"
Breathe, keep breathing. Don't lose your nerve" -
Radiohead



Page 224: Sometimes (Part 22)

/ Tuesday, April 30, 2013 /

A seven YO kid murdered a six YO. It’s not an accident. You don’t even have to know the motive to say that it’s insane. 
Sometimes I’m afraid that someday, I won’t be able to put hopes in humanity anymore.

Page 223: That Night, When He Wasn’t There

/ /
A big smile, rants, and jokes. I could smell the scent of alcohol on his breath while he gently tapped my head several times before he hugged me. I looked at him closely that night, tried to analyze why many girls adore him, while I just like him as a close friend, like a brother. It feels weird sometimes…not to be able to find him attractive (well he’s pretty cute, he’s nice, he’s smart, but nothing like…”oh lord, I wanna hump him!”). I have never even imagined doing dirty things with him. “Eww. That would feel like incest” is what usually come out from my mouth when someone asks whether I’ve ever wanted to give a shot with this guy or not.

The other guy hugged me tightly. Told me that I’m smart right after I gave my opinion about “art nowadays”, “human emotions”, and “urban culture”. A friend once told me that she thinks that he has a crush on me. I laughed. And to be honest, didn’t give a shit. It’s not because I think that he irritates me in some kind of way if he has a crush on me. (If he really does, I would be flattered.) But it’s because I like him as a friend, and friend only. And his feelings towards me is his business. Not mine.

My mind wandered, questions appeared in my head. Stupid questions about a guy that wasn’t there. Things like… Does he think I’m smart? Does he think I’m funny? Has he ever wanted to hug me like that? Does he find me attractive? His friends like me, they often praise me and give me compliments, does it make him think that we may have chances?

Then I realized I probably had overvalued myself. That I did think that I’m smart enough, wise enough, fun enough, funny enough, good taste in music-movie-books, kind enough, sweet enough. Good enough. Just enough. Enough to make him interested in me.

Maybe it’s actually one of my shields when I feel that I’m not good enough to be with someone. Just to prevent myself from self-blame for my inability to make that someone likes me back.

I remembered what my friend told me when she read my tarot cards. My fear and hope card said that deep down inside I just want to be happy. But who doesn’t want that? Years ago, I reached a conclusion that happiness and sadness share the same throne in your mind, in your soul, in your heart. Just like love, is about moment. One of them won’t rule forever.

And that night, when that guy wasn’t there with me, I remembered those moments when I was happy enough just because of small attentions from him. Because of the way he laughs. Or because I saw his fingers moved when he calculated something. Or because the memory of one night when we sat on the same couch, not talking to each other, he was doing something and I was sketching. Because of those probably-meaningless-aimless interactions that we had.

Funny. How I thought that I should give a shot. And I did. And I think I knew the result anyway. But as Paul the alien said, “sometimes, you just gotta roll the dice.” 
That night, I know that it's time to stop, because you can't be with a guy who doesn't wanna be with you, right?

That night, I’ve decided not to pursue him anymore.
That night, I know I wasn’t fine, but I will be.


Page 222: Rectify What Remains

/ Wednesday, April 24, 2013 /


You gotta watch out for yourself
So will I

Page 221: Flirting is Not My Thing. (Oooh... Shocker!)

/ Monday, April 15, 2013 /
Let’s get straight to the point. According to my observation, there are three types of people when it comes to flirting:
1. People who “blessed” with that ability to flirt with anyone, it doesn’t have to be with a person whom they like. As easy as 1, 2, 3.
2. People who can flirt to person they like, not every time, but frequently they can keep up with the game. They can handle their anxiety, they can manage to prevail, blablabla, in short, they finally can make a move.
3. People who get too nervous when someone they like is around and makes them…well, look like idiots or like cold-hearted bitches. They usually DON’T flirt back, don’t make a move, or even when they finally came up with something nice to say, it’s waaaaay toooo lateeee.

I’m one of those #3 people. I’m an idiot, an idiot that looks like a cold hearted bitch. I usually get nervous when I have a crush on a guy, and when he talks to me, I will automatically come up with something short, cold, straight answers that seem to prevent almost all possibilities for us to talk longer than 10 minutes.

The thing is, I don’t know why I usually do that kind of thing. If I like a guy and he’s interested in me and he has no patience, he would think that I might hate him. Haha. I’m pretty sure of that.

Men I dated usually have more patience, or curiosity, so I think it made them kept trying until I felt comfortable and…be myself: Adorable and amazing. Haha. Kidding. I mean I’m not that quiet, I can make people laugh and talk about interesting things.

I can give you some examples of my imbecility when I have a crush on a guy:

That guy: Can I hold your hand?
Possible answers:
a. Sure, you can hold other parts of my body if you want to.
b. O baby, you have all blessings to do that. As long as you want to.
c. Why not, you’ve already captivated my heart (corny! But hey, that’s the point of flirting right? You have to have that courage to say it).
Me:
Yeah.

That guy: I like your choice of music. I’ve been listening when blablabla
Possible answers:
a. Really? Just my music? *follow by seductive smile (P.S I actually don’t know how to do a great seductive smile either. Haha)
b. Which one? Do you want to get a copy? I can also give you some reference. We can do it (emphasizing on “do it”) in your place. Just you and me.
Me:
Oh, thanks.

That guy: Are you seeing someone?
Possible answers:
a. I’m seeing you now. (look straight into his eyes)
b. It depends, if you want to be that someone, I can easily remove the other someone I have right now.
c. No. Do you want to be that someone?
Me:
No.

That guy: What’s your type?
Possible answers:
a. *Describe him. So he will get the clue*
b. I’m staring at him right now *staring at him with flirtatious smile*
Me:
Well. Funny guy.

For your information, those examples REALLY happened. Pathetic, huh?

Cue laugh.
Banging my head on the wall.
Mixing vodka with shampoo.
Singing Skinny Love by Bon Iver.
Imagining naked Kit Harington in front of me.
But then he transforms into a giant purple orc.
Zzzzzzz.


And that’s a picture of me and my beloved friend Abbey when we’re not actually trying to look silly. (I looove this picture by the way.) We are facing the same situation now: guys whom we like seem to like other girls. Haha. But she can flirt better than me, definitely. :p
and that's Kit Harington! fo sho!

Page 220 : Sometimes... Part 21

/ Thursday, April 11, 2013 /
Sometimes,
when things feel like unbearable (lightness of being, #nope :p ), I imagine that I can hear God laughs at me, and I’ll be like, “really?!”.



But I always know that it won’t be too long before I start to laugh along, I don’t know why, still I haven’t found the funny part. Maybe later.

Maybe.


In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah, it's gone

Page 219: This Country, Education, and Distrust

/ Tuesday, April 9, 2013 /
Yesterday I heard news on the radio that government is considering the idea to design 20 different types of questions for each student in a class for a national test, to prevent students from cheating during the test.

Questions:
Does that sound a bit pathetic?
Do they have to be that suspicious with the students?
Are we on that verge of distrust in education system in this country, of how we have educated students to be honest and confident enough to rely on their own abilities to answer questions?

No, I’m not saying that I have always been an honor student during school that never cheated. I did. Not often, but I did. And I didn't proud of it.

I just think that 20 different types are too much and not-a-healthy-instant solution.

Page 218: Disposable

/ /

It should be disposable.
That unrequited feeling. That illusion.
When everything is so obvious, what keeps us on put lotsa hopes?
It should be disposable.
Quick and easy.

Where’s the trash bin? 



"Illusion never changed into something real"

Page 217: This Tale Never Bores Me

/ Wednesday, April 3, 2013 /

And I love you, Roscuro, for your grudge, for your bad luck. For your heart.



Page 216: The Beach and Whitley

/ /

Last Sunday, I missed the beach and fell in love with Whitley. Well actually, I had his albums three years ago, listened to it for a while, and just that. But recently, I listen to his songs over and over, especially those from the album “Go Forth Find Mammoth”, well besides Let’s Get Lost by Beck and BatFor Lashes.

So i made...whatever these are...haha, but these are my little tributes for Whitley and the beach.

click and listen!

click and listen!


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