"
Breathe, keep breathing. Don't lose your nerve" -
Radiohead



Page 223: That Night, When He Wasn’t There

/ Tuesday, April 30, 2013 /
A big smile, rants, and jokes. I could smell the scent of alcohol on his breath while he gently tapped my head several times before he hugged me. I looked at him closely that night, tried to analyze why many girls adore him, while I just like him as a close friend, like a brother. It feels weird sometimes…not to be able to find him attractive (well he’s pretty cute, he’s nice, he’s smart, but nothing like…”oh lord, I wanna hump him!”). I have never even imagined doing dirty things with him. “Eww. That would feel like incest” is what usually come out from my mouth when someone asks whether I’ve ever wanted to give a shot with this guy or not.

The other guy hugged me tightly. Told me that I’m smart right after I gave my opinion about “art nowadays”, “human emotions”, and “urban culture”. A friend once told me that she thinks that he has a crush on me. I laughed. And to be honest, didn’t give a shit. It’s not because I think that he irritates me in some kind of way if he has a crush on me. (If he really does, I would be flattered.) But it’s because I like him as a friend, and friend only. And his feelings towards me is his business. Not mine.

My mind wandered, questions appeared in my head. Stupid questions about a guy that wasn’t there. Things like… Does he think I’m smart? Does he think I’m funny? Has he ever wanted to hug me like that? Does he find me attractive? His friends like me, they often praise me and give me compliments, does it make him think that we may have chances?

Then I realized I probably had overvalued myself. That I did think that I’m smart enough, wise enough, fun enough, funny enough, good taste in music-movie-books, kind enough, sweet enough. Good enough. Just enough. Enough to make him interested in me.

Maybe it’s actually one of my shields when I feel that I’m not good enough to be with someone. Just to prevent myself from self-blame for my inability to make that someone likes me back.

I remembered what my friend told me when she read my tarot cards. My fear and hope card said that deep down inside I just want to be happy. But who doesn’t want that? Years ago, I reached a conclusion that happiness and sadness share the same throne in your mind, in your soul, in your heart. Just like love, is about moment. One of them won’t rule forever.

And that night, when that guy wasn’t there with me, I remembered those moments when I was happy enough just because of small attentions from him. Because of the way he laughs. Or because I saw his fingers moved when he calculated something. Or because the memory of one night when we sat on the same couch, not talking to each other, he was doing something and I was sketching. Because of those probably-meaningless-aimless interactions that we had.

Funny. How I thought that I should give a shot. And I did. And I think I knew the result anyway. But as Paul the alien said, “sometimes, you just gotta roll the dice.” 
That night, I know that it's time to stop, because you can't be with a guy who doesn't wanna be with you, right?

That night, I’ve decided not to pursue him anymore.
That night, I know I wasn’t fine, but I will be.


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