Page 169: Stupid Condescension

After all these years, I hate the way you can always find a way to hurt me and make me questioning the qualities in me. How you can slowly convinced me that I had an elusive wall that made you thought that I’m that kind of person which hard to be with; fun and attractive at first but going deeper, I’m just a weirdo. I’m too weird for you. Yes, I still remember you called me that. That’s why you said that I should find another man with the same ‘quality’ and it’s definitely not in you. “You’re smart, but too weird”. Was it a compliment or a mock? Until now, I could not decide.

Is that why you chose her instead of me, the one whom you called ‘liar’ and ‘drama queen’ when you ran to me those nights? You've told me you would never want her back, but a friend just told me that you’re dating her again. This is confusing. Am I that difficult? Am I really one level under her?

No, man, I don’t want you anymore. I’m quite sure of that. And I know, yes I know that this is not a race, but maybe, I just hate the fact that you already have somebody while I have none. I hate the fact that your reason of why you didn't want me appeared, stuck in my brain and affected my self-esteem.

I know Nietzche said, “what doesn't kill you makes you stronger”, but still…gosh, I hate this stupid condescension. I know this is stupid. This is rubbish. Anyone who read this would probably says, “poor you, stupid self-pitying beyotch”. But you know what, one of my favorite musician said that “something will never wash away”. Maybe it’s true. Damn!

man, what a mustache