Page 306: Ayu Larasati, Pottery, and Finding a Little Piece of Peace

Once, one of my good friends said that to keep your sanity in a crazy city like Jakarta is to appreciate little moments. And if you can’t find them, make them.

So I decided to do something calming before I started my new job: pottery class. A private one. With my friend, the talented potter Ayu Larasati. Oh you don’t know her? Well I do *insert smug face here :p

I met Ayu when Nike, one of the founders of LivingLoving invited me to come to this watercolor painting workshop she arranged with Ayang Cempaka as the tutor. I’m a fan of Ayang Cempaka, so I came just to see her and told her that I love her works. You know, cliche thing that a fan would say to her idol.

Nike then showed me where to sit while waiting for Ayang – so i sat in front of this cute-sweet-looking girl. Later i found out that she had been living in Canada for years before she got back to Indonesia and that she's a potter who used to be a product designer.

Long story short, we became friends. And a week before my first day at this new place, I stayed at her home and visited her new studio to hone my skill in pottery making. I took a pottery class one time, and I made a fugly unicorn mug that is still somewhere in that studio in South Jakarta. Gosh, it’s been a year and I still am abandoning that mug. *sigh

Anyway, it was really nice to spend times with Ayu. I had so much fun. I learned to make bowls and cups. I learned a little bit about firing and glazing. I laughed when I heard her talking to her supplier and ordered 50 kg of clay as if it’s nothing. I heard her little boy criticizing my work because his mom can do better. I learned the art of letting yourself immerse in silence, to be patient, and to find peace when making things with your bare hands but they end up not as perfect as you thought they would be. 

Her works remind me of the japanese philosophy, shibui/ shibumi – where you learn to appreciate pretty thing more than its appearance, but also the inner beauty, the strength, the feeling when you touch it.

So, thank you, my dear Ayu. For everything. I’ll be back for glazing them. And catching up, of course. :)

Page 305: Delicate December

December always affects me in a weird way.

It makes me (want to) do crazy stuff, it invites inexplicable anxiety and nurture it to grow, it scares me a little bit because it has this ability to reminds me that in a month I’ll be a year older than I am right now. It’s like an evil giant clock that haunts me.

It makes me think more about the plight of being mortal.

And fate, fate..always finds a way to lure and encourage me to do some obnoxious shit and be (more) reckless. Like that afternoon..that breezy afternoon when I was ready to do thing that I usually won’t commit to. A thing that I planned to be my closure if the chance was there.

To end some clandestine adventure that I’ve started.
To draw a new map that will take me to a new place where I can nurture some kind of serenity.
To start a new chapter and to feel brave again.

But fate..fate also knows how to brag about how powerful it can be – wipes all expectations and makes you feel stupid and like..shit. Haha.

And I giggled as soon as I’ve crashed into bed that night. I laughed at my own stupid mission. A stupid-failed-mission. An epic one, actually.

Pretty funny, though. Just add a bunch of bitchy and silly comments and I can keep the reputation as the laughing stock.

But I’m glad that I’ve challenged myself and decided to give it a try.

And as my mind rode the black unicorn to the dream land, I wondered..
”has anyone ever told him that he kind of smells like something delicate and creamy?”

Weep, little lion man,

You're not as brave as you were at the start

Page 304: Sometimes (part 32)

Hope will always be this elusive captivating vortex for her

– some kind of gate that can drag anyone to an enigmatic realm where reality can kill dreams in a heartbeat and serves them on a plate to feed each damaged starving soul.

She weaves the safety net to keep her away from it, even from its gleam.
She has preserved memories in a jar where she can taste a few drops of mirth when she needs it 

– the timidity that helps her to survive.

Sometimes, she closes her eyes as her heart whispers to an image of him, 

“You will always be a ghost flickering behind my eyelids when I sleep*. 

You're the myth I chose to keep.”

*from a prose written by Kriz of jktxnyc

Page 303: The Hourglass

I can see the fear in her eyes
and the pain every time a new tear glided on her cheek,
the rage when she was describing the incident
and the shame when she was blaming herself for horrible thing that happened to her.

I kept telling her over and over that it’s not her fault. The one who must be blamed is her rapist. I hugged her and said that is going to be okay – the mother of all white lies, the thing that I can’t actually promise. Told her that there are still good people who are willing to help her and care about her. That she needs to keep filling the hourglass with the spirit to continue her life and fight for her future. That it’s not the end.

She looked at herself in the mirror. She said she’s afraid that the hourglass couldn’t contain all rage and despair and agony she has, and it will break.
It will break eventually.

Page 302: To Be Known

 "I go on dates with men who are nice and good-looking and smart – perfect-on-paper men who make me feel like I’m in a foreign land, trying to explain myself, trying to make myself known. Because isn’t that the point of every relationship: to be known by someone else, to be understood? He gets me. She gets me. Isn’t that the simple magic phrase?

So you suffer through the night with the perfect-on-paper man – the stutter of jokes misunderstood, the witty remarks lobbed and missed. Or maybe he understands that you’ve made a witty remark but, unsure of what to do with it, he holds it in his hand like some bit of conversational phlegm he will wipe away later. You spend another hour trying to find each other, to recognise each other, and you drink a little too much and try a little too hard. And you go home to a cold bed and think, That was fine. And your life is a long line of fine.”  

- Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl

I'm scared of Amy Dunne, but to be honest, some part of me admires her as well.

Page 301: Current Addiction (Part 18)

The National

Heavenfaced

Pink Rabbits

Some random opinion: this is a perfect companion for The Book of Bunny Suicides

Page 300: Anger

“You sound like an angry feminist,” he said, after we talked about how society is still more lenient on men when it comes to expressing sexuality and showing the rights to our bodies.

About rape and victim blaming.
About street harassment.
About being pro-choice.
About slut and prude shaming.
About how sometimes we lie about having boyfriend because some men don’t understand “no, I’m not interested in you. Period” when they ask us to go out on a date. Seriously, are we some kinda things that should have owners and when we’re single it means that we’re available?

“Maybe I am. I have the right to be angry. I just wish that someday my anger would contribute to change things I’m frustrated with,” I said.

image courtesy: http://www.terre-des-femmes.ch/en/

Page 299: Specimens

"In my solitude I have pondered much on the incomprehensible subjects of space, eternity, life and death." 
- Alfred Russel Wallace -

Went to the Salihara Gallery to see the 125,660 SPECIMENS OF NATURAL HISTORY and there was a time when I was alone and being in that room filled with zoological specimens made me shiver and i felt a weird sensation crawled through my spine

Don’t get me wrong, it’s an enticing exhibition, but seeing those specimens was like a portrait of how human being tries to understand their existence by conquering and preserving nature, while still carrying questions in our heads and struggling with all damage we do.

Sounds a little morbid, I know.

Page 298: Sometimes (part 31)

Once I read this crazy news about a guy who attacked a woman because her "happiness" angered him.

As much as I sympathized for the victim, I felt sorry for that man and hoped that he would be able to absorb happiness again. And somehow I understood his anger. His depression caused by this life. I’m not saying that it’s okay to hurt people just because you envy them, but sometimes life gives you too much burden on your back, inexplicable suffocating problems and riddles that make suggestions like “be patient” or “everything will be okay” sound incredibly stupid.

Sometimes, life is a cruel joke.
A very cruel one.

And I know that I can survive

I'll walk through fire to save my life

And I want it, I want my life so bad

I'm doing everything I can

Then another one bites the dust

It's hard to lose a chosen one

You did not break me

I'm still fighting for peace

Page 297: Sometimes (part 30)

Sometimes you need to listen to a bit-cheesy-yet-classic-good pop song to realize how silly your relationship was and to remind yourself to get back to reality.
That it has gone south.
That it's asymmetrical.
That it was probably never there anyway.

Wake up.

Maybe there's no way we could feel each other's pain. 

Tell me why it gets harder to know where I stand.

Page 296: Current Addiction (Part 17): Novo Amor

The first time I saw the Axe Black commercial, the soundtrack attracted me immediately. The search began and thanks to google, it wasn’t hard to find the owner of that dreamy voice: Novo Amor. I played Welcome to the Jungle (originally sang by Guns N’ Roses) over and over while I was (illegally hehe) downloading other songs from this British musician who started out working as an experimental sound designer.

His music reminds me of Bon Iver’s with a little touch of Sigur Ros’. Enchanting voice, a little bit murky lyrics, nevertheless is still soothing.

Enjoy.

Page 295: Grow

Once Heraclitus said, “The only thing that is constant is change.”

As you grow older, you will discover that it's true. That you will change. Your parents, family and closest friends they will or have changed, and will keep changing – deliberately or not, slightly or boldly. The way they perceive things, the way they see life, the way they do things that they think work best for them, and reasons why they did and chose things.

You might not like it. But it’s inevitable.

And it’s important to understand that you and them are fallible.
It’s important to understand that they might have decided to choose paths that are different from yours.
It’s important to try to understand that they have their own considerations and have thought about the consequences.
It’s important to understand that it’s okay as long as they don’t hurt themselves or join terrorists group.
It’s important to understand that things that make you happy might not work for them, or even entice them.
It’s important to understand that perhaps life has given them unimaginable challenges and pressures that made them throw everything they used to have faith in.

Sometimes all you have to do is be with them, share comforting stories as well as a laugh or two – embrace the moment. 

It’s hard not to judge, but it’s not that difficult to hold the judgment inside.

Sometimes, all you have to do is try to understand that when people grow, they grow apart.

Page 294: Sometimes (Part 29)

Sometimes, for her,
a beautiful day means hearing rain keeps pouring down outside when she curls up in bed.
In her imagination, she got this knife to cut out the memories.

For her, even some good memories can be deceitful and poisonous.
Even memory has an expiry date.

image courtesy: helen cherry

Page 293: Birdman

Have you seen Birdman: Or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)? If you haven't, go watch it. It's brilliant. One of the best black comedy-drama films i've ever seen.

One of my favorite scenes from the film was when Riggan (played by Michael Keaton) confronts Tabitha (played by Lindsay Duncan). It's a satire on critics and celebrity status.

Riggan: You write a couple of paragraphs and you know what? None of this cost you fuckin' anything! The Fuck! You risk nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! I'm a fucking actor! This play cost me everything... So I tell you what, you take this fucked malicious cowardly shitty written review and you shove that right the fuck up your wrinkly tight ass.

Tabitha: You're no actor, you're a celebrity. Let's be clear on that. I'm gonna kill your play.

Another favorite scene..when Mike (Edward Norton) told Sam (Emma Stone)..this:

Page 292: Traverse

She’s been trying to silence the vociferous thoughts inside her head lately – her usual vociferous thoughts. She also has been training herself to eradicate the feeling that crawls in every time she remembers that one fine afternoon. She should’ve let that mixture of weary and delight go when he left. She used to have that ability to remove some feelings by being logical. It protects her from getting hurt. She summoned it a few times lately. She needs it now so she could traverse through time.

Thrill of mortal fright.

All we have is time, but my heart is going numb

And nobody likes to wait

Page 291: Birthday Trip to Gili

Bleeding knee and head full of wishes. It was midnight in Gili. 10 minutes before I accidentally hit a guy -- I blame it on that stupid bike, besides of course, my stupidity too. I turned 30 and I sat on the beach. In front of me were the dark water and the dark sky.

“Now what? What’s next?” said the voices inside my head. I didn't answer it, but I promised that I would keep chasing things that I think will make me a happier person. And to keep this tradition, too: having a birthday trip ever year, to remind myself that life is a journey, and as long as I’m breathing, I will do what I love and do things that make me feel alive.

This year, I decided to go to Gili. 4 days 3 nights. I took a fast boat from Bali (IDR350,000) and stayed at Denaya Lodge (500,000/ day).

Gili was amazing. I snorkeled (IDR100,000 a day), I rode bike (IDR70,000/ day), I saw a big turtle in the sea, I giggled uncontrollably when I saw crabs on the beach (no, i didn't consume the magic mushroom. I just thought that it's hilarious) and I had tons of fun with two amazing people. My life isn't perfect but I thank God for everything that I have and everyone in my life. Getting older doesn't mean that you have to let go of things that make you happy just because some people told you to do so. As long as it doesn't against the law, do it. Seriously, I think you should just do it. Do things that make you happy, learn things that can make you a wiser person, and be kind. People will say whatever they wanna say anyway so just live your life, because it's yours. Embrace, explore, enjoy. And again, thank you, everyone, for the birthday wishes and gifts. 

Page 290: Little.Tender.Morsels

Expecting is the worst part.

It’s a hybrid of waiting and wanting. Where your imagination pretends as if it’s an oracle. Where time is – and will always be – the divine entity that can turn you into fragments of thing that ponders and wonders.

Littletendermorsels.