Breathe, keep breathing. Don't lose your nerve" -

Page 369: The Good Place

/ Wednesday, September 19, 2018 /
As a far-from-pious person of faith with a complicated relationship with God, I instantly fell for this series the first time I watched it a year ago.

Eleanor really resonates with how I feel about the thoughts of hoomans judgment system in the after life, (like, it's really hard, or even impossible, to win), if the system does exist (I've told you I have a complicated relationship with God, I believe that afterlife exists, but it's also logical to agree that I could be wrong) 😬.

Anyway, can't wait for season 3!

Page 368: That Kinda Imaginary Scenario

/ Tuesday, September 18, 2018 /
“3 sessions a week and you’ll see the result pretty soon. I’ve been doing it and I’ve lost 4 kilos in 2 months” said the lady I met on my first Muay Thai session. I just smiled and told her that being slim was not my only goal. That what I wanted more was to stay healthy, strong and be more confident. I also told her I read somewhere that self-defense class was a good way to maintain your confidence to stand up for yourself. To train yourself to be stronger. And because more often than not, yoga makes me sleepy. She made something with her face that almost looked like a smile and uttered a sarcastic “mmm..okay mmh-huh”. Pretty much like this ↓

I wasn’t annoyed because I thought she thought I was fat. I was more..baffled. And then I heard that voice that nobody else but me could hear, “why did she react like that, like she didn’t believe that I signed up for the class because I wanted to be healthy too? Did she think I’m that kinda woman who would shame other women who care a lot about their appearance? Did she think I judge her? Etc etc”.

I was about to text my bf about that, but before I hit the send button, I stopped, and then deleted the whole sentences. Because I knew he would say something like..it’s probably just in my head and the “mmm..okay mmh-huh” meant nothing, followed by some encouragement to get over it because it wouldn’t affect my motivation or my life in general. Because I knew that it was just me allowing that kinda imaginary scenario to take over my brain.

image courtesy: here

It’s one of the things that I admire from him, made me fall for him and envy him: he always tries to see the best in people first and don’t overthink what people would think about him, especially strangers. 

But when you have some (self-diagnosed) anxiety disorder, you tend to overanalyze things. I’m not trying to make it as a justification for my oddity (well, maybe a little bit, heheh), but it’s still hard to control it, sometimes. And with this case, it’s probably because I still see that some women still shaming other women for being..not in the middle. When you’re too skinny because somehow you just can’t get fat, they shame you. When you embrace your curves or big physique, they say you’re promoting obesity. When you enjoy casual sex, you get slut shaming. When you declare your vow of chastity, some women prude shaming you. When you love make-up, they say you are fixated on your looks and just wanna attract some potential partners. And don’t get me started with working moms vs stay-at-home moms.

So sometimes, those thoughts above give birth to tiny bad thought of what will happen to me about being judged and bullied by others. And when my anxiety and hate of being judged by other people work together to babysit and nurture it, it becomes something I overthink about. 

Yes, I'm in love with her work. image courtesy: petunia.byisatg
Sometimes, telling myself that “other people’s judgments are actually inconsequential to my life and I’m not defined by them” calms me down. But sometimes, it takes time to tame it. I hope I’m getting better at it.

Page 367: Just Another Random Note

/ Monday, September 3, 2018 /
Been a nomad for a while..it's kinda fun (visited different cities, stayed in hotels, free food, extra money from per diem, etc) and I learned a lot from these opportunities..met some artists, human rights activists, creativists, people from CSOs and visited a cool safe house for people who have been discriminated against..but it's also for work, which means..it's still tiring somehow. 

I miss having slow mornings where I don’t have to check event rundowns or to do list. Haha. I miss not thinking or hearing how vengeful some people in this country can be – which is something I can’t avoid, since I work for an organization that focuses on human rights issues and conflict resolution. And I miss one of my homes whose heart is beating thousands of miles away right now.

The good thing is, I haven’t cried because I feel overwhelmed or worried about some plans. Every time I start to feel like I’m about to imagine the worst in the future that can drag me into anxiety vortex, I do deep breathing and listen to Westworld Opening Theme Song. That song soothes me somehow. So yeah, hopefully everything goes well.

Page 366: BLORFT

/ Thursday, August 23, 2018 /
How I've been feeling lately.. 

That..and feel inadequate..

..and anxious about some big plan that I wish I could execute next year..

Oh lordylord..

Page 365: Love Language

/ Friday, August 17, 2018 /
When it comes to human interaction, I like to have some tools that help me to understand people better. As an INTP, reading emotions is not where I shine. Especially when these emotions are not part of people I'm interested in. Haha.

For example, I asked my close friends about their MBTI personality types; my boyfriend about his, a week after I realized I liked him; I also asked my colleagues and told them that I'm an INTP and sometimes offer them useful articles that explain the absurdity of INTPs. Hah. I think to know things like this would be very useful to communicate with them. Although I know that  people with the same MBTI type can have different ways of approaching problems.

Last week I read about this article on the importance of knowing your primary love language as well as languages of other people you care about. Not just the one(s) you're having a romantic relationship with, but also close friends and family members.

I think it's interesting because when your loved one can't understand how to make you feel that you're loved although they have expressed it, maybe it's because both of you have different primary love languages.

So I took the test.
And this was my result.

I asked my S.O and a close friend to take it. And his primary language was Physical Touch, followed by Quality Time and Gifts. 

The results gave me a better understanding of him and our dynamic. For example, it took us 7 months to say the big 3 words to each other, because words of affirmation, although the score for it was quite high, it's still not my primary language. Or how happy I was to see that he had changed the broken bidet spray with the new one. So most of the time we choose to articulate love by action or quality time.

When I asked my close friend to take the test, the result gave me a deeper understanding of her. I know her really well, but reading the result gave me that "aah..so that's why.." moment. 

Anyway, what I want to emphasize is..this test is pretty helpful for friendship and or relationship. So..yeah. Take the test! It's free anyway! :D
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