Breathe, keep breathing. Don't lose your nerve" -

Page 332: Learn

/ Wednesday, January 18, 2017 /
Borges once said that "with every good-bye you learn".
And through you i learned that when people who claimed that they check their phones very often but replied my text the day after are not worth my time. Good bye, mister. Good luck. Be good. I'm done abusing my own heart. It's not your fault. So yeah..I'm done.

"Because I’m licked and lost feeling like a coin being flipped and tossed" - The Russian Futurists

Page 331: For a Brief Moment

/ Monday, January 16, 2017 /
"..for a brief moment nothing else matters" she said.
And I agreed
But for a brief moment, I wish he was you.
For a brief moment, he made me forgot about you,
about everything.
For a brief moment, he made me numb.
And numbness is all I need right now.
Numbness is good. I think.

Why can't I turn around and walk away?
Go back in time
I'll have to turn around and walk away
I couldn't stay, I had to walk away

I'm left behind with an empty hole
And everything I am is gone
I try to reach for another soul
So I can feel whole

Page 330: New Things and Acceptance

/ Thursday, January 12, 2017 /
00:00 - the first day of 2017. I heard people cheered. I saw fireworks.
2017 has started. The year of acceptance has started.

I decided that it should be the year of acceptance. It’s actually my friend’s ritual, Dinda, to decide a theme before entering a new year. I used to answer frivolously when she asks, but I decided to commit to it this time. Last year was a mess. A pretty huge one. Too many disappointments, sadness, and anger. Yes, I admit that it still had beautiful moments, but I can’t deny that it dragged me to some place where it’s hard for me to keep pieces of tranquility. It was the year when I had to break my own heart, again, twice. The first was harder than the second one. Slow burn always harder, right? The second was more like a crush and what I felt was actually..lust. Haha. Well, I still have that for him, a little bit, but I am neutralizing it. Because it’s silly to want someone who clearly doesn’t attracted to you, right? Right. Kinda sucks, but oh well, at least I got free meal and free stuff from that guy.

Acceptance, because I want to remind myself to be braver on facing everything. Be resilient. I started the first month of 2017 with new things too. Moved to a new tiny nest. And of course, visited a new place on my birthday, keeping the ritual of the birthday trip.

I was planning to visit Danau tujuh in Jambi, but I used the money for something else. Something more important. But I’m planning to have another birthday trip in April or May, maybe not to Danau Tujuh, but we’ll see.

Sooo..on the 5th of January..I went to Mangrove forest (forest..? hmm..More like a tourist park, actually) in North Jakarta. Faar north. It’s called Wisata Alam Hutan Mangrove Pantai Indah Kapuk. I went there with my friend Shila. It’s pretty easy to get there. We ordered uber and we got to the entrance an hour later.

We were pretty surprised that it’s actually kind of crowded. So many teenagers! We realized that although it was Thursday, it’s still NY holiday anyway. The ticket price was cheap, IDR25K per person. I had lunch first, and then we explored the place. This place had many instagramable spots and visitors who want to explore the river can rent the boat. I heard that

Page 329: Fuck you 2016

/ Saturday, December 17, 2016 /
The only thing that made the Hong Kong airport lounge stopped looking fuzzy and implode in a slow motion that noon was a pack of tissue that some old lady offered. I stopped sobbing for a second to thank her. Not just because of what she offered, but because she held my hand too. She had already sat next to me when I received many notifications the second I turned my phone on; whatsapp messages, missed calls, SMS. The messengers that delivered a news that I knew would break my heart. Even before I read them, I knew that my aunt has passed away. The woman who was like my second mom has gone because of the illness that attacked her a week before. And I couldn’t attend her funeral. No last kiss on her cheek, no farewell words were spoken.

After that, everything in my life seemed to crumbling down, one by one. My former employer decided not to renew my contract as a consultant. And then I didn’t get the scholarship I wanted. And my mom was sick. And my dad was on the verge of mild depression. And my heart was broken..again. 

They all happened in 2016. It’s not a good year. It’s a huge reminder that life has defeated me by throwing me the huge rocks called “misfortune”, over and over. I know I still have a decent place to stay and food to swallow, but it doesn’t mean that my problems weren’t real. This year I took the break. I allowed myself to cry when I felt like I need to. I allowed myself to curse the universe.

But 2016 helped me to realize who my real friends are, people I can’t count on even when I reveal the bitter queen in me. It helped me to know who’d say “take your time, let me know if you need anything”; or those who’d send me a cake all of a sudden just to cheer me up; or those who’d listen to me whining for the umpteenth time, and still hug me afterwards. That they will be my support system most of the time and I would do the same when they need me the most.

And I went to UK this year, a country that I wanted to visit from the age of 13. And I loved it. I loved the weather (that it rained a lot. Don’t you just love the smell of the earth after the rain?), the diversity, the tube, the old buildings, the houses, the park, and how I can be the real pedestrian and walked most of the time. I went to Tate Modern and saw Salvador Dali’s Metamorphosis of Narcissus, Rene Magritte’s The Annunciation and Jane Alexander’s African Adventure with my own eyes. I met my buddies again. And I remembered how happy I was.

Right now, I can say that the hurricane has gone. Well pretty much. I got a new job, I’m learning new things, I’m making plans for personal projects, and I smile every time I remember something about my aunt. My heart? Still beating somehow. Surviving. Reposing?

Reposing..yeah she needs it.

I hate you, 2016. And I’m sure many people feel the same. You’re a shitty year, you’re a rotten year. Thank you for torturing me, thank you for London and Scotland, thank you for giving me a new job. But I still hate you. I do. Fuck you 2016.

Page 328: Tease

/ Friday, December 16, 2016 /
Life will tease you with things you can't have.
I know that.

#eaaaaa #lagipinginlebay

I don't wanna be your friend
I just wanna be your lover


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