“Dear God, please protect me from what I can’t have… Please”
Been uttering those words over and over again in my pray, since last year. And it’s becoming more often, lately. Right after regularly, “thank you, God, for keeping me alive. Please watch over me, those whom I love, and those who love me, and bless us with goodness…”
It helped me to cope with my broken heart, in the middle of 2010. The pain that came after I’ve decided to get over four years complicated, err, I really don’t know what label I should put on it. Well, of course I don’t know, otherwise I wouldn’t call it complicated, would I? Silly… x)
Let’s just call “it”, mixed feelings, shall we? Because, I really don’t know what he felt for me, at that time. Formerly, I knew he likes me. But we’re apart for a while, and that’s when I found difficulties to read him. Had asked him and he kept his mouth zipped. It would be much much easier, actually, if he just blurt it all out. Like, “no, I don’t have any special feeling for you anymore” or “I once had a thing for you, but it’s over now” or “you’re just a rebound each time I ended my relationship with someone, because I know you’ll always be there, waiting for me”. Yeah, it would be easier for me, if he just says it. But he didn’t. And it’s not his fault. Not entirely. I also had my contribution in that stupid twirls. That unhealthy foolish game.
At that point, I realized I can’t have him. That he doesn’t belong to me. *D’oh, where have you been?”* Yes, he gave me some affections, praised me, et cetera et cetera in the past. But what’s the point? Action speaks louder than words? Hmm, I’m not fully agreed with this anymore. I’m insensitive person. Guess I need a whole package: a pair of statement and treatment. Just between me and him, something personal and ours.
Okay, enough of this pathetic “commemoration” of me being idiot. What I’m trying to say is that I never mention about that protection in my pray when I was at that phase. That somehow, I let myself being clumsily unprotected by forgot to remind myself that, not all things I fancied belong to me. I still need The Almighty to protect me from my own desire that could destruct me.
Right now, I choose to cast the spell each time I remember a person, or something I want. Hope it’ll turn into some kind of precaution from getting hurt. That God will remove my passion from things I want but won’t be mine. I’m still a dreamer, thou, an arrogant one; hang my dreams up in the sky. :D
Guess I still remember the pain in the past. How my heart was the ransom. How it broke and how distraught I was when searching its pieces.
Let’s say, right now I’m just a bit tired.
At this time, it’s not only about someone, but for everything. Everything I want but (perhaps) I can’t have…
But I’m fine. Fine enough :)
