov or Gaiman but you adore Meyer who wrote crappy stuff called Twilight, I might laugh at you. And I definitely will laugh harder if I know that you actually just pretend that you really like reading. It’s condescending.

I didn't post this because I want to act like a snob bitch, but because I know that not everyone would enjoy reading. It takes time, patience, and not kind of hobbies that will grow instantly. People who read have this fondness with words, stories, imagination, ideas, even the smell of the papers.

So yeah, I could tell that you are lying if I could not find a book in your room, or never caught you while you are paying full attention reading that bundle of joy. Or when you said that Neverwhere by Gaiman seems like a nice book and you want to borrow it from me although you never heard who he is or even read the summary that written on its back cover, just to impress some guy who think people who read books is cool *it is a good book, though. Of course. It’s Gaiman’s*

The conclusion: do not fake it, honey.

image courtesy:  here





Page 155: R for Random

/ Sunday, August 5, 2012 /
Random pile of shit that stuck in my head lately:

/1/
This country and bule.
Several things have changed in my office for these past few weeks. Let’s call it “reformation” (it sounds like political thingy, but I hope you know what I mean). My team and I have new space and new people to work with. Some of them are bule – word used by Indonesian to call foreigner, mostly Caucasian. Once, I had to accompany my bule colleague to check on an apartment at Kalibata City. It was night and the landlord who also my friend was late so we had to wait for two hours. This guy and I talked about books, music, movies, etc. Nothing was weird until I sensed a bunch of middle-aged men who were sitting nearby giggling, whispering, and sometimes glanced over at us. I heard one of them said unpleasant and nasty speculation about me and my friend, that we were some kind of “kawin kontrak” couple. “Kawin kontrak” is a term used to describe a marriage between a foreigner man and Indonesian woman under an agreement and period of time. It’s more like a hidden prostitution actually, since the ceremony doesn’t registered in KUA (Ministry of Religious Affairs) and the main reason is that the man need sexual partner. The man will pay the woman’s family and pimp. Back to my story, I guess my friend did not realize that and I had no intention to tell him either. I tried to ignore that bunch of shallow minded men because it was harmless for us at that time. (Although I wanted to yell at them, “you said that because you don’t understand English right? If you understand it, you would have known that we were talking about movies and books, you pervert!” )

That stereotype of “bule is sexually active, thus anyone who hang out with them also potentially has role as their sexual partner”, is so common until most Indonesian could easily judge them. I take it as weird and racist thing, because you don’t have to be bule to do premarital sex. I have Indonesian friends who have sex regularly with their girlfriend or boyfriend. Another weird thing is because actually, most Indonesian also has this admiration for bule, this some sort of tendency to see bule is much smarter, prettier, and even greater than Indonesian. I agree with my roommate that, “maybe it's because we were colonized by the Dutch for more than 350 years. Or maybe it's because we've seen too many Hollywood movies, bombarded by too many "western" media, and consumed too many of "western" culture.”

I mean, you can find ugly bule just like you can find ugly Indonesian. On the other hand, you can also find handsome Indonesian guy the same way you can easily find handsome bule.

That's Michael Fassbender. He's a handsome bule. And with those stubbles, maan, he's hot.
*yea i have a thing for guy with stubble :p

They are just people, flesh and blood, they eat, they poop, they fart, they laugh, do stupid things. In short, they are human, just like you and me. So chillax. Grab a glass of cold chocolate milk and go watch Big Bang Theory.

/2/
The question of how do animals poop while they hibernate.
Do they just stop poop-ing? Or they poop a lot before they fell asleep? I have found a link that explains about it but I still search for the right answer.

/3/
I don’t understand people that share (or tweet) their sexual life so often.
I really don’t. For me, you have to keep your sexual life private, because for Yorke’s sake, you do that with your private parts; therefore, you have to keep it private. Once or twice is okay, more than that, it makes me uncomfortable. I’m 27, I know what people do when they “get busy”. I don’t have the need to know what or whose “tool” that stick up on your ass, what is your favorite style on bed, or what songs that have been played during that section. You are not a porn star, don’t bother to share it with me, unless I ask. Please.

/4/
The question of why I don’t want to watch any Roman Polanski’s movie.
Especially after I answered, “He’s a rapist and pedophile.” Yet you still need better explanation than that? Oh, and that’s why I was disappointed to know that Johnny Depp defended Polanski for that matter. :|

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