Page 369: The Good Place

As a far-from-pious person of faith with a complicated relationship with God, I instantly fell for this series the first time I watched it a year ago.

Eleanor really resonates with how I feel about the thoughts of hoomans judgment system in the after life, (like, it's really hard, or even impossible, to win), if the system does exist (I've told you I have a complicated relationship with God, I believe that afterlife exists, but it's also logical to agree that I could be wrong) 😬.

Anyway, can't wait for season 3!

Page 368: That Kinda Imaginary Scenario

“3 sessions a week and you’ll see the result pretty soon. I’ve been doing it and I’ve lost 4 kilos in 2 months” said the lady I met on my first Muay Thai session. I just smiled and told her that being slim was not my only goal. That what I wanted more was to stay healthy, strong and be more confident. I also told her I read somewhere that self-defense class was a good way to maintain your confidence to stand up for yourself. To train yourself to be stronger. And because more often than not, yoga makes me sleepy. She made something with her face that almost looked like a smile and uttered a sarcastic “mmm..okay mmh-huh”. Pretty much like this ↓

I wasn’t annoyed because I thought she thought I was fat. I was more..baffled. And then I heard that voice that nobody else but me could hear, “why did she react like that, like she didn’t believe that I signed up for the class because I wanted to be healthy too? Did she think I’m that kinda woman who would shame other women who care a lot about their appearance? Did she think I judge her? Etc etc”.

I was about to text my bf about that, but before I hit the send button, I stopped, and then deleted the whole sentences. Because I knew he would say something like..it’s probably just in my head and the “mmm..okay mmh-huh” meant nothing, followed by some encouragement to get over it because it wouldn’t affect my motivation or my life in general. Because I knew that it was just me allowing that kinda imaginary scenario to take over my brain.

image courtesy: here

It’s one of the things that I admire from him, made me fall for him and envy him: he always tries to see the best in people first and don’t overthink what people would think about him, especially strangers. 

But when you have some (self-diagnosed) anxiety disorder, you tend to overanalyze things. I’m not trying to make it as a justification for my oddity (well, maybe a little bit, heheh), but it’s still hard to control it, sometimes. And with this case, it’s probably because I still see that some women still shaming other women for being..not in the middle. When you’re too skinny because somehow you just can’t get fat, they shame you. When you embrace your curves or big physique, they say you’re promoting obesity. When you enjoy casual sex, you get slut shaming. When you declare your vow of chastity, some women prude shaming you. When you love make-up, they say you are fixated on your looks and just wanna attract some potential partners. And don’t get me started with working moms vs stay-at-home moms.

So sometimes, those thoughts above give birth to tiny bad thought of what will happen to me about being judged and bullied by others. And when my anxiety and hate of being judged by other people work together to babysit and nurture it, it becomes something I overthink about. 

Yes, I'm in love with her work. image courtesy: petunia.byisatg

Sometimes, telling myself that “other people’s judgments are actually inconsequential to my life and I’m not defined by them” calms me down. But sometimes, it takes time to tame it. I hope I’m getting better at it.

Page 367: Just Another Random Note

Been a nomad for a while..it's kinda fun (visited different cities, stayed in hotels, free food, extra money from per diem, etc) and I learned a lot from these opportunities..met some artists, human rights activists, creativists, people from CSOs and visited a cool safe house for people who have been discriminated against..but it's also for work, which means..it's still tiring somehow. 

I miss having slow mornings where I don’t have to check event rundowns or to do list. Haha. I miss not thinking or hearing how vengeful some people in this country can be – which is something I can’t avoid, since I work for an organization that focuses on human rights issues and conflict resolution. And I miss one of my homes whose heart is beating thousands of miles away right now.

The good thing is, I haven’t cried because I feel overwhelmed or worried about some plans. Every time I start to feel like I’m about to imagine the worst in the future that can drag me into anxiety vortex, I do deep breathing and listen to Westworld Opening Theme Song. That song soothes me somehow. So yeah, hopefully everything goes well.

Page 366: BLORFT

How I've been feeling lately.. 

That..and feel inadequate..

..and anxious about some big plan that I wish I could execute next year..

Oh lordylord..

Page 365: Love Language

When it comes to human interaction, I like to have some tools that help me to understand people better. As an INTP, reading emotions is not where I shine. Especially when these emotions are not part of people I'm interested in. Haha.

For example, I asked my close friends about their MBTI personality types; my boyfriend about his, a week after I realized I liked him; I also asked my colleagues and told them that I'm an INTP and sometimes offer them useful articles that explain the absurdity of INTPs. Hah. I think to know things like this would be very useful to communicate with them. Although I know that  people with the same MBTI type can have different ways of approaching problems.

Last week I read about this article on the importance of knowing your primary love language as well as languages of other people you care about. Not just the one(s) you're having a romantic relationship with, but also close friends and family members.

I think it's interesting because when your loved one can't understand how to make you feel that you're loved although they have expressed it, maybe it's because both of you have different primary love languages.

So I took the test.
And this was my result.

I asked my S.O and a close friend to take it. And his primary language was Physical Touch, followed by Quality Time and Gifts. 

The results gave me a better understanding of him and our dynamic. For example, it took us 7 months to say the big 3 words to each other, because words of affirmation, although the score for it was quite high, it's still not my primary language. Or how happy I was to see that he had changed the broken bidet spray with the new one. So most of the time we choose to articulate love by action or quality time.

When I asked my close friend to take the test, the result gave me a deeper understanding of her. I know her really well, but reading the result gave me that "aah..so that's why.." moment. 

Anyway, what I want to emphasize is..this test is pretty helpful for friendship and or relationship. So..yeah. Take the test! It's free anyway! :D

Page 364: On Being a Good Friend

One time I shared a story with one of my good friends, about a guy who didn’t understand why his childhood friends cut his out of their lives when they were a bunch of teenagers. The writer never knew the real reason(s). He explained his assumptions, although he didn’t label them as assumptions. What he emphasized was how he got through it by investing his disappointment and time into something positive. He didn’t try to find out why his friends abandoned him, or so I assumed based on his writing. My friend and I then talked whether we’ve done the kind of stuff, I said I’ve never done it. I guess with me, it usually happens organically, it’s about two other people growing apart and decided to take different paths. I’m not saying it’s not sad, it’s just..it happens sometimes. And maybe it’s sad because I was the one who got cut out by. Haha.

Sometimes I ask why, just to make sure whether the person pushes me out or not. Because I realized reading emotion is not where I shine. Sometimes I don’t. Because it’s obvious. As obvious as when there are only 3 people in the room and you’re the person C and the person A only asks person B what s/he wanna eat and what’s new in his/her life and ignores person C a.k.a you. Haha.

But as I get older, just like that dude, I invest my disappointment and confusion into something positive and to be more empathetic. I see a condition from a different perspective while trying to be a better friend. Even if it means to let some of my friends go.

Because right now, to me, being a good friend is more than just the amount of time you and your friend(s) spend together. What more important – and probably my #1 rule – is that you’re there when your friends need you the most (and ask for it, because it’s easier that way since we’re not Professor X): a shoulder to cry on, a drinking buddy who tries to stay sober to keep them safe, someone who lifts them up when they’re down, be happy for their achievements and happiness, someone who lends them money when you have more than enough while they’re almost broke. You don’t have to be the funniest, the most fun one, or the smartest. In short: be the tool to help them find peace. Even if it means that they want to keep the distance from you, because they think that’s the only way they can be content and happier, for whatever explanations they have. Sometimes, that’s all you can give. Sometimes, you just have to let them go to help them grow. That’s the gesture of kindness too, and it’s not wrong to put it first.

Page 363: On Acceptance

Sadness has its elusive way to attract some sort of creativity, I think. At least for me. Maybe because when we’re sad, we need to get rid of the burden, and by expressing it – hoping that it will help us to understand the issues better – we also enable the disposal. Or maybe because it simply pushes us to do something, an effort to take our mind off it, too. To me, sadness makes me to produce more writings. Not all of them were good, of course. Haha. But some of them were beautiful.

This morning I read my writings in 2016, the most turbulent year in my life so far. And despite all the curses here and there, they’re beautiful in a way. It’s the year that made me decide that 2017 should be about acceptance. Just go with the flow and open myself up to any possibilities.

It’s 2018 already and I realized that 2017 was indeed a year of acceptance.

I accepted that self-love takes time. That the road to learn that you’re enough can be rocky and daunting. That as much as recognition from other people can help you to understand that you’re enough, the acknowledgment comes from within. I learned to remind myself over and over that “I am enough, but I can improve myself on some things. I want to improve myself”. It took a heartbreak, a journey to self-pitying abyss, the “I wish I was prettier, funnier and smarter” repetition to understand that I wasn’t the only one to blame for exhausting relationships I had in the past. I learned that you can’t be everyone’s favorite and that’s okay. I learned what matters to me, and what’s in me that matters to me.

I accepted the fact that I used to spend a lot of time thinking of the past or future, more than I should have. Sometimes, subconsciously, I dwell on intrusive memories of the past - a vortex of things I could've or should've done. Sometimes, I also let myself to frantically think about what may or may not happen in the future. As much as I'm aware that sometimes preparing yourself for the worst isn't completely a bad idea, I also have realized to some degree, it can be unhealthy. That instead of motivates you to be a better person, it makes you to not being grateful of what you have right now – of things that other people wish to have. I accepted that there will be imperfection on each journey, there will be exhaustion and obstacles. But there will be experience too. There will be lessons. And by not living in the present, I may never harvest them because I don't realize when I'm encountering them.

I accepted that my concept of fun may not fit with what others have embraced as fun. Haha. For example, I learned that gossip session filled with petty judgment is inconsequential to me, that talking about other people’s flaws is different from discussing human behavior and problems and learn from it. I admit that in the past, I did judge some people based on their social media posts, but in 2017 I learned that it’s my insecurity and perhaps jealousy that spoke, a manifestation of lack of self-love, too. I’m glad I found a way to tame it.

I accepted that it’s okay to be seen as not so smart when I’m involved in a discussion. And to admit that I don’t know or not familiar with some topic. As an INTP, it’s hard, because this breed really values intelligence therefore it used to be my way to see that I’m worthy. But it made me forgot that what’s more important is to grow and learn. A person who seems not so smart in the present may not be like that in the next 2 or 3 months.

I accepted that I had distorted thought about a better romantic partner. That s/he is simply not the one who’s richer, more successful in a conventional way, or better looking than your previous partner(s). [Although my new one is cuter than my old ones, heehee]. But the one who supports you to be a wiser and more content person and has the same intention to be a better person, too. And holds the same values. I know the feeling, when you want to get a partner who makes other people think that s/he’s a catch, because somehow it reflects that you must be special, too. I’ve been there. But I’ve learned my values too and what kinda person I need, what makes this person special to me. And I’ve learned that to be wanted is different with to be loved. I once misread my own feeling towards this guy. I thought I fell for him. But then I was lucky enough to realize that it’s just part of me that wanted a story after not having one for long, because moving on from him was easy and fast. And although I liked him, I never felt the warmth and tranquility like what I feel when I’m with my boyfriend.

So, cheers to 2017. I don’t know what to call 2018 yet. Maybe it’s the sign that I should stop labeling year. Just improve myself, channeling negative feelings to something positive whenever I have them, and stay kind. And hope that each step I take will lead me to fascinating journeys and help me to grow, and find pieces of serenity.

Page 362: Her Morning Elegance

The beautiful song that always calms me down yet somehow makes me contemplate a little bit during rainy day.

The thunder makes her contemplate

She hears a noise behind the gate

Perhaps a letter with a dove

Perhaps a stranger she could love

And she fights for her life

As she puts on her coat

And she fights for her life on the train

She looks at the rain as it pours

Page 361: Perjalanan Singkat ke Dua Kota di Thailand

Dua puluh tujuh. Usia ketika kali pertama saya memutuskan untuk memulai tradisi “birthday trip” di minggu yang menyelipkan tanggal kelahiran saya. Pengingat bahwa hidup harus terus melaju. Bahwa hidup bukan hanya Jakarta, kota tempat saya lahir, dibesarkan, dan kembali ditempati selepas kuliah di kota lain. Karena hidup tak lain adalah perjalanan, di mana bukan hanya kaki yang melangkah dari satu titik ke titik lainnya dan menuai lelah di raga, tapi juga pikiran dan jiwa yang mereguk pengalaman dan pelajaran. Lewat tempat baru, situasi baru, orang baru.

Bagi saya, ada kenikmatan menjadi orang asing di tempat asing. Berinteraksi dengan orang lain walau sejenak. Namun yang paling saya nikmati adalah interaksi dengan diri saya sendiri. Tentang memori, tentang perjalanan yang sudah lewat, tentang hidup. Kontemplasi, saat melihat wajah-wajah yang saya tidak tahu namanya di keramaian dengan secangkir kopi yang saya tangkup dengan kedua telapak tangan. Kadang saya teringat kata teman saya kalau mungkin saya sudah bisa punya rumah dan mobil sendiri kalau penghasilan tidak dikeluarkan untuk jalan-jalan. Kalau saya sudah seharusnya menabung untuk masa depan dan mengurangi “hobi” itu. Haha. Karena walaupun tradisi jalan-jalan pada saat bertambah usia baru dimulai lima tahun lalu, jauh sebelumnya saya memang sudah menikmati aktivitas menjelajah tempat baru.

Mungkin teman saya ada benarnya. Tapi kalau saya tidak melakukan perjalanan ke Bali di pertengahan tahun ini mungkin saya tidak akan bertemu sosok itu. Dia, yang mengajarkan saya untuk berani lagi memulai komitmen baru dan belajar untuk mempercayai orang lain, tapi terutama diri saya sendiri, bahwa perjalanan yang kami mulai akan membuat kami menjadi dua individu yang lebih baik. Dia yang akhirnya menjadi rekan saya menjelajah tiga tempat terakhir yang saya kunjungi: Penang di Malaysia, lalu dua kota di Thailand, Chiang Mai dan Pai– meski bukan untuk merayakan ulang tahun saya. Dia, yang juga menyukai secangkir kopi hitam hangat di pagi hari.

Bisa dibilang semua berawal dari Traveloka. Semenjak 2016, traveloka selalu menjadi bagian dari perjalanan saya. Proses mencari tiket pesawat menjadi lebih mudah karena user interface appnya tidak membingungkan. Menurut saya tidak perlu ada panduan karena semua jelas di situ. Favorit saya adalah fitur best pricenya karena mempermudah memilih yang sesuai dengan budget. Cara menggunakan fitur ini juga sangat mudah. Cukup masuk ke aplikasi traveloka, pilih penerbangan, tekan tanggal, lalu aktifkan fiturnya di bagian bawah layar, harga tiket paling murah di tiap hari nya akan muncul. Perjalanan ke Bali waktu itu pun juga mengandalkan traveloka. Senang rasanya kalau melihat angka-angka berwarna hijau yang pas dengan kemampuan kantong. Haha. Merencanakan perjalanan jadi lebih sederhana dan bisa dipersiapkan lebih matang. Terutama untuk para pekerja yang harus mengajukan cuti dulu.

Perjalanan ke Thailand awal November kemarin untuk melihat Festival Loy Krathong dan Yee Peng juga jadi bisa karena dengan adanya fitur best price finder. Pada awal pencarian tiket, saya mencari dulu jadwal penerbangan dan harga tiket yang tersedia dari Jakarta ke Chiang Mai, kota tempat dua festival tersebut berlangsung. Ketika ternyata melebihi budget, saya putar otak mencari jalur lain ke Chiang Mai. Pilihan akhirnya jatuh ke penerbangan ke Bangkok terlebih dahulu, lalu melanjutkan ke Chiang Mai. Fitur best price finder membantu saya melakukan kalkulasi dan komparasi. 

Perjalanan mungkin memang tidak terlalu nyaman karena harus singgah juga di Kuala Lumpur International Airport dan Don Mueang Airport untuk transit, sebelum akhirnya sampai di Chiang Mai. Tapi rentang harga yang cukup jauh dan kesempatan meluruskan kaki sembari bekerja di lounge bandara membuat saya bisa melakukan banyak hal sekaligus dan tidak merasa waktu saya terbuang sia-sia.

Chiang Mai mengingatkan saya akan Yogyakarta. Sulit rasanya untuk tidak mencari perbandingan kota di tanah air sendiri tiap mengunjungi kota di Negara lain. Otomatis saja saat sudah mulai melepas lelah dan mengobservasi situasi kota, bukan karena berjaga-jaga agar bisa mendeskripsikannya ke orang lain. Saya tiba 31 Oktober malam hari. Setelah beristirahat, esok paginya kami mulai menjelajah Chiang Mai. Tidak jauh-jauh, hanya di china town, sekitar tempat kami menginap. Terutama karena saya masih harus menyelesaikan beberapa pekerjaan, begitu juga dia. Hotel tempat kami menginap memberikan informasi mengenai acara-acara yang berlangsung selama festival beserta lokasinya, jadi kami bisa lebih mengatur rencana.

Sebuah kuil di Chiang Mai

Sekadar informasi, Festival Loy Krathong dan Yee Peng adalah dua festival yang berbeda namun diselenggarakan pada kurun waktu yang bersamaan dan kerap disebut Festival Cahaya Thailand (Thai Festival of Lights). Puncak acara Loy Krathong adalah menghanyutkan lentera di sungai. Lentera ini terbuat dari batang daun pisang dan dihiasi oleh bunga, lilin, daun pisang dan batang dupa. Puncak acara festival Yee Peng juga ditandai dengan pelepasan lentera, hanya saja tidak di sungai, melainkan ke langit. Lentera yang terbuat dari kertas akan mengembang karena udara panas yang dihasilkan saat sumbu lentera dibakar. Berdasarkan tradisi, mereka yang berpartisipasi di festival ini bisa mengucapkan permohonan sesaat sebelum menerbangkan atau menghanyutkan lentera karena dipercaya bisa membawa nasib baik selama setahun ke depan.

2 November menjadi hari pembuka festival yang berlangsung selama 3 hari tersebut. Tidak banyak kegiatan pada hari itu, hanya pertunjukan tarian tradisional Lanna di mana banyak perempuan – berdasarkan pemantauan saya mungkin jumlahnya mencapai 100 – memegang lilin yang menyala di sela-sela jari tangan dan berbaris rapi sembari menari di sepanjang jalan. Esoknya, tanggal 3 November, hari yang menjadi puncak festival dimulai dengan seremoni penyalaan lilin di kuil Wat Phan Tao pukul 18.30. Setelah menghabiskan satu jam menyaksikan festival, kami memutuskan untuk bergerak ke lokasi ke-dua yang menjadi pusat pelepasan lentera ke langit yang terletak sekitar 1 kilometer dari kuil tersebut. Di jalan yang saya lupa namanya, ratusan orang berkumpul dan siap menerbangkan lentera. Usai mengucapkan permohonan, kami melepas lentera yang untungnya tidak tersangkut di batang pohon atau terbakar.

Setelahnya kami beranjak untuk mengisi perut dan pulang karena esok akan melanjutkan perjalanan ke Pai. Tanggal 4 November pagi hari, kami berkemas dan menuju stasiun bus Chiang Mai. Pai adalah kota yang bisa dibilang sedang naik daun dan banyak direkomendasikan oleh para traveler dan warga setempat saat sudah di Chiang Mai karena letaknya yang hanya

Page 360: The Advice From The Smartest Man in the Universe

And I LOVE it!

Page 359: Strangers and a Noisy World

Do you remember those days when you were kids, your parent(s) told you not to talk to strangers? It's a little bit funny, I think. Funny because when the world has defined you as an adult, you're sort of demanded to be able to talk to strangers, to connect, and to differentiate between the good ones and the bad ones. Those who are harmless, and those who can cause pain - and protect yourself from the latter, or learn how to heal your wounds that they made. You'll meet those who turn into your friends until your last breath, and you will also meet those who are stopping by and be one of those short stories in your life.

As an adult in the digital era, meeting strangers and talk to them (using your mouth or fingers) as an effort to muffle loneliness and insecurity that come once in a while is pretty easy, isn't it? I know I can't speak on behalf of everyone. Different people, different ways of see things. I say pretty easy because technology has provided us a new way to connect to each other, break some walls as well as created ones.

I had the thoughts above when I sat on some spot in that park, with a "stranger" sat next to me. The shy guy who shared his stories and thoughts and listened to mine as well. Stories and thoughts that only some people that have been friends with me for years ever heard.

He said he liked to listen to my stories. He said things that made me feel good about myself too. Nearly complacent, to be exact. He also told me about his issues and shyness, that make him - more often than not - appear quiet and hesitant to speak up although he has things to say.

We sat there until the sky turned dark and our stomachs demanded food. I wanted to say something to him but I didn't say it that time, simply because I hadn't figured out how to elaborate the thought.

Not until a few days after he left I finally can compose the thought. My fingers danced on the keyboard as I was telling him to not throwing away the more-listening-less-talking quality he has. "This is a noisy world after all.." I typed the last sentence and hit the send button.

Sometimes, some strangers can give you good stories and lessons.
Even when they don't talk as much as you do.
If you're patient enough to listen.
And let them know you will listen.

Another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults

Page 358: Sometimes (part 35)

It's amazing how some stranger can articulate your feeling, eloquently.

Page 357: On Science Fiction

Once, my cousin told me why she never liked SciFi movies: because it’s so far from reality. She can’t enjoy Star Wars, she thought Matrix was a “so-so”, and she rolled her eyes when I told her how good District 9 was.

But I understood her reason, because she’s right. Yes, it’s far from reality, hasn’t happened, or may never happen. But that’s the most enticing part of SciFi, IMHO. To see something different and wonderful that comes from ideas and imagination. It feels good to be an escapist once in a while, right? Haha. It was my dad who’s “responsible” for my fondness for this genre and made me a nerd. I still remember when I was a kid, he used to wake me up in the middle of the night to watch The X-Files and other alien movies. And then it became our thing, not just to watch SciFi series or movies, but also talk about UFO sightings and the idea of other entities from other planets.

Anyway, I watched Alien: Covenant a few days ago. And spoiler alert: it was goooood! I think it takes the franchise to the next level, because this part of the prequel series not only tells about the history of xenomorph (and brought it back to the screen. Yass!), but also intrigues questions about creation and existence. And what I love most about this franchise is that the lead characters that slayed those creatures were women! I find it empowering.

image courtesy: here

Since we’re talking about SciFi movies, I’m going to share a list of my favorite ones (as usual, I’m gonna pretend that I have many regular visitors. Ha). And no, I didn’t rank them.

Paul

A comedy about obnoxious alien named Paul who tried to find a way back to his planet. If you love Simon Pegg, you should watch this. Not a fan of SciFi? Well, I’m gonna say, watch it anyway. To quote Paul, “sometimes, you just gotta roll the dice”

LIFE

It’s intense and there are interesting lines about the joy of running away from earth, reality, and crazy things that people do to each other.

Arrival

This one is also on a list of movies I watched more than one time and I wouldn’t mind to watch it again. Maybe because of the opening and ending scenes. And oh that beautiful song! This movie isn’t just about the encounter with some alien race, but also about connections, loneliness,

Page 356: The Reason Why

And that morning, you held her tight, kept telling her that it’s okay. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. She sobbed, she peed herself. Her diaper was drenched. She said she couldn’t hold it and it’s just happened when she was still asleep. “I know. I know. It’s okay, it’s okay. I’ll clean it. Let’s take a shower and change your diaper,” you said.

And as you watched her eating her breakfast, you realized that she has changed. Some part of you knew before that, but other part refused to believe that she has changed that much. That morning, it was the first morning you accepted the fact that the strong independent woman who raised you has been stressed out for years because of her illness and it has changed her. That woman who used to be so frikkin excellent at math, who was like a walking calculator has lost her ability to count that fast. That the woman who used to have remarkable memory, has changed into someone who forgot names and details.

You remembered the fights you had with her when you’re a teenager. You’ve always been the rebellious one, the one who broke her rules. You used to argue a lot with her, and now, she looks like she has no will to share stories and her thoughts. You missed arguing with her. You missed talking about books you just read. You know that although you and her had so many different ways of seeing things, she was the one who introduced you to the joy of reading books.

And you went to the other room because you didn’t want her to see your tears. Because you remembered that once, when everything was still alright, she said that although you’re one of the toughest “enemies” she's ever had, you’re also the evidence that she has raised a tough woman who can take care of herself and can stand up for what she believes in.

You wiped the tears from your cheeks and left the room. You looked cheerful when you told her about your dream last night, the ritual you two always enjoy. And she analyzed it using her knowledge she got from Primbon. And you two laughed. You looked cheerful. You tried. Although you can tell from her face that she knew you just cried. But you tried to look cheerful anyway. Because you wanted her to see that you are tough, and she made you that way. She’s the reason why. The reason why.

Page 355: On Amazing Quirky Brutally Honest People

Look, life isn’t always nice to me, but I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing quirky brutally honest people who make this life more colorful and bearable. Like this one.

She’s one of the toughest bitches I know. We met more than a decade ago. And o boy, I forgot how many times she laughed at my problems. Ha. But she has this ability to make me laugh at my problems as well. She was there when I was at my lowest. She didn’t judge me when I did stupid things. We had fights, we argued, but I know she’ll be there when I need her help or support. Vice versa.

She’ll stay with people as long as they still want her in their life. The same value I hold tightly.

She’s a drama queen who told me to be brave to break my own heart, but also the one who pulled me back to reality and be whole again when everything has been said and done.

There’s a nice..enlightenment..sorta..after I talked to her the last time. About how I felt for this person. Maybe I did fall, maybe I didn’t. Maybe I just wanted a story after not having one for so long. But the enlightenment was..it doesn’t really matter anyway right now. What’s done is done. Another lesson, another story, another series of bitter sweet fleeting moments. Life goes on and so do we. 

I’m glad I have her and other amazing quirky brutally honest friends in my life. And to you, who read this, I hope you have this kinda people in your life too. I really do. :)

Page 354: Sometimes (part 34)

Attended a wedding a few days ago. And as I predicted, people asked why I’m still single. I shrugged, as usual, and put a chagrined smile. I predicted too, that some of them would say that it’s because I have a good job. Too good for women. It makes me look too independent. Men would feel intimidated. And as usual, I replied “oh what a win-win solution then! Because I don’t want to be with a guy who feels intimidated by my achievements either. He can have his own thing. I can have mine.”

More often than not, I smile afterward. But that time I was too tired. Physically. Emotionally. So I let them see my resting bitch face. I let them see I was being serious with my statement. That every cell in my body was annoyed. Annoyed with this society that considers small talk like that is acceptable. That considers men have to be superior. That considers women as tools to feed their ego.

Sometimes, the way they worship some fallacy exhausts me.

Page 353: On Happiness as a Choice

I posted it one time on my instagram account, about that famous quote "happiness is a choice" that I thought was silly AF. I know many people have posted it to show that somehow, they believe that life can be wonderful if you want to. A simple decision. Summon it because you want it..and voila, you're happy. That you're sad because you allow sadness to affect you.

To be honest, I find it a little bit annoying. One time my friend showed me that quote and my first reaction was "ooh inspiring, tell that to starving people, to people who have been fighting depression for years, to victims of war". Don't get me wrong, I believe that little things can make you happy, like decent meal, the bright sky, a thank you note from your colleague, a hug from your loved one, etc. And it's great to try to do something to motivate yourself and others to stay positive. And you can train yourself to be grateful for those little things. But to oversimplify it by saying that happiness is a choice, it doesn't feel quite right. It’s like belittling other people’s efforts, in a way.

I've involved in a poverty alleviation project in the past, pretty sure those underprivileged people who go to bed every night wondering whether they would be able to get food to munch the next day or not, would punch me in the face if I told them to simply choose happiness if they want to be happy. No, sometimes happiness is like education, it's not a choice, it's a privilege. Luxury even.

Page 352: The Wonderful Thing

The most wonderful thing someone said to me recently:

"Stop being confused or embarrassed. Had feelings for someone you just met months ago isn't a sign that you're weak or desperate or melodramatic. It's a sign that you have that ability to see people through their skins. That you have that ability to appreciate the connection you make. That you have a kind soul. It's rare. It's wonderful."

Thanks, C.

Page 352: A Letter Not to Be Sent*

I've ripped this page. Still no regrets for published it once. But there's no point of glorifying that silly-mushy story anymore.

Page 351: Stills, Words, and Strangers

Some personal ongoing project. Click here to see more.