a scratch, a little reminder

Maka dengarkanlah ini sebentar; bila kau punya mimpi maka kejarlah. Sampai jatuh, sampai memar sikutmu, sampai biru dengkulmu, sampai lebam kepalamu, sampai mampus.

- from "catatan kehidupan nomor tiga puluh delapan", Galuh Sitompul

Listen to me for a minute; if you have a dream, pursue it. Until you fall, until your elbows got bruised, until your knees got rashes or turn into blue, until your head livid, until you die.

Page 176: Current Addiction (part 10)

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

- After The Storm, Mumford and Sons -

hmm... we'll see, guys...

Page 175: That Question

Lately, I feel like I’m at this phase when I’m questioning about choices I’ve made in my life. *tsah :p

No, seriously, I am. One of the questions is why I’m still wearing hijab. Maybe it’s because two people asked me about it. And well guess what, I don’t think I gave them a good answer. Haha. Yes, I’ve explained them about my view that hijab is like a reminder for me to not cross some boundaries. To remind me that I’m a moslem and I should’ve been done things that I did, or I shouldn’t do things that my religion forbids me to. But after that, I asked myself, is that reason good enough? Is that the real reason?

I’m aware that I’m not a (very) good moslem. God knows I’m not. I’ve done things that people might consider as sins, and I’m not proud of that. Sometimes I still am doing those things. Well it’s not really bad things like killing or stealing or anything against the law, but still, if you do these things, probably no one will consider you as a pious moslem. So why I keep wearing hijab anyway? Commitment? Habit? I don’t know.

Even the real reason I’m wearing it at first was not inspiring. No such thing called religious enlightenment. To be honest, I’m too embarrassed to write it down. Haha.

Does it mean that my faith is decreasing?
Tsk.

But as my mom used to say, “the most important thing is that you’re living life as a good person.”
Yeah, "be good". I think that's the least that I can do for now.

Page 174: Simply Romantic

"Sartre and de Beauvoir always read one another's work. Debates rage on about the extent to which they influenced each other in their existentialist works, such as Sartre's Being and Nothingness and de Beauvoir's She Came to Stay."

-wikipedia-

image courtesy: here

I think it's simply romantic :)

Page 173: Neutralize

Do you know the easiest and quickest way to neutralize your feelings towards someone so you don’t have to feel anxious when that person is around, or talk to you?

Please tell me. I kinda need it as soon as possible.

I need to stop this madness, this crazy imagination inside my head, this butterfly or other bugs that crawling inside my stomach. Not just to deny it.

I need it.

Immediately.

And here I go losing my control 

I'm practicing your name 

So I can say it to your face 

It doesn't seem right to look you in the eye 

Let all the things you mean to me come tumbling out my mouth 

Indeed it's time tell you why I say it's infinitely true 

Say you'll stay don't come and go like you do 

Sway my way yeah I need to know all about you 

And there's no cure no way to be sure 

Where everything's turned inside out 

But still in so much doubt 

It makes me so tired I feel so uninspired 

My head is battling with my heart 

My logic has been torn apart 

And now it's all so sour 

Cause sweets in every afternoon

Sway, Bic Runga

Page 172: Transgender

I still remember that day clearly. She was looking at me, put a bitter smile and said, “I envy you. Well, basically I envy everyone that born without the needs to change their sex.” And she laughed. I didn’t. I smiled, though. A smile; the easiest form of sympathy for her, a transgender I've interviewed when I was still a college student. She told me her story, her thoughts, and her efforts to fit in the society. It was heart breaking. Devastating.

It’s devastating... 

...when you think you are trapped in a wrong body.
...when people call you names.
...when your closest circle, your beloved ones, force you to become somebody else but you. 

...when people look at you with disgust when you are walking in front of them.
...to know that people could judge you easily and shuts your chance to prove that you’re so much more than flesh and blood. That you’re actually smart, kind, and capable of so many things.
...to wonder whether someday you will be able to find someone who could love you for your soul or not.
...to grow up with this particular thoughts or verdict, that jobs which available for you are menial ones…and degrading.
...how this so-called ‘normal’ society, won’t leave you alone in peace just because you’ve decided to change your physical appearance, your private parts, because you want to make yourself feel complete.

Can you blame them if they became full of hate and suspicious? 

Treat them nice, please...

You never know it 

My peace of mind 

My inside and outside are matching

- Elephant Woman, Blonde Redhead-

This is Calpernia Addams, a spokesperson and activist for transgender rights and issues.
She's cool.

Page 171: Fuck You! I'm Fabulous!

Let me clarify a few things here, mister.

Maybe I am difficult.
Maybe I am questioning too much of things that stuck in my head after I read articles or books, or watched movies.
Maybe I am that kind of woman, who doesn’t need a man to become my “imam” that always walks in front of me, guides me, asks me to obey him all the time.
Maybe I am insensitive and cold.
Maybe I am weird.

However,

My difficulties became a problem for you because you weren't wise enough to see that it’s actually not a crime. It never was. You never want to learn more, that’s why you easily said that I’m difficult.

I’m questioning too much because that’s just the way I am. Again, it’s not a crime. And it’s not a competition. It never was. It’s just the way I communicate with other human beings. I had never tried to make you feel that I'm smarter than you are, or much superior. I’m okay with critics; go ask my friends and colleagues. People make mistakes. Critics could fix that.

I don’t need “imam” that always walks in front of me, because if he walks in front of me, he wouldn’t notice if something bad happen to me, because I’m walking behind him. I need a man who is not afraid to walk beside me, to discuss which path we should take.

I am insensitive, but it doesn’t mean that I'm careless. Until now, no one ever told me that I’m a bad person. I have lovely friends. I care about them. I love them. Vice versa.

I'm weird. But in a good way. Probably, i'm extraordinary *tsah :p.

I don’t want to complicate things anymore. You have your own perspective about life, about whom you should choose to become your lover, etc etc. And that’s fine. I can deal with it.

Truce.

But I still need to write this down…

FUCK YOU! I’M FABULOUS! 

:)

Page 170: I know I'm not...

...fine.

If someone asks, "how are you?", i would probably answer, "physically? or mentally?" and then "physically good, mentally, the otherwise". Hahaha. I know it's not funny.

But...
I can pretend that i'm fine enough. That i'm as happy as clown can be. I can put a big smile like cheshire cat and laugh for silly things around me. I can. I really can.

It's on my survival kit kinda thing, recently. It soothes me in a bizarre way. It really is. And probably you won't get it. Yes, you, visitor(s) of this blog. How many of you who really read this shit? One? Two? None?

This is rubbish. I know.

"Happy is easy. You act happy, others see you as happy, you see yourself through their eyes, and you feel happy."
- Elaine, Ally McBeal -

Very Petite Footnote

Reading, writing, making mixtapes for friends, working, designing, playing monopoly, eating, munching, eating again, writing again, drawing, walking, running (from reality *hanyah), listening, folding papers, writing, mumbling, watching movies, writing, laughing.

Anything.
Anything.
I need distractions.
I need them.
Anything.

i don't know why i put this picture. heck!

"These thoughts of you will die"
- Fleet Foxes -

Page 169: Stupid Condescension

After all these years, I hate the way you can always find a way to hurt me and make me questioning the qualities in me. How you can slowly convinced me that I had an elusive wall that made you thought that I’m that kind of person which hard to be with; fun and attractive at first but going deeper, I’m just a weirdo. I’m too weird for you. Yes, I still remember you called me that. That’s why you said that I should find another man with the same ‘quality’ and it’s definitely not in you. “You’re smart, but too weird”. Was it a compliment or a mock? Until now, I could not decide.

Is that why you chose her instead of me, the one whom you called ‘liar’ and ‘drama queen’ when you ran to me those nights? You've told me you would never want her back, but a friend just told me that you’re dating her again. This is confusing. Am I that difficult? Am I really one level under her?

No, man, I don’t want you anymore. I’m quite sure of that. And I know, yes I know that this is not a race, but maybe, I just hate the fact that you already have somebody while I have none. I hate the fact that your reason of why you didn't want me appeared, stuck in my brain and affected my self-esteem.

I know Nietzche said, “what doesn't kill you makes you stronger”, but still…gosh, I hate this stupid condescension. I know this is stupid. This is rubbish. Anyone who read this would probably says, “poor you, stupid self-pitying beyotch”. But you know what, one of my favorite musician said that “something will never wash away”. Maybe it’s true. Damn!

man, what a mustache 

Page 168: That Last Scene

That last scene.
That very last scene.
When they took a shower together.
You can really see that a thing called passion, gone.
Probably also that creature called love...

Like Crazy is not a movie with memorable quote or dramatic scenes. It's just a simple story about a couple that struggling with their problems on facing long distant relationship. Not really my cup of tea coffee. But you can see their chemistry and emotions. Good job Jones and Yelchin!

Petite Footnote

Shoooot! I missed the 66666 visitors! I really want to capture it, actually. Ok, now go back to google to find the reason/ history of why the word "vagina" is more taboo to be used rather than "penis".

Page 167: I Should Read More Books

Seriously, I should. In fact, let’s change the word “should” with “must”. Last night I talked with my roommate about book that we are currently read (this is probably the reason why we haven’t found prospective new boyfriend after years *yes, enough with someone from the past please*, because instead of going to some hip places and mingle wiggle, we’re busy discussing books or interesting article we found on internet. Hahah!) and man, there are so many GOOD books out there! We agreed that because we are getting older and now we have job, we are getting slower on finishing a book, compare to the time when we were in college. I finished each book from the marvelous His Dark Materials Trilogy like 3 days. It has more than 300 pages and although it’s a fiction book, Philip Pullman’s thoughts about religion, social hierarchy and atheism weren’t that easy to swallow. Now? I would be so proud of myself if I finished a book in two or three weeks.

So this is the list because I already own it or have access to read it:

1984 – George Orwell
I know…I know… You can call me lame or whatever. At least I’ve read the other masterpiece from Orwell, Animal Farm. Don’t worry, I will read this book. Because my roommate said before “Brave New World”, I should read this one first. I think last month, my coworker also gave me the ebook version, so yeah maybe it’s a sign :p.

Brave New World (Aldous Huxley) and The Sirens of Titan (Kurt Vonnegut)
I love whimsical stories, and I trust my roommate completely when she recommends books to read. She said these two books are mind-blowing. And guess what, I just realized that my coworker already gave me the ebook version of Brave New World. Ha! This means homework.

The Whisperer – John Connolly

Wuthering Heights – Emily Jane Bronte
Because lately people around me talk or mention this book, or gave me some quotes from it. Curious.

God is Dead – Steve Bruce
As far as I can remember, this non-fiction book has been on my bookshelf since years ago, probably 2010. Argh.

Something from Lacan, More Chomsky, More Sartre, and Beauvoir.

Oh, i currently reading this book, by the way. It's gooood. Besides great retold fairy tales, I love the way every writers that made contribution put their insight for the stories they wrote.

Ok now back to work :|

Page 166: Yes...Yes... L.I.S.T.E.N

"LISTEN: Women's bodies, even ones into which you get to stick your penis, are not yours. Women have the right to be gross, to have hair, to be slow, to put on make-up, to not put on make-up, to wear fake eyelashes, to smell good or bad, and to be human beings. Women are not your dog our your lawn or your living room, you do not get to prune and groom and design us, and negotiating things like hygiene and style within a relationship is a matter of mutual respect. My right to do my own nails does not stop where your personal boner for trimmed cuticles begins.

Also, women: If you are single, it is not because your fake eyelashes are too bushy or Kevin doesn't like cucumber lotion. This shit is an oppressive waste of your time. Here's my new beauty tip for everyone on earth: Go read a book or something."

- Lindy West, Jezebel. Full article: here -

Page 165: As Simple As That #2

The truth is, I’m a bit tired when people told me to be more sensitive or observing someone’s feelings towards me. Like seriously, because I’m bad at it. Ha-ha-ha. I’m a lousy emotion reader (if you haven’t heard about this term, I invented it. Maybe :p)

No, I can’t tell if a guy has a crush on me just because sometimes he gazes into my eyes, or buy me blueberry cheesecake every single week, or the way he talks to me, etc. And after what I've been through, I don’t want to make another assumption of this and that. I’m not professor X who can read mind. It is fucking pointless. I repeat, fucking pointless.

If that guy is an adult, and he likes me, he would ask me out. It doesn't have to be a fancy date, just a simple casual date, just the two of us.
...Or he can kiss me without ask for my permission first. *what? It's just a kiss. I won't get pregnant or something.

Yes, my dear friend, i won't analyze just because you've told me that you thought this guy is into me. Maybe he's just being nice.

As simple as that.

“And I don't want a piece of mystery 

No I don't want to read your thoughts anymore”

Heinrich Maneuver, 

Yeah it's Interpol

Page 164: Narc

I've been listening to Interpol again lately, their first two albums. And I know it’s kinda lame, but I just realized that “Narc” in “Antics” has really seductive and sexy lyrics, but still classy. *where have you beeeeen?

We slips into the bedroom 

Babe, you know me, this is alright. 

Holding we'll make soon 

Will sustain us through the night 

Inside my bedroom baby 

Touch me, oh tonight 

Poses, we'll make some 

Will reveal our sense of right 

Can you imagine if a cute guy sings this song for you, dedicated this song to you? Can you feel the heat in the air all of a sudden and want to find a room immediately? Man, this song leads me to such dirty thoughts. Hahaha.