Page 313: Once Again

And 

once again

you threw

your little 

tired heart

to a person

who refused

to catch it.

image courtesy: battery_full

Page 239: Tired Heart

There’s a vague image of you and I sitting on a beach from a dream I had long time ago; a dream that had triggered my stupidity and grew some kind of odd interest in you. I haven’t removed it, but the interest has gone. The hope, to be exact. You’d drawn a bold line, and I respected your wish not to cross it. Obey the rule without hesitation until now, if I may add. But don’t ask me to go to other space where you and I can have loads of fun as friends this soon.

That’s too much for my tired heart.

Tori Amos - Merman

Page 66: This Is Not a Hate Mail

Do you know how much you’ve hurt me with all the lies that spattered from your mouth? What’s the truth about that girl? The one who made you run to me each time you broke up with her, in the past. That girl, the one you called “drama queen” and “a liar”. The one who also had hear your lies from the phone each time you’re with me and told her that you’re at home, or somewhere else, except with me. I’ve lost everything I’ve ever felt for you. Now I’m getting to lose my respect and trust too. Don’t worry; I’m still going to keep the secrets you had asked me too, every single of it. She won’t hear from me about our dinner, every message, or everything. Stop being paranoid with your “gentle reminder” over and over again. Stop telling me something as if I want to ruin your relationship with our “secret” as a cheesy strategy. Calm down, dude… I don’t want you anymore...

:)

Page 51: Petite Story of Feet

I like to take pictures of my feet. Wearing shoes, of course, because they don’t look pretty cute without ‘em. x)

Why? To remind myself when shite happens that, “hey, I’m still here.”

That I still have tools to go to places I want. Search things I crave. Create my own adventure. Walking, running, hopping, stomping, dancing, playing and learning. Sometimes these feet get tired, but somehow, I know they’ll be fine. And sometimes they get lost in this big and absurd carnival called life, but I believe they know when to stop and start to seek the right path.

Be strong, feet. Be good. :)

***

Interpol - "Heinrich Maneuver"

Ah, strut those shoes
We'll go roaming in the night

Page 50: Protect me from what I can’t have

“Dear God, please protect me from what I can’t have… Please”

Been uttering those words over and over again in my pray, since last year. And it’s becoming more often, lately. Right after regularly, “thank you, God, for keeping me alive. Please watch over me, those whom I love, and those who love me, and bless us with goodness…”

It helped me to cope with my broken heart, in the middle of 2010. The pain that came after I’ve decided to get over four years complicated, err, I really don’t know what label I should put on it. Well, of course I don’t know, otherwise I wouldn’t call it complicated, would I? Silly… x)

Let’s just call “it”, mixed feelings, shall we? Because, I really don’t know what he felt for me, at that time. Formerly, I knew he likes me. But we’re apart for a while, and that’s when I found difficulties to read him. Had asked him and he kept his mouth zipped. It would be much much easier, actually, if he just blurt it all out. Like, “no, I don’t have any special feeling for you anymore” or “I once had a thing for you, but it’s over now” or “you’re just a rebound each time I ended my relationship with someone, because I know you’ll always be there, waiting for me”. Yeah, it would be easier for me, if he just says it. But he didn’t. And it’s not his fault. Not entirely. I also had my contribution in that stupid twirls. That unhealthy foolish game.

At that point, I realized I can’t have him. That he doesn’t belong to me. *D’oh, where have you been?”* Yes, he gave me some affections, praised me, et cetera et cetera in the past. But what’s the point? Action speaks louder than words? Hmm, I’m not fully agreed with this anymore. I’m insensitive person. Guess I need a whole package: a pair of statement and treatment. Just between me and him, something personal and ours.

Okay, enough of this pathetic “commemoration” of me being idiot. What I’m trying to say is that I never mention about that protection in my pray when I was at that phase. That somehow, I let myself being clumsily unprotected by forgot to remind myself that, not all things I fancied belong to me. I still need The Almighty to protect me from my own desire that could destruct me.

Right now, I choose to cast the spell each time I remember a person, or something I want. Hope it’ll turn into some kind of precaution from getting hurt. That God will remove my passion from things I want but won’t be mine. I’m still a dreamer, thou, an arrogant one; hang my dreams up in the sky. :D
Guess I still remember the pain in the past. How my heart was the ransom. How it broke and how distraught I was when searching its pieces.

Let’s say, right now I’m just a bit tired.
At this time, it’s not only about someone, but for everything. Everything I want but (perhaps) I can’t have…
But I’m fine. Fine enough :)