"
Breathe, keep breathing. Don't lose your nerve" -
Radiohead



Page 329: Fuck you 2016

/ Saturday, December 17, 2016 /
The only thing that made the Hong Kong airport lounge stopped looking fuzzy and implode in a slow motion that noon was a pack of tissue that some old lady offered. I stopped sobbing for a second to thank her. Not just because of what she offered, but because she held my hand too. She had already sat next to me when I received many notifications the second I turned my phone on; whatsapp messages, missed calls, SMS. The messengers that delivered a news that I knew would break my heart. Even before I read them, I knew that my aunt has passed away. The woman who was like my second mom has gone because of the illness that attacked her a week before. And I couldn’t attend her funeral. No last kiss on her cheek, no farewell words were spoken.

After that, everything in my life seemed to crumbling down, one by one. My former employer decided not to renew my contract as a consultant. And then I didn’t get the scholarship I wanted. And my mom was sick. And my dad was on the verge of mild depression. And my heart was broken..again. 

They all happened in 2016. It’s not a good year. It’s a huge reminder that life has defeated me by throwing me the huge rocks called “misfortune”, over and over. I know I still have a decent place to stay and food to swallow, but it doesn’t mean that my problems weren’t real. This year I took the break. I allowed myself to cry when I felt like I need to. I allowed myself to curse the universe.

But 2016 helped me to realize who my real friends are, people I can’t count on even when I reveal the bitter queen in me. It helped me to know who’d say “take your time, let me know if you need anything”; or those who’d send me a cake all of a sudden just to cheer me up; or those who’d listen to me whining for the umpteenth time, and still hug me afterwards. That they will be my support system most of the time and I would do the same when they need me the most.

And I went to UK this year, a country that I wanted to visit from the age of 13. And I loved it. I loved the weather (that it rained a lot. Don’t you just love the smell of the earth after the rain?), the diversity, the tube, the old buildings, the houses, the park, and how I can be the real pedestrian and walked most of the time. I went to Tate Modern and saw Salvador Dali’s Metamorphosis of Narcissus, Rene Magritte’s The Annunciation and Jane Alexander’s African Adventure with my own eyes. I met my buddies again. And I remembered how happy I was.

Right now, I can say that the hurricane has gone. Well pretty much. I got a new job, I’m learning new things, I’m making plans for personal projects, and I smile every time I remember something about my aunt. My heart? Still beating somehow. Surviving. Reposing?

Reposing..yeah she needs it.

I hate you, 2016. And I’m sure many people feel the same. You’re a shitty year, you’re a rotten year. Thank you for torturing me, thank you for London and Scotland, thank you for giving me a new job. But I still hate you. I do. Fuck you 2016.


Page 328: Tease

/ Friday, December 16, 2016 /
Yeah..
Life will tease you with things you can't have.
I know that.

#eaaaaa #lagipinginlebay



I don't wanna be your friend
I just wanna be your lover

Page 327: The Inexplicable Acceptance

/ Saturday, December 10, 2016 /

Some story is shorter than the other. And with him, it started with that glint in his eyes that you saw that night. That you tried to describe..to understand.

There’s some amount of sadness, and some recklessness, and some mischievousness.
But it ended abruptly, before you could understand. Before you're sure.
But somehow you’re fine with that. 

The inexplicable acceptance.

Page 326: On Asking a Guy Out

/ Saturday, December 3, 2016 /

People who know me well know that I can be weird and silly sometimes. Like I can randomly ask them “hey, when you’re on a date, and you have that urge to fart, and you can’t leave the table, which one would you prefer: a stink one or a loud one”. Or when I pretended to be deaf and mute because I got stuck in an angkot when a stranger asked me my number. Or when I ate glue because I was curious.

There are silly challenges I would commit to do for the sake of YOLO, but not asking a guy out. For years, one of my closest friends often tells me to ask guys out if I find them interesting, but I used to think that it’s not..okay. Funny, huh? Neng Tia likes to tell people that she’s a feminist and believes that women should do what they can do because we need to break gender stereotype, but still, when it comes to asking a guy out, she thought that it should come from men.

Maybe because I grew up with older women in my life who kept telling me that “aggressive” women were bad. Even my mom, although she’s independent, smart, and pretty decisive, she played that passive-aggressive strategy to my dad before he asked her out (FYI, my dad was a big nerd who paid attention too much on music and alien, he didn’t even realize that my mom, his own best friend had a crush on him back then).

Yeah, us, woman know that, talk about that once in a while, that asking a guy out is kinda taboo. That you can’t show interest first, that you have to attract them, and wait, like some animal in a pet store. Well, tinder and other dating apps sort of help us to make the first move, but let's admit it, if we could avoid using that card, we would. Because somehow it “defines” our “values”, that we are good enough to be wanted. To be chased.

And I get that. No matter how awesome you think you are, or your friends often tell you that you’re amazing or cool, once in a while you still need some external factor to justify that. And that factor, ladies, are men (or women, depends on your preferences).

It’s nice to be wanted, especially when a guy whom you think is cool, or smart, or hot, or has it all asks your number and asks you out on a date. I get that. Once this hot-successful (I’m talking about a Doctor giving lecturers at Harvard, Berkeley, did amazing projects on urban planning, has his own organization and curated numerous art exhibitions kind of successful) guy told me that I’m attractive and smart and asked me out. In my head I was like “YES, YES, FUCKING YES, OH GAWD DEFINITELY A HUNDRED YESS, SIR YOU HAD ME WHEN YOU MENTIONED YOU HAD A COPY OF CODEX SERAPHINIANUS YES SIR I’M FUCKING YOURS SIR YESS!!!” but of course I simply replied “sure. Yes. Somewhere in SCBD maybe?”. Although it didn’t work out the way I imagined it would be, and it was my friend who finally tapped him, I still think that it’s an accomplishment. Haha.

I digress. Where was I? Oh, yes, asking a man out is kinda taboo. Because we don’t want to be seen that desperate. We don’t want that man to think “are you really that lonely?”. Not until two weeks ago I decided to try asking a man out. I mean..I’m an INTP who’s really bad at flirting, so of course Mr.Spock in my head was telling me to ask a guy that I find interesting out. It’s harmless, it’s just an invitation, and it’s sort of empowering.

image courtesy: here

So last week I asked this guy out. I sent him a simple line, “hey, are you free tomorrow night?” He said yes. An hour before he came I texted my friend and told her that I’m gonna laugh really hard if he shows up with a friend because he thought I was asking for a hanging out session. Laugh or would be like Jane of IT Crowd who suddenly asked people to dance together just to get away from awkward situation. But he came alone, and I had a good time, good conversation, and free food. 

So you know, ladies, it’s okay to ask a guy out. It doesn’t mean that you’re aggressive, even if it makes you look like an aggressive woman, it doesn’t make you a bad person. And trust me, it feels good to finally be able to conquer your own fear of being judged as not wanted or pathetic. If a guy whom you asked thinks that you are, it’s still going to be just fine, it’s not the end of the world. Remember, you’re not some animal in a pet store. 

;)

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