"
Breathe, keep breathing. Don't lose your nerve" -
Radiohead



Page 50: Protect me from what I can’t have

/ Thursday, March 10, 2011 /

“Dear God, please protect me from what I can’t have… Please”

Been uttering those words over and over again in my pray, since last year. And it’s becoming more often, lately. Right after regularly, “thank you, God, for keeping me alive. Please watch over me, those whom I love, and those who love me, and bless us with goodness…”

It helped me to cope with my broken heart, in the middle of 2010. The pain that came after I’ve decided to get over four years complicated, err, I really don’t know what label I should put on it. Well, of course I don’t know, otherwise I wouldn’t call it complicated, would I? Silly… x)

Let’s just call “it”, mixed feelings, shall we? Because, I really don’t know what he felt for me, at that time. Formerly, I knew he likes me. But we’re apart for a while, and that’s when I found difficulties to read him. Had asked him and he kept his mouth zipped. It would be much much easier, actually, if he just blurt it all out. Like, “no, I don’t have any special feeling for you anymore” or “I once had a thing for you, but it’s over now” or “you’re just a rebound each time I ended my relationship with someone, because I know you’ll always be there, waiting for me”. Yeah, it would be easier for me, if he just says it. But he didn’t. And it’s not his fault. Not entirely. I also had my contribution in that stupid twirls. That unhealthy foolish game.

At that point, I realized I can’t have him. That he doesn’t belong to me. *D’oh, where have you been?”* Yes, he gave me some affections, praised me, et cetera et cetera in the past. But what’s the point? Action speaks louder than words? Hmm, I’m not fully agreed with this anymore. I’m insensitive person. Guess I need a whole package: a pair of statement and treatment. Just between me and him, something personal and ours.

Okay, enough of this pathetic “commemoration” of me being idiot. What I’m trying to say is that I never mention about that protection in my pray when I was at that phase. That somehow, I let myself being clumsily unprotected by forgot to remind myself that, not all things I fancied belong to me. I still need The Almighty to protect me from my own desire that could destruct me.

Right now, I choose to cast the spell each time I remember a person, or something I want. Hope it’ll turn into some kind of precaution from getting hurt. That God will remove my passion from things I want but won’t be mine. I’m still a dreamer, thou, an arrogant one; hang my dreams up in the sky. :D
Guess I still remember the pain in the past. How my heart was the ransom. How it broke and how distraught I was when searching its pieces.

Let’s say, right now I’m just a bit tired.
At this time, it’s not only about someone, but for everything. Everything I want but (perhaps) I can’t have…
But I’m fine. Fine enough :)

13 comments:

{ divinatragedia } on: March 10, 2011 at 2:47 PM said...

ah, sepertinya gw harus bilang ke si sepupu sebelum gw bisa memulai hubungan yang lain..

ayo, semangaat istriku (bener kan kali ini?), semangaaaat untuk melanjutkan hidup dan bersenang-senang di dalamnya!

{ hertiana dwi putri } on: March 10, 2011 at 3:11 PM said...

ahahaha...
iyaaa, tapi jangan dipaksain kalo belom siap...kalo gua udah cape banget itu makanya "memperjelas". toh orangnya tetep diem, dan membuat gua mencari banyak coklat tengah malam supaya ga sedih *padahal emang laper :))

alhamdulillaaah,bener sebutannya, hehe...
iyalah, semangat, La Tristesse Ne Dure Pas, ya kan? ;)

{ tya tya } on: March 10, 2011 at 3:25 PM said...

@divinatragedia: lupa mau bilang, guwah nulis ini sambil ngedengerin foolish games nya Jewel banget lhooo! :))

{ laraskata } on: March 10, 2011 at 5:43 PM said...

hmm.... berharap si orang itu mengatakan sesuatu yang kita harap seharusnya dia katakan pada kita.... tapi... enggak pernah terjadi... sekian lama ditunggu... padahal sebenernya segalanya sudah jelas di depan mata dan barangkali sebetulnya sudah tak perlu lagi kata-kata yang diharapkan itu mungkin.... hmmm... kaya dejavu ni,ti.. *halah...astrisipencurhatcolongan :D

{ divinatragedia } on: March 10, 2011 at 6:12 PM said...

harus karaoke kayaknya ;p

{ hertiana dwi putri } on: March 11, 2011 at 12:56 PM said...

@astri: huahaha. curhat colongannya banyak juga gapapa, kok, manis... *hugs*
cast the spell: this too shall pass... you'll find another kind-hearted man, so much better than your ex, and he will see you just the way you see him :)

@shint: huahaha... karaoke? hmm..karaoke in the park? how's that sound to ya? :))

{ hertiana dwi putri } on: March 11, 2011 at 1:03 PM said...

@astri: dan sebenernya cuma antara lo sama dia aja udah cukup! ga minta juga seluruh jagat facebook tau. yang jujur aja ya kan gitu kan maunya ya kan? *lempar sendal ke foto seseorang
**udah gasuka tapi masih sebel kalo inget plinplan dan gajelasnya dia :))

{ divinatragedia } on: March 11, 2011 at 5:55 PM said...

ellaborate on picnic thingie dong, bbm! =]

{ hertiana dwi putri } on: March 11, 2011 at 6:31 PM said...

@shint: hmmm... ribet ga ya? huahahaha...
bbm tar malem aja, manisss...
aku masih ngantor inih :D

{ Maroon Ranger } on: March 11, 2011 at 8:12 PM said...

:) hal yang sama yang negbuat aku seringkali tiba2 setengah berteriak :
"laki lakii... laki lakiii... apalah mau kauuu"

2011 tya, waktunya kita ketemu lakilaki yg gak membingungkan. hanya menakjubkan.

{ hertiana dwi putri } on: March 11, 2011 at 8:19 PM said...

"2011 tya, waktunya kita ketemu lakilaki yg gak membingungkan. hanya menakjubkan." << siahauhaiyahayahaha... aku juga ngomong gitu k lia...tapi brenti di "duaribusebelas liiii..." abis itu bingung cari kata2 penyemangat lain.hahaha...
sometimes i wonder, was that some kind of bad karma for me? but what did i do? :))

{ language magpie } on: March 14, 2011 at 10:38 PM said...

udahlah, ikut nyanyi lagu shattered dreams-nya jimmy hates jazz aja, yuk *cough*

{ hertiana dwi putri } on: March 15, 2011 at 5:45 PM said...

ahahaha...
aku mau nyanyi positivitynya Suede ajaaaah :p

 
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