Page 267: Fragments of Trust

Deep down inside I always know that I have trust issue when it comes to friendship or any kind of emotional bond with people. It takes more than months, sometimes years, to be able to tell someone how I really feel about something. It’s more than kindness or just fun moments that we’ve shared to be able to trust them, rely on them for certain things, tell them problems that torture me. Although I believe in something called chemistry and it would help me to take off the thorny fence. Still, for me, the transaction of trust isn’t as simple as exchanging kindness. I can be super nice to people who treat me nicely, even if I don’t fully trust them. Help them when they need me, even if I don’t really like them. I rarely instantly decide to dislike a person, though. Try my best not to absorb the bitterness.

But trust is a different case. It’s in a different area. It always comes with the fear of betrayal. And just like love, when it’s unrequited, it causes pain, causes invisible wound. Don’t you think not to be able to gain trust from someone whom you trust is another form of betrayal too? I think it is.

If the Divine master plan is perfection

Maybe next I'll give Judas a try

Page 241: A Sorta Fairytale

"Music is the shorthand of emotion."

-Tolstoy-

 

Remind me of the good old days when i used to have that dream to be a great journalist.

Page 239: Tired Heart

There’s a vague image of you and I sitting on a beach from a dream I had long time ago; a dream that had triggered my stupidity and grew some kind of odd interest in you. I haven’t removed it, but the interest has gone. The hope, to be exact. You’d drawn a bold line, and I respected your wish not to cross it. Obey the rule without hesitation until now, if I may add. But don’t ask me to go to other space where you and I can have loads of fun as friends this soon.

That’s too much for my tired heart.

Tori Amos - Merman

Page 39: The Lesson Today is How to Die*

Just because what you did was wrong, doesn't mean that giving up on your life is right.

-The United States of Leland-

That’s one of my most favorite quotes in the movie, because it stands out to fight all of the negative but clever words that came from Leland, the main character.

I think it wasn’t merely drama movie, but also contains hidden horror ingredients. It’s quite scary movie; because the thoughts of sadness, nothingness, and death was served in such an elegant yet simple way. It has a translucent statement, that die is better than live in a pathetic life when you think that you’re a miserable human being and people do think so. It brought up some kind of delicate approval to design your own death when you couldn’t bear the agony. Subtle provocations that “checked out” earlier from this world, or kill somebody to erase his/her pain were…okay.

image: Suicide by Celticwillow

Few days ago my friend, Bege, wrote in his facebook status, about a man whose wife commits suicide because she couldn’t stand being poor. It’s such a tragic story. Even your children couldn’t be the reason for you to hang on in this life.
But the man moved on. Keep working to fulfill the basic necessities of their children. Thank God he did. He’s the living lesson about survival, love, and responsibility in this imperfect world.

Yes, life is far from perfect, indeed.
And there’s no such thing called “happily ever after” in real life. But same thing happen with sadness, anyway.
They share the same throne. Sometimes happiness rules the kingdom, other times sadness is the king.
In life, alteration is constant. And uncertainty is definite.
There's always a chance things change drastically in an instant.
Good things turns to bad. Vice versa.
So when everything seems went wrong, it doesn’t mean that life is not worth for living anymore. It doesn't mean that die is the only answer. Some people say suicide is an option. But "option" means it's just one way among others. You can choose to die, or think about how you want to die, or you can choose and think about how to live your life. Because, hey, guess what, at the end, you'll die.. Why rushing?

Just “Breathe. Keep breathing. Don’t lose your nerve…” **
Breathe...

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*taken from “I Don’t Like Mondays” by Tori Amos
**pretty line from "Exit Music(For a Film)" by Radiohead

P.S. So here’s some kind of puzzle about suicide. I was raised with the thought that suicide is one of those sins which God won’t have mercy upon. But if God had wrote your destiny, and death was something that you can’t avoid because it already been scheduled and destined, wouldn’t suicide also part of the big plan? I couldn’t find the answer ‘til now, so I guess I have to put that somewhere in my head, labeled it with “Wallahu allam bissawab” sticky note.