Page 363: On Acceptance

Sadness has its elusive way to attract some sort of creativity, I think. At least for me. Maybe because when we’re sad, we need to get rid of the burden, and by expressing it – hoping that it will help us to understand the issues better – we also enable the disposal. Or maybe because it simply pushes us to do something, an effort to take our mind off it, too. To me, sadness makes me to produce more writings. Not all of them were good, of course. Haha. But some of them were beautiful.

This morning I read my writings in 2016, the most turbulent year in my life so far. And despite all the curses here and there, they’re beautiful in a way. It’s the year that made me decide that 2017 should be about acceptance. Just go with the flow and open myself up to any possibilities.

It’s 2018 already and I realized that 2017 was indeed a year of acceptance.

I accepted that self-love takes time. That the road to learn that you’re enough can be rocky and daunting. That as much as recognition from other people can help you to understand that you’re enough, the acknowledgment comes from within. I learned to remind myself over and over that “I am enough, but I can improve myself on some things. I want to improve myself”. It took a heartbreak, a journey to self-pitying abyss, the “I wish I was prettier, funnier and smarter” repetition to understand that I wasn’t the only one to blame for exhausting relationships I had in the past. I learned that you can’t be everyone’s favorite and that’s okay. I learned what matters to me, and what’s in me that matters to me.

I accepted the fact that I used to spend a lot of time thinking of the past or future, more than I should have. Sometimes, subconsciously, I dwell on intrusive memories of the past - a vortex of things I could've or should've done. Sometimes, I also let myself to frantically think about what may or may not happen in the future. As much as I'm aware that sometimes preparing yourself for the worst isn't completely a bad idea, I also have realized to some degree, it can be unhealthy. That instead of motivates you to be a better person, it makes you to not being grateful of what you have right now – of things that other people wish to have. I accepted that there will be imperfection on each journey, there will be exhaustion and obstacles. But there will be experience too. There will be lessons. And by not living in the present, I may never harvest them because I don't realize when I'm encountering them.

I accepted that my concept of fun may not fit with what others have embraced as fun. Haha. For example, I learned that gossip session filled with petty judgment is inconsequential to me, that talking about other people’s flaws is different from discussing human behavior and problems and learn from it. I admit that in the past, I did judge some people based on their social media posts, but in 2017 I learned that it’s my insecurity and perhaps jealousy that spoke, a manifestation of lack of self-love, too. I’m glad I found a way to tame it.

I accepted that it’s okay to be seen as not so smart when I’m involved in a discussion. And to admit that I don’t know or not familiar with some topic. As an INTP, it’s hard, because this breed really values intelligence therefore it used to be my way to see that I’m worthy. But it made me forgot that what’s more important is to grow and learn. A person who seems not so smart in the present may not be like that in the next 2 or 3 months.

I accepted that I had distorted thought about a better romantic partner. That s/he is simply not the one who’s richer, more successful in a conventional way, or better looking than your previous partner(s). [Although my new one is cuter than my old ones, heehee]. But the one who supports you to be a wiser and more content person and has the same intention to be a better person, too. And holds the same values. I know the feeling, when you want to get a partner who makes other people think that s/he’s a catch, because somehow it reflects that you must be special, too. I’ve been there. But I’ve learned my values too and what kinda person I need, what makes this person special to me. And I’ve learned that to be wanted is different with to be loved. I once misread my own feeling towards this guy. I thought I fell for him. But then I was lucky enough to realize that it’s just part of me that wanted a story after not having one for long, because moving on from him was easy and fast. And although I liked him, I never felt the warmth and tranquility like what I feel when I’m with my boyfriend.

So, cheers to 2017. I don’t know what to call 2018 yet. Maybe it’s the sign that I should stop labeling year. Just improve myself, channeling negative feelings to something positive whenever I have them, and stay kind. And hope that each step I take will lead me to fascinating journeys and help me to grow, and find pieces of serenity.