Page 321: The Ultimate Expression

He was a stranger that happened to be one my closest friends’ good friend. I heard stories about him. About the depression he had, and how he’d been trying to fight it before he shot himself. I never met him, but one night, a few days after his death, I cried for him. I cried for anyone that committed suicide. I cried for everyone who’s still dealing with the urge to check out early. I understand depression. I understand loneliness. I know the irksome feeling that comes from not knowing why you can’t be happy with a life that people perceive as a good life. But before that night, I didn’t think that somehow I would understand suicide.  

It’s logical, isn’t it? In a way. It's like the ultimate expression of free will. It's like..leaving a room that you've been living in since you could remember although you knew that you never signed anything to be placed in that room. And then you realized it's a shitty room. And there's an unlocked door to leave it forever. When you don't believe that the afterlife exists, and you constantly feel this pain, but you don't know why, it makes sense that you just want to vanish, right?

Right.

Page 133: Last Lullaby

Perhaps there were intricate words in her head. Floating in abstract movement and left her no choices except mumbling and said discreetly in her head, in her heart; because perhaps that was all she could do. For kept screaming but no one listened. For being tormented soul that sang lullaby to accompanied her through nightmares, even when she awakened. The lullaby and prayers couldn’t expel the pain. Perhaps…

So she lost her appetite to choose path for her own life. The burdens in her chest were too much to handle. So she chose death, through rat poison which she swallowed to end all suffers. What’s the different between suicide and obligation to face your rapist every day, as husband; the despicable and abusive ones?

This story is real. It’s not a movie, novel, or crazy plot inside someone’s mind. “She” is real. Her name is Amina Filali. This 16-year-old girl, killed herself on March 10, after being severely beaten during a forced marriage to her rapist.

Zohra Filali the mother of rape victim, Amina Filali who committed suicide on March 10, shows a picture of her daughter

According to Avaaz, Article 475, in Morocco’s penal code allows a rapist to avoid prosecution and a long prison sentence by marrying his victim if she is a minor. Since 2006, the government has promised to strike this down and pass legislation prohibiting violence against women, but it hasn't happened. When Amina was brutally raped, her family reported it to officials in their town of Larache. Instead of prosecuting the rapist, the court allowed him the option of marrying his victim-- and Amina's family agreed to the proposal.

Sometimes such insanity makes me wonder what kind of monster that dancing upon a throne inside their hearts; those rapists and that society that embrace such a sick culture. Marrying your own rapist? Honor killing? And still blaming woman? What kind of law is that? Islam? Oh, please, I'm so tired of hearing about people using religion to justify the terrible things they do. Cut it off, fraud!

No more words to spill in this writing. This case is another sadness that represents how rot human souls can be.

Dear God, I know most of the people say that suicide is an unforgivable sin. But I know You are the fairest, the Almighty. Please keep her soul safe.

Rest in peace, dear Amina. I hope all prays for you are your last lullaby. Amen.

---

If you want to take action to bring justice for rape victims and protections for women and children, sign the petition here.
More News:
Jezebel - Moroccan Women Rally Against Horrible Rape-Marry Law
BBC - Morocco Protest After Raped Amina Filali Kills Herself
Huffingtonpost - Amina Filali, Morocco Rape Victim, Commits Suicide After Forced Marriage To Rapist 

Page 39: The Lesson Today is How to Die*

Just because what you did was wrong, doesn't mean that giving up on your life is right.

-The United States of Leland-

That’s one of my most favorite quotes in the movie, because it stands out to fight all of the negative but clever words that came from Leland, the main character.

I think it wasn’t merely drama movie, but also contains hidden horror ingredients. It’s quite scary movie; because the thoughts of sadness, nothingness, and death was served in such an elegant yet simple way. It has a translucent statement, that die is better than live in a pathetic life when you think that you’re a miserable human being and people do think so. It brought up some kind of delicate approval to design your own death when you couldn’t bear the agony. Subtle provocations that “checked out” earlier from this world, or kill somebody to erase his/her pain were…okay.

image: Suicide by Celticwillow

Few days ago my friend, Bege, wrote in his facebook status, about a man whose wife commits suicide because she couldn’t stand being poor. It’s such a tragic story. Even your children couldn’t be the reason for you to hang on in this life.
But the man moved on. Keep working to fulfill the basic necessities of their children. Thank God he did. He’s the living lesson about survival, love, and responsibility in this imperfect world.

Yes, life is far from perfect, indeed.
And there’s no such thing called “happily ever after” in real life. But same thing happen with sadness, anyway.
They share the same throne. Sometimes happiness rules the kingdom, other times sadness is the king.
In life, alteration is constant. And uncertainty is definite.
There's always a chance things change drastically in an instant.
Good things turns to bad. Vice versa.
So when everything seems went wrong, it doesn’t mean that life is not worth for living anymore. It doesn't mean that die is the only answer. Some people say suicide is an option. But "option" means it's just one way among others. You can choose to die, or think about how you want to die, or you can choose and think about how to live your life. Because, hey, guess what, at the end, you'll die.. Why rushing?

Just “Breathe. Keep breathing. Don’t lose your nerve…” **
Breathe...

---

*taken from “I Don’t Like Mondays” by Tori Amos
**pretty line from "Exit Music(For a Film)" by Radiohead

P.S. So here’s some kind of puzzle about suicide. I was raised with the thought that suicide is one of those sins which God won’t have mercy upon. But if God had wrote your destiny, and death was something that you can’t avoid because it already been scheduled and destined, wouldn’t suicide also part of the big plan? I couldn’t find the answer ‘til now, so I guess I have to put that somewhere in my head, labeled it with “Wallahu allam bissawab” sticky note.