Page 309: 31 and Still Wandering

“I thought I was just seeing and listening, that in my idle wanderings I was nothing but a reflector of received images, a white screen onto which reality projected colours and light instead of shadows. But, though I was unaware of it, I was more than that.” – Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet.

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The clouds couldn’t hold the rain any longer. I started to hear uncountable tiny drops hit the roof at 2 PM. The sound that I love, but not that day. Because it was my birthday, and I needed to go to a place to do my annual “ritual”: The birthday trip, a journey where I can contemplate and cleanse my soul a little bit. And rain can ruin it.

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This year, I chose a hill. Not too far, Bukit Moko in Bandung. I was planning to go there on foot. And by “on foot” I mean walking from Saung Angklung Udjo. Glad I didn’t do it. Haha. I ordered gojek to take me to the closest spot to the gate. You still have to hike anyway to reach the top of the hill.

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For those who haven’t been to Bukit Moko (or Bukit Bintang), the best Route is from Padasuka. Find Saung Angklung Udjo and just follow the path. There’s no public transportation to reach Moko. So either you use a 4WD car or a motorbike like I did.

It was 3 PM when we left the house. We had to stop for a while because it was raining really hard. I prayed to God to make it stop and give me sunset. It was almost 4 PM when the rain stopped. Well..kind of. It was still drizzling, actually.

The road to Moko was pretty challenging: steep, narrow and muddy. There was a time when we had to stop because a vegetables truck was broken down and sort of blocked the road. So we helped them, you know, gave it a push so the engine would start. No, I’m not kidding. My ojek driver was a good guy. He was the one who had the idea.

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It was almost 5 PM when we reached the gate. I saw the pines forest from afar and got so excited. The ticket to get in was pretty cheap, IDR 12,000/ person. When we finally entered the forest, the hill was inundated by the mist. It was eerie yet pretty. Kinda reminded me of Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow. 

After taking pictures, we stayed at some kind of shelter because it was raining again. I was still hoping that the rain would stop and the clear sky would expel the mist and invite the beautiful sunset to come. My mind used the chance to drag me to that corner where I can find fragments of memories, thoughts and feelings. About my plans. About that guy who once talked to me about building future together, but then left this country to chase..other things than me. 

[The shuffle option on my phone suddenly chose The Cure’s A Letter to Elise. “but i let the dream go // and the promises broke // and the make-believe ran out”. “Shit..” I murmured before I giggled.]

About my parents. About other guy who has that nice guy syndrome – another short story that i should label as “just another laughing stock”. About mistakes. About life. About fate. About faith.

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5.30. The rain stopped, the mist disappeared, and I saw a golden line. Sunset was coming, not really stunning, but it’s still comforting. 

I thanked God for it, took a deep breath, and then smiled before I left the top of the hill.

31 and still wandering. May the Force be with me.

Page 260: Oh Hello 29!

Last year, I decided that I have to go somewhere outside Jakarta every year on my birthday. To remind myself that the traffic and shitty parts of this city haven’t made me immune to that thought that I have to make my life more interesting with traveling.

It’s kinda hard actually, because in January, especially in this island where I live, Java, monsoon occurs from September to February. If only I had that power to turn every single hair on my armpits into diamond, I could easily go to anywhere I want. But of course, I can’t, and because of the budget, I have to plan my trip wisely.

So last year I went to Bromo and this year I went to Kawah Putih, Bandung. I was planning to go to Mount Prau, Dieng actually. But with the rain and wind, I changed my destination to Kawah Putih, Bandung. And I didn’t regret it. Not at all. It’s safer and I still had beautiful scenery right in front of my eyes.

I went with cool people who also took a trip with me to Vietnam and Cambodia. Have you ever had that feeling when you finally found your travel buddies? Those people you can travel with because you know you won’t have that urge to kill them immediately on the first week exploring new places with them? That’s how I feel about them. I heart their idiosyncrasies and quirkiness. I had fun.

And when I got back, my most favorite foreigners in Jakarta gave me surprise with music performance, gift, and scrumptious Japanese food. Happy belly! Thanks buddies!

Turns out, being 29 isn't that bad. So far so good. Although I still have lotsa questions in my head, inexplicable feelings about life and erratic dreams with no map that could show me the fast-right-safe path to reach them. Not to mention bombarded with silly questions about decisions I made for my life from people who (maybe) just want me to see them as good role models.

I can’t tell whether I’ve surrendered and just embrace whatever comes or not. Not for everything, just for some parts. I’ve learned to sincerely let go of good people who have carved good memories in my brain and heart (because some of them will be in other countries this year and yes I know I can just utilize technology to keep in touch with them, but for me it won’t be same). I’ve learned that I still have trust issues when it comes to friendship and relationship (because although you have treated people nicely, some people just wouldn’t have that consideration that you’re important for them), but I still think that if I treat people nicely while keeping my expectation low will guard me from being hurt.

No. I can’t tell whether I’ve surrendered and just embrace it.

But I can tell that I’m wiser and calmer.

I think.

Thank you 2013. Thank you 28. Thank you good people. Thank you God. J

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,

I hope you had the time of your life.

Green Day - Good Riddance