Page 289: Rolling in the Muck is Not the Best Way of Getting Clean

In the room filled with things labeled as memento, it’s impossible not to remember moments. It’s inevitable not to reviewing what you've been through to be in the place you’re at right now. No matter how distorted memories can be – because feelings sometimes unwind the facts and turn it into something that are more edible for your heart – you can still get the glimpse of what have happened.

And it affects you, sometimes, in the oddest way that you could imagine. Although you have moved on, memories of strong emotion like sadness or guilt – especially guilt, sometimes revolt. When you've made mistakes, there are certain things that can’t be fixed and somehow, you’re responsible – although not fully – for things you achieved. But what else can you do except trying to grab the lesson for your own goodness?

As Aldous Huxley wrote in the prelude of Brave New Word,

Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.

No, it’s not.
Note to self: it's not.

Page 288: Film London Microschool

I normally don't post work stuff on my blog, but this is a good program so i thought, "hey, why not?"

So..i've been working on this programme since a few months ago. This programme, Film London Microschool is a collaborative project between British Council Indonesia and Film London. The ambition for Microschool is to stimulate entrepreneurial filmmaking, and to support film-makers to develop a clear vision of the audience and market for their films. The British Council is commited to contributing to the exchange of expertise and best practice between Indonesia and UK. Film London’s Microschool responds to discussions with key professionals in the Indonesian film sectors to further support the continuous growth of the Indonesian film productions.

So this is some kind of scholarship, people!

So check your eligibility and how to apply, here.

Pardon me for putting to many "So"s.

Spread the word! :D

Page 287: Simple DIY Project This Weekend: Create Your Own Cutting Sticker

As I mentioned in the other post, the best thing of decorating stuff with masking/ washi tape is that it’s repositionable and removable for when you get tired of it. Yesterday, after exhausting week meeting people for work and some freelance project, I decided to spend my afternoon in my room playing with masking tape and create my own cutting sticker for my box. I wasn’t feeling very well too that afternoon, so it’s a good time to recharge myself.

1. Things you need:

A. Tape

B. Tracing/ Parchment Paper

C. Scissors

D. Pen

2. Draw an image on the tracing paper. I drew a deer head shape. You can also search an image on internet, print it out, and place it down on a piece of tracing/ parchment paper. If there is a side of the paper you prefer to use for creating washi tape appliqués, you want the image to be taped onto that side.

3-4. Cover the side of the paper with strips of overlapping tape. Start from the point where you will peel once the sticker is ready to be used.

5. Take scissors, carefully cut around the traced outline of the image.

6. Carefully peel the image off of the paper backing and stick to the surface of the desired thing.

And done! :)

Page 286: Loner

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude.
It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

- Jodi Picoult, My Sister Keeper

Hmm..

Page 285: Simple DIY project this weekend: Recycled Bottle Spoon/Fork Holder

Moving to a smaller place is not as easy as moving to a bigger one. No, seriously, I’ve experienced it a few months ago. I had to remove some things or brought them to my parents’ home, like a few mugs and utensils, so my room, the bathroom and that tiny-supposed-to-be-multifunction room won’t look like a Shelob’s nest (if you’ve seen/read Lord of the Ring, you know what I mean).

I put my small dish rack and a few plates in the shared kitchen (on the 1st floor of the building I live in), but keep my cutlery in my room, because it’s easier if I want to eat in my room (which, FYI, is on the 4th floor).

I used to keep my spoon and fork in a box where I also keep my CDs and DVDs. Yep, I didn’t have a spoon/fork holder and kept forgetting to buy it. But one day, I bought a bottle of juice and decided to keep the bottle. I soaked it in a hot water for 10 minutes to remove the label and glue, washed it, and put a silver string around its neck. Voila! I have a spoon/fork holder now.

You can also use it as a vase or..go to pinterest for some enlightenment. Haha.


Cheers!

Page 284: Crime (,Insanity) and Punishment

Sometimes insanity and reality are inseparable.

From Jakarta Globe:

Antara reported that the couple, whom police have identified as identified as M.D. and D., told the police that they killed for sexual gratification.
Bengkalis Police chief Adj. Sr. Comr. Andry Wibowo was quoted by Indonesian news portal Detik.com that the couple would search for a victim before they had sex. They would lure the victim with a promise of money, he said.
“The suspects admitted that they killed by strangling the victim until the victim died. Afterward they cut off the victim’s genitals,” Andry said. “After killing and mutilating the victim, they had sexual intercourse.”

I watched news today about this mutilation case, and somehow I agree with forensic psychologist Reza Indragiri that:

1. We should see and treat these perpetrators as people with no mental disorders first.
Because if law enforcement presumes that these people are crazy – although, yes, no “normal” people are capable of doing that kind of horrible thing – they can use it to justify their act and we will be like, “well, what can we do? They’re crazy”. The point is that these people raped, killed, and mutilated their victims. We have to punish them. I’m not saying that all people with mental illness will definitely hurt others. That’s a fallacy, obviously. But when they have committed crimes, when we’ve finally proved that they’re the culprits, they have to pay for it. Some people don't deserve a second chance.

2. Sexual assaults laws in Indonesia are weak and we need to change that. For example, the standard sentence for violation of Indonesia's child protection act (UU No 23 tahun 2002 Perlindungan anak) is 3 to 15 years. And for rape, maximum of seven years' criminal imprisonment for perpetrators (can we please just castrate these bad people?).

O boy, no wonder The Sydney Morning Herald once published an article calling Indonesia “A Paradise for Pedophiles”. Somehow it’s eerily true.

Page 283: Current Addiction (Part 16)

"Blue heart and hands and aptitude"

Page 282: Lovely Nest, Lovely People

Her positive attitude soothes me, most of the time. She’s a dreamer, but also a doer – I love the way she uses “dream out loud” as her “tagline”. She’s a good listener – that kind of person who can make you feel comfortable to tell your problems without a fear of being judged and when she gives you an advice, it really makes sense and gives you the energy to overcome the difficult situations.

Her name is Nike. I met this lovely woman through a friend a few years ago, well, got her phone number to be exact, because I had to interview her to write an article. We met, and then started to read one another’s blog..found out that we have things in common, share the same interests, from books to music. Long story short, we became friends.

Last week, I came to her home in Bintaro, spent my Saturday with her and her adorable daughter, Kira. It was a blissful weekend for me, although we didn't have a picnic in the park like our first plan because it was raining.

(that's her and her daughter Kira, the right one was taken in Singapore, not Bintaro, haha) 

I liked the way she and her husband arranged things in their nest. Movie posters, books, artworks, furniture, etc. I wish I had better phone with better camera to show you what I meant, haha. But you can check her instagram and livingloving if you’re that curious. I think she posted pictures of her home and its decor on her instagram and that lovely website.

Sometimes, it doesn't take much to make me happy.

So how was your weekend?

photo courtesy of me except the first three, courtesy of Nike Prima Dewi

Page 281: Shibu[m]i

Shibui*/ shibumi: a concept of inner meaning rather than superficial adornment, of simplicity, tranquility, subtle and unobtrusive beauty.

In art, shibui objects appear to be simple overall but they include subtle details, such as textures, that balance simplicity with complexity. This balance of simplicity and complexity ensures that one does not tire of a shibui object but constantly finds new meanings and enriched beauty that cause its aesthetic value to grow over the years.

Shibui objects are not necessarily imperfect or asymmetrical, though they can include these qualities. Shibui colors range from pastels to dark. Occasionally, a patch of brighter color is added as a highlight.

The seven elements of Shibui are simplicity, implicity, modesty, silence, naturalness, everydayness, and imperfection.The aristocratic simplicity of shibui is the refined expression of the essence of elements in an aesthetic experience producing quietude. Spare elegance is evident in darkling serenity with a hint of sparkle. Implicity allows depth of feeling to be visible through a spare surface design thereby manifesting the invisible core that offers new meanings with each encounter. The person of shibui modesty exalts excellence via a thoroughness of taking time to learn, watch, read, understand, develop, think, and merges into understatement and silence concerning oneself. Shibui's sanctuary of silence, non-dualism--the resolution of opposites, is intuition coupled with beauty and faith as foundations for phases of truth revealing the worship and reverence for life. Naturalness conveys spontaneity in growth, unforced. The healthy roughness of texture and irregular asymmetrical form maintain shibui freedom wherein the center lies beyond all particular things in infinity. Everydayness raises ordinary things to a place of honor refined of all artificial and unnecessary properties thus imparting spiritual joy for today is more auspicious than tomorrow. Shibui everydayness provides a framework, a tradition for an artist's oeuvre to be a unit not a process. Hiroshi Mizuo argues that the best examples of shibui are found in the crafts, which are ordinary objects made to be used; also, since they are mass produced, they tend to be more spontaneous and healthy than many of the fine arts. Imperfection in shibusa Soetsu Yanagi in The Unknown Craftsman refers to as "beauty with inner implications". It is not a beauty displayed before the viewer by its creator; creation here means making a piece that will lead the viewer to draw beauty out of it for oneself. Shibui beauty, as in the beauty of Tea Ceremony, is beauty that makes an artist of the viewer."

The author Trevanian (the nom de plume of Dr. Rodney William Whitaker) wrote in his 1979 best-selling novel Shibumi, “Shibumi has to do with great refinement underlying commonplace appearances.” In the business fable The Shibumi Strategy, the author, Matthew May, wrote that shibumi "has come to denote those things that exhibit in paradox and all at once the very best of everything and nothing: Elegant simplicity. Effortless effectiveness. Understated excellence. Beautiful imperfection."

image courtesy: shibui arts

And I love this philosophy.
*yes, got this from wikipedia

Page 280: Sinta Tantra

It's hard not to fall in love with Sinta Tantra's amazing works.

And that's all I've got to say.

All photos, courtesy of Sinta Tantra

Page 279: The Classic Problem

Once a drunk stranger asked me about a classic problem in relationship: why sometimes we like a person who doesn't like us back, and why can’t we just try to be with a person who likes us although we don’t really like that person?

He’s a friend of a friend, actually. But I can’t remember his name and all I know about him that he’s a friend of a friend and he’s drunk. So to me, he's still a stranger. I shrugged and replied “chemistry. And it’s inexplicable”. He looked a bit pissed and said that basically everyone wants to be loved – so when somebody offers you to take care of you, adores you, it’s like a free ticket to be happy rather than try to be with someone who doesn't see you the way you see that person, so you should just grab that ticket because it’s free anyway.

“Right? Right?!” he tried to get my approval. I wanted to just shrug and smile, my favorite gesture lately – but somehow his tired eyes made me nod. Someone might have rejected him that day so I didn't want to be another cold hearted bitch that rejects him when all he asked just a simple support.

Before I left, I told him that the shittiest part of liking or loving someone is that you won’t be able to protect yourself entirely from getting hurt; that this “someone”, whether s/he rejects you or not, could hurt you in every possible way you could think of, even beyond that, although this person probably never had any intention to. And it’s inevitable.

“So what should I do?” he asked.

“Move on..? Stop over analyzing..? Offer your ticket to someone else..? And maybe less questions start with why..?” I said.

He chuckled, raised his glass..and shrugged.

Page 278: Little Things, Little Moments

My good friend once said that the key to not lose your mind in Jakarta – this crazy city somehow has the power to drain your energy, trust me – is to appreciate the little moments, and to lower your expectation. Somehow I agreed, because those points are doable, although the second point is kinda hard if you’re an optimist or an avid dreamer.

But appreciating little moments isn't that hard. It’s a choice anyway. It’s a will. You choose your little adventure; people you want to spend time with, places to go, food to eat, jokes to share, etc. I had fun last weekend. I went to my parents’ house, spent a few hours with my nieces, took my mom to see her therapist and she looked motivated, celebrated my best friend’s birthday, eat not-so-healthy-but-damn-it’s-yummy breakfast (cold leftover birthday cake+wafer+mash 'em together=heaven!), and went to a friend's place for breakfasting with some old friends, and I chose to take pictures of pretty little things I found during the weekend that somehow make me smile every time I see them.

So how’s your weekend?

Page 277: My First DIY Tutorial

Wee-hee-heeee..just realized that my blog has been visited more than 100,000 times! I know it doesn’t mean that 100,000 people have come to my blog and read every random thing that I posted, haha, but according to Flag Counter, people from 156 countries have visited my site, so I’m happy for it. Thank you friends and strangers!

Anyway, a few weeks ago my boss gave me 2 rolls of masking tape. Or washi tape. Actually I still can’t tell the difference between just masking tape with nice color and washi tape. Haha. (I have a regular masking tape, it’s not as pretty as tapes from my boss, but when I touch it, the surface feels like washi tape too). But let’s call it washi anyway so I’ll look like a real crafter. :D

And then on one lazy Sunday, I had this idea to decorate my so-affordable-yet-cute lamp that I bought from IKEA with those washi tapes. SGD $5 people! God bless you, dear IKEA! Actually I liked the simplicity of it. It’s all white with scandinavian design. I don’t really like things with patterns – unless the pattern is really pretty, still I prefer stuff with plain nice color. The best thing of decorating stuff with masking/ washi tape is that it’s repositionable and removable for when you get tired of it.

Since it’s the first DIY tutorial I made, pardon me if the pictures are kind of shitty.

Ok, so you need:
1. Tapes
2. Lamp shade (obviously). Plain single colored one.
3. Scissors
4. Cutter

First, decide what kind of pattern you want. You don’t have to draw it, just imagine and predict and measure it a little. I didn’t draw or measure. Haha. Remember, washi tape is removable. I decided to go with simple chevron(ish) pattern. If you want to have like complex pattern, then you need ruler and pencil.
Start with the long lines first.

Use cutter to trim off the edges for top of the shade. You don’t have to do this for the bottom part, just drag the tape until it passes through the bottom edge of the shade, and stick it on the inner surface.

Move to the next round. This part is a bit tricky, but it’s still pretty easy. Make two lines from tape, stick the edges together, but don’t stick them to the surface of the shade. After you get the triangle shape,

Page 276: Sometimes (Part 28)

Sometimes,
it’s better to be a little bit emotionally numb, or just be like “oh..hmm..yeah..whatever” (followed by a little shrug and smile) rather than over-thinking-and-analyzing every stimulus that comes to you. Except for good jokes..or amiability..or kindness.. You can't resist them. You simply just can't. You'll respond to them, although sometimes, maybe not enthusiastically.

Maybe it's something that will happen to you after facing several exhausting occurrences that can drain your energy. The kind of chaos makes you feel like you need a loooong rest. You tend to take it easy and just give less of a shit for almost everything that need you to be emotionally attached or expressive.

ATSS.
The after-the-storm syndrome.
(Yeah i made that up. There's no such thing called ATSM)
Hmm..yeah..whatever

Page 275: Another Note About Rape and Victim Blaming

It was my first visit to that building when law should punish the guilty ones and defend those who have been wronged. It was my first attempt to attend a court, to support a person I’ve never met but breaks my heart with her story. She’s a gang rape victim (read the full story here). And just like any victims, she wants justice. Although it doesn’t take a genius to see that justice can’t cure the wounds that they felt because of the rape. The pains linger; in their bodies, their mind, and their souls.

I don’t know about other countries (still doing some research), but in my country, Indonesia, the system is just..bad. Not only that we still use old law with maximum of (only) seven years' criminal imprisonment for perpetrators (if you ask me, I think we should consider to cut their dicks off), but the process to bring the case to the court is long and exhausting and torturing the victim.

I can’t imagine how it feels to be in the same room with people; who have violated your rights, who tainted your body – your sacred place, who ruined your future and dreams, who will be the master of your nightmare. I can’t imagine how it feels to see a place where all bad memories and pains collide when someone forced you and used your body to please the evil urge inside their filthy minds.

And victim blaming! Ah! That fucking monster that still punishes all victims and survivor who have broken already! I wrote about victim blaming two years ago. It’s obnoxious how society could prolong a stupid culture like that. Blame the outfit, blame the situation, blame the victim, but never the system, and just ignore the importance of educate people to punish the perpetrators.

Gah! Wish I could do something other than writing this.
I’m sad. And jaded.

image courtesy: http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/10/26/as-victim-and-survivor-rape-i-am-appalled-and-disgusted/

Page 274: Leave This City

It’s about time, I think. It’s about time to consider the idea to leave this city, this enticing but crazy city. There’s nothing left for me in this city. Well not much. Some of my favorite people have gone while others are preparing to leave. My two good friends whom I love very much also have the same idea and the image of saying goodbye to them..somehow scared me a bit. (Also, the idea of start our own farm isn't a bad idea. Not bad at all). I love my job but I still have doubt that I really can make an impact and have a real career. Guys that I met or dated were..weird. (I'm a weirdo, so if i can't stand them, there must be something wrong with them, haha). What else? Oh, the guy whom I like just threw my heart onto the pavement. Ta-daaa! *insert sad songs here :p*.

I mean, yes, my parents are here. But they will always be my parents and I will always have time when they need me to be around. I won’t miss these huge buildings, malls, skyscrapers. I won’t miss the traffic. Yes I will miss some new friends and gigs and some places, but I can always make new friends and find cool places somewhere else. There are too many memories in this city, but even the good ones are just fragments of experiences and feelings that I had.

This city won’t miss me, obviously. And some people would be glad because it means that I can contribute to make Jakarta to be less crowded.

So yeah, maybe it’s about time to make list of reasons why I should/n’t stay.
Still maybe, though.

Oh fickle heart of mine.

I lick my wounds but I can never see them getting better

Something’s gotta change

Things cannot stay the same

Page 273: Comforting You

What I really wish right now is that those medications and therapy can give you a little comfort, dear mother. Because sometimes I feel that I can’t provide that, no matter how many jokes and hugs and kisses I've given you. I hate the glint of fear I saw in your eyes yesterday when we were talking about your condition. I wish I could erase it or at least alleviate it just by snapping my fingers and a single “abracadabra”. That would be the best gift ever, right? Right.

But I know I can't. And i hate that. 

I. Hate.That.

But I know you're a fighter because you taught me how to be one.

Now it’s my turn to help you remember those lessons, I guess. 

Page 272: Numbness

And you said to yourself over and over again,
“This is not the first.
Your heart crushed before.
You knew the consequences”

But still the pain runs through your veins,
fills your lungs,
and stuck in your chest.

Where’s the numbness when you need it the most?

Page 271: Devoured

Some stupidity has the ability to refurbishing itself.

You thought you have broken the wall of that revolting labyrinth that devoured you a long time ago,
but you were wrong.

And in the morning you cursed,
you cursed the pain that slowly skulked into your heart.

That jealousy disgusts you.

"I have messed up"

Page 270: The Mirth

Sweet words and memories can be very deceiving, she thought, when she walked through the rain that night. For their existences are built on how we perceive things; on how we put so many filters in front of the fact; on how we give meaning to things that probably meaningless, based on our own expectations; on how we nurture hopes.

Specious excuses. The mirth we chose to keep.

Page 269: Current Addiction (Part 15)

Yeah, i did let you go. :)

"You can't reach me cause I'm way beyond you today"

Page 268: Current Addiction (Part 14)

'Cause for all we know

We might be dead by tomorrow

Page 267: Fragments of Trust

Deep down inside I always know that I have trust issue when it comes to friendship or any kind of emotional bond with people. It takes more than months, sometimes years, to be able to tell someone how I really feel about something. It’s more than kindness or just fun moments that we’ve shared to be able to trust them, rely on them for certain things, tell them problems that torture me. Although I believe in something called chemistry and it would help me to take off the thorny fence. Still, for me, the transaction of trust isn’t as simple as exchanging kindness. I can be super nice to people who treat me nicely, even if I don’t fully trust them. Help them when they need me, even if I don’t really like them. I rarely instantly decide to dislike a person, though. Try my best not to absorb the bitterness.

But trust is a different case. It’s in a different area. It always comes with the fear of betrayal. And just like love, when it’s unrequited, it causes pain, causes invisible wound. Don’t you think not to be able to gain trust from someone whom you trust is another form of betrayal too? I think it is.

If the Divine master plan is perfection

Maybe next I'll give Judas a try

Page 266: Shadow Cities

I wanted everything to remain the same. Because this, too, is typical of people who have lost everything, including their roots or their ability to grow new ones. They may be mobile, scattered, nomadic, dislodged, but in their jittery state of transience they are thoroughly stationary. It is precisely because you have no roots that you don’t budge, that you fear change, that you’ll build on anything, rather than look for land.

— from André Aciman, “Shadow Cities” 

Page 265: The Estrangement

Last night, before she fell asleep, she realized that time isn't just the healer. It’s also a voracious entity with insatiable appetite that will eat everything, including memories.
And dreams.
And feelings, even the good ones.

The estrangement of things and people she holds dear to her heart seems inevitable.
It is inevitable.

Page 264: Jane Alexander

Jane Alexander

I'm in love with her works, especially "The Butcher Boys", plaster sculptures of three life-size humanoid beasts with powdery skin, black eyes, broken horns, and no mouths sitting on a bench. The artwork represents the brutal dehumanizing forces of Apartheid in South Africa. The animal parts show how people stripped themselves of their humanity and put themselves above others, thinking they were better. 

Always love artworks that inspired by social issues :)

The Butcher Boys. Image courtesy: studyblue

Street Cadets. Image courtesy: artthrob

Image courtesy:  Cathy Gendron

Surveys. Image courtesy: Adam Kuehl

African Adventure. Image courtesy: Artslant

Page 263: Covet

Some part of me told me that it’s the right decision to leave that place, to find a better opportunity. To chase my dream, follow my passion, and maybe have a life that I really want to live. The other part told me that I was too stubborn and proud to even consider staying there for a while. And this waywardness will lead me to a road where thorny plants will cut and scratch my skin each time I go farther, eventually.

image courtesy: @travel_pancakes - instagram

My insecurity has never hit me this hard.

I wish I’m unperturbed. I wish I don’t have to covet this and that.

The times she cried,

Too frail to wake this time.

Page 262: Outshine

“We lived on farms, then we lived in cities, and now we’re going to live on the internet!”

 – Justin Timberlake as Sean Parker, “The Social Network” 

Post photos. Write a status. Check in. Share a link.
Share stories. Share? No, sell. Sell stories then buy attention.

Attention. People want that, sometimes they're craving it. Through this whimsical invention called social media that support and enliven the big parade of narcissism. I’m using it (even pay my bill because I utilize it on daily basis for work), thus I’m part of that big swirl. With the need to express yourself [that you have voice, that you’re alive, that you have A LIFE] as the pivot.

And some people can be overly sensitive because of it. And some people can get addicted to it. And some people can prioritize it more than the warmth they can get from talk to each other, to smile and laugh instead of choosing emoticons.

That’s the dark side. It still has a bright side as well. I just hope that the dark side won’t outshine the bright one. 

Page 261: Ruin

"the trouble is that you're in love with someone else" - interpol, c'mere

Solitude has never been a monster for me. Well, not all the time. It’s nice, some kind of companionship that I need sometimes, to find peace when nobody is around. But you(r image) ruined it. I've let you ruined it. I shouldn't have allowed you to be that ghost that flickering behind my eyelids when I sleep*.

--

*phrase originally came from jktxnyc

Page 260: Oh Hello 29!

Last year, I decided that I have to go somewhere outside Jakarta every year on my birthday. To remind myself that the traffic and shitty parts of this city haven’t made me immune to that thought that I have to make my life more interesting with traveling.

It’s kinda hard actually, because in January, especially in this island where I live, Java, monsoon occurs from September to February. If only I had that power to turn every single hair on my armpits into diamond, I could easily go to anywhere I want. But of course, I can’t, and because of the budget, I have to plan my trip wisely.

So last year I went to Bromo and this year I went to Kawah Putih, Bandung. I was planning to go to Mount Prau, Dieng actually. But with the rain and wind, I changed my destination to Kawah Putih, Bandung. And I didn’t regret it. Not at all. It’s safer and I still had beautiful scenery right in front of my eyes.

I went with cool people who also took a trip with me to Vietnam and Cambodia. Have you ever had that feeling when you finally found your travel buddies? Those people you can travel with because you know you won’t have that urge to kill them immediately on the first week exploring new places with them? That’s how I feel about them. I heart their idiosyncrasies and quirkiness. I had fun.

And when I got back, my most favorite foreigners in Jakarta gave me surprise with music performance, gift, and scrumptious Japanese food. Happy belly! Thanks buddies!

Turns out, being 29 isn't that bad. So far so good. Although I still have lotsa questions in my head, inexplicable feelings about life and erratic dreams with no map that could show me the fast-right-safe path to reach them. Not to mention bombarded with silly questions about decisions I made for my life from people who (maybe) just want me to see them as good role models.

I can’t tell whether I’ve surrendered and just embrace whatever comes or not. Not for everything, just for some parts. I’ve learned to sincerely let go of good people who have carved good memories in my brain and heart (because some of them will be in other countries this year and yes I know I can just utilize technology to keep in touch with them, but for me it won’t be same). I’ve learned that I still have trust issues when it comes to friendship and relationship (because although you have treated people nicely, some people just wouldn’t have that consideration that you’re important for them), but I still think that if I treat people nicely while keeping my expectation low will guard me from being hurt.

No. I can’t tell whether I’ve surrendered and just embrace it.

But I can tell that I’m wiser and calmer.

I think.

Thank you 2013. Thank you 28. Thank you good people. Thank you God. J

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,

I hope you had the time of your life.

Green Day - Good Riddance