Page 362: Her Morning Elegance

The beautiful song that always calms me down yet somehow makes me contemplate a little bit during rainy day.

The thunder makes her contemplate

She hears a noise behind the gate

Perhaps a letter with a dove

Perhaps a stranger she could love

And she fights for her life

As she puts on her coat

And she fights for her life on the train

She looks at the rain as it pours

Page 361: Perjalanan Singkat ke Dua Kota di Thailand

Dua puluh tujuh. Usia ketika kali pertama saya memutuskan untuk memulai tradisi “birthday trip” di minggu yang menyelipkan tanggal kelahiran saya. Pengingat bahwa hidup harus terus melaju. Bahwa hidup bukan hanya Jakarta, kota tempat saya lahir, dibesarkan, dan kembali ditempati selepas kuliah di kota lain. Karena hidup tak lain adalah perjalanan, di mana bukan hanya kaki yang melangkah dari satu titik ke titik lainnya dan menuai lelah di raga, tapi juga pikiran dan jiwa yang mereguk pengalaman dan pelajaran. Lewat tempat baru, situasi baru, orang baru.

Bagi saya, ada kenikmatan menjadi orang asing di tempat asing. Berinteraksi dengan orang lain walau sejenak. Namun yang paling saya nikmati adalah interaksi dengan diri saya sendiri. Tentang memori, tentang perjalanan yang sudah lewat, tentang hidup. Kontemplasi, saat melihat wajah-wajah yang saya tidak tahu namanya di keramaian dengan secangkir kopi yang saya tangkup dengan kedua telapak tangan. Kadang saya teringat kata teman saya kalau mungkin saya sudah bisa punya rumah dan mobil sendiri kalau penghasilan tidak dikeluarkan untuk jalan-jalan. Kalau saya sudah seharusnya menabung untuk masa depan dan mengurangi “hobi” itu. Haha. Karena walaupun tradisi jalan-jalan pada saat bertambah usia baru dimulai lima tahun lalu, jauh sebelumnya saya memang sudah menikmati aktivitas menjelajah tempat baru.

Mungkin teman saya ada benarnya. Tapi kalau saya tidak melakukan perjalanan ke Bali di pertengahan tahun ini mungkin saya tidak akan bertemu sosok itu. Dia, yang mengajarkan saya untuk berani lagi memulai komitmen baru dan belajar untuk mempercayai orang lain, tapi terutama diri saya sendiri, bahwa perjalanan yang kami mulai akan membuat kami menjadi dua individu yang lebih baik. Dia yang akhirnya menjadi rekan saya menjelajah tiga tempat terakhir yang saya kunjungi: Penang di Malaysia, lalu dua kota di Thailand, Chiang Mai dan Pai– meski bukan untuk merayakan ulang tahun saya. Dia, yang juga menyukai secangkir kopi hitam hangat di pagi hari.

Bisa dibilang semua berawal dari Traveloka. Semenjak 2016, traveloka selalu menjadi bagian dari perjalanan saya. Proses mencari tiket pesawat menjadi lebih mudah karena user interface appnya tidak membingungkan. Menurut saya tidak perlu ada panduan karena semua jelas di situ. Favorit saya adalah fitur best pricenya karena mempermudah memilih yang sesuai dengan budget. Cara menggunakan fitur ini juga sangat mudah. Cukup masuk ke aplikasi traveloka, pilih penerbangan, tekan tanggal, lalu aktifkan fiturnya di bagian bawah layar, harga tiket paling murah di tiap hari nya akan muncul. Perjalanan ke Bali waktu itu pun juga mengandalkan traveloka. Senang rasanya kalau melihat angka-angka berwarna hijau yang pas dengan kemampuan kantong. Haha. Merencanakan perjalanan jadi lebih sederhana dan bisa dipersiapkan lebih matang. Terutama untuk para pekerja yang harus mengajukan cuti dulu.

Perjalanan ke Thailand awal November kemarin untuk melihat Festival Loy Krathong dan Yee Peng juga jadi bisa karena dengan adanya fitur best price finder. Pada awal pencarian tiket, saya mencari dulu jadwal penerbangan dan harga tiket yang tersedia dari Jakarta ke Chiang Mai, kota tempat dua festival tersebut berlangsung. Ketika ternyata melebihi budget, saya putar otak mencari jalur lain ke Chiang Mai. Pilihan akhirnya jatuh ke penerbangan ke Bangkok terlebih dahulu, lalu melanjutkan ke Chiang Mai. Fitur best price finder membantu saya melakukan kalkulasi dan komparasi. 

Perjalanan mungkin memang tidak terlalu nyaman karena harus singgah juga di Kuala Lumpur International Airport dan Don Mueang Airport untuk transit, sebelum akhirnya sampai di Chiang Mai. Tapi rentang harga yang cukup jauh dan kesempatan meluruskan kaki sembari bekerja di lounge bandara membuat saya bisa melakukan banyak hal sekaligus dan tidak merasa waktu saya terbuang sia-sia.

Chiang Mai mengingatkan saya akan Yogyakarta. Sulit rasanya untuk tidak mencari perbandingan kota di tanah air sendiri tiap mengunjungi kota di Negara lain. Otomatis saja saat sudah mulai melepas lelah dan mengobservasi situasi kota, bukan karena berjaga-jaga agar bisa mendeskripsikannya ke orang lain. Saya tiba 31 Oktober malam hari. Setelah beristirahat, esok paginya kami mulai menjelajah Chiang Mai. Tidak jauh-jauh, hanya di china town, sekitar tempat kami menginap. Terutama karena saya masih harus menyelesaikan beberapa pekerjaan, begitu juga dia. Hotel tempat kami menginap memberikan informasi mengenai acara-acara yang berlangsung selama festival beserta lokasinya, jadi kami bisa lebih mengatur rencana.

Sebuah kuil di Chiang Mai

Sekadar informasi, Festival Loy Krathong dan Yee Peng adalah dua festival yang berbeda namun diselenggarakan pada kurun waktu yang bersamaan dan kerap disebut Festival Cahaya Thailand (Thai Festival of Lights). Puncak acara Loy Krathong adalah menghanyutkan lentera di sungai. Lentera ini terbuat dari batang daun pisang dan dihiasi oleh bunga, lilin, daun pisang dan batang dupa. Puncak acara festival Yee Peng juga ditandai dengan pelepasan lentera, hanya saja tidak di sungai, melainkan ke langit. Lentera yang terbuat dari kertas akan mengembang karena udara panas yang dihasilkan saat sumbu lentera dibakar. Berdasarkan tradisi, mereka yang berpartisipasi di festival ini bisa mengucapkan permohonan sesaat sebelum menerbangkan atau menghanyutkan lentera karena dipercaya bisa membawa nasib baik selama setahun ke depan.

2 November menjadi hari pembuka festival yang berlangsung selama 3 hari tersebut. Tidak banyak kegiatan pada hari itu, hanya pertunjukan tarian tradisional Lanna di mana banyak perempuan – berdasarkan pemantauan saya mungkin jumlahnya mencapai 100 – memegang lilin yang menyala di sela-sela jari tangan dan berbaris rapi sembari menari di sepanjang jalan. Esoknya, tanggal 3 November, hari yang menjadi puncak festival dimulai dengan seremoni penyalaan lilin di kuil Wat Phan Tao pukul 18.30. Setelah menghabiskan satu jam menyaksikan festival, kami memutuskan untuk bergerak ke lokasi ke-dua yang menjadi pusat pelepasan lentera ke langit yang terletak sekitar 1 kilometer dari kuil tersebut. Di jalan yang saya lupa namanya, ratusan orang berkumpul dan siap menerbangkan lentera. Usai mengucapkan permohonan, kami melepas lentera yang untungnya tidak tersangkut di batang pohon atau terbakar.

Setelahnya kami beranjak untuk mengisi perut dan pulang karena esok akan melanjutkan perjalanan ke Pai. Tanggal 4 November pagi hari, kami berkemas dan menuju stasiun bus Chiang Mai. Pai adalah kota yang bisa dibilang sedang naik daun dan banyak direkomendasikan oleh para traveler dan warga setempat saat sudah di Chiang Mai karena letaknya yang hanya

Page 360: The Advice From The Smartest Man in the Universe

And I LOVE it!

Page 359: Strangers and a Noisy World

Do you remember those days when you were kids, your parent(s) told you not to talk to strangers? It's a little bit funny, I think. Funny because when the world has defined you as an adult, you're sort of demanded to be able to talk to strangers, to connect, and to differentiate between the good ones and the bad ones. Those who are harmless, and those who can cause pain - and protect yourself from the latter, or learn how to heal your wounds that they made. You'll meet those who turn into your friends until your last breath, and you will also meet those who are stopping by and be one of those short stories in your life.

As an adult in the digital era, meeting strangers and talk to them (using your mouth or fingers) as an effort to muffle loneliness and insecurity that come once in a while is pretty easy, isn't it? I know I can't speak on behalf of everyone. Different people, different ways of see things. I say pretty easy because technology has provided us a new way to connect to each other, break some walls as well as created ones.

I had the thoughts above when I sat on some spot in that park, with a "stranger" sat next to me. The shy guy who shared his stories and thoughts and listened to mine as well. Stories and thoughts that only some people that have been friends with me for years ever heard.

He said he liked to listen to my stories. He said things that made me feel good about myself too. Nearly complacent, to be exact. He also told me about his issues and shyness, that make him - more often than not - appear quiet and hesitant to speak up although he has things to say.

We sat there until the sky turned dark and our stomachs demanded food. I wanted to say something to him but I didn't say it that time, simply because I hadn't figured out how to elaborate the thought.

Not until a few days after he left I finally can compose the thought. My fingers danced on the keyboard as I was telling him to not throwing away the more-listening-less-talking quality he has. "This is a noisy world after all.." I typed the last sentence and hit the send button.

Sometimes, some strangers can give you good stories and lessons.
Even when they don't talk as much as you do.
If you're patient enough to listen.
And let them know you will listen.

Another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults

Page 358: Sometimes (part 35)

It's amazing how some stranger can articulate your feeling, eloquently.

Page 357: On Science Fiction

Once, my cousin told me why she never liked SciFi movies: because it’s so far from reality. She can’t enjoy Star Wars, she thought Matrix was a “so-so”, and she rolled her eyes when I told her how good District 9 was.

But I understood her reason, because she’s right. Yes, it’s far from reality, hasn’t happened, or may never happen. But that’s the most enticing part of SciFi, IMHO. To see something different and wonderful that comes from ideas and imagination. It feels good to be an escapist once in a while, right? Haha. It was my dad who’s “responsible” for my fondness for this genre and made me a nerd. I still remember when I was a kid, he used to wake me up in the middle of the night to watch The X-Files and other alien movies. And then it became our thing, not just to watch SciFi series or movies, but also talk about UFO sightings and the idea of other entities from other planets.

Anyway, I watched Alien: Covenant a few days ago. And spoiler alert: it was goooood! I think it takes the franchise to the next level, because this part of the prequel series not only tells about the history of xenomorph (and brought it back to the screen. Yass!), but also intrigues questions about creation and existence. And what I love most about this franchise is that the lead characters that slayed those creatures were women! I find it empowering.

image courtesy: here

Since we’re talking about SciFi movies, I’m going to share a list of my favorite ones (as usual, I’m gonna pretend that I have many regular visitors. Ha). And no, I didn’t rank them.

Paul

A comedy about obnoxious alien named Paul who tried to find a way back to his planet. If you love Simon Pegg, you should watch this. Not a fan of SciFi? Well, I’m gonna say, watch it anyway. To quote Paul, “sometimes, you just gotta roll the dice”

LIFE

It’s intense and there are interesting lines about the joy of running away from earth, reality, and crazy things that people do to each other.

Arrival

This one is also on a list of movies I watched more than one time and I wouldn’t mind to watch it again. Maybe because of the opening and ending scenes. And oh that beautiful song! This movie isn’t just about the encounter with some alien race, but also about connections, loneliness,

Page 356: The Reason Why

And that morning, you held her tight, kept telling her that it’s okay. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. She sobbed, she peed herself. Her diaper was drenched. She said she couldn’t hold it and it’s just happened when she was still asleep. “I know. I know. It’s okay, it’s okay. I’ll clean it. Let’s take a shower and change your diaper,” you said.

And as you watched her eating her breakfast, you realized that she has changed. Some part of you knew before that, but other part refused to believe that she has changed that much. That morning, it was the first morning you accepted the fact that the strong independent woman who raised you has been stressed out for years because of her illness and it has changed her. That woman who used to be so frikkin excellent at math, who was like a walking calculator has lost her ability to count that fast. That the woman who used to have remarkable memory, has changed into someone who forgot names and details.

You remembered the fights you had with her when you’re a teenager. You’ve always been the rebellious one, the one who broke her rules. You used to argue a lot with her, and now, she looks like she has no will to share stories and her thoughts. You missed arguing with her. You missed talking about books you just read. You know that although you and her had so many different ways of seeing things, she was the one who introduced you to the joy of reading books.

And you went to the other room because you didn’t want her to see your tears. Because you remembered that once, when everything was still alright, she said that although you’re one of the toughest “enemies” she's ever had, you’re also the evidence that she has raised a tough woman who can take care of herself and can stand up for what she believes in.

You wiped the tears from your cheeks and left the room. You looked cheerful when you told her about your dream last night, the ritual you two always enjoy. And she analyzed it using her knowledge she got from Primbon. And you two laughed. You looked cheerful. You tried. Although you can tell from her face that she knew you just cried. But you tried to look cheerful anyway. Because you wanted her to see that you are tough, and she made you that way. She’s the reason why. The reason why.

Page 355: On Amazing Quirky Brutally Honest People

Look, life isn’t always nice to me, but I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing quirky brutally honest people who make this life more colorful and bearable. Like this one.

She’s one of the toughest bitches I know. We met more than a decade ago. And o boy, I forgot how many times she laughed at my problems. Ha. But she has this ability to make me laugh at my problems as well. She was there when I was at my lowest. She didn’t judge me when I did stupid things. We had fights, we argued, but I know she’ll be there when I need her help or support. Vice versa.

She’ll stay with people as long as they still want her in their life. The same value I hold tightly.

She’s a drama queen who told me to be brave to break my own heart, but also the one who pulled me back to reality and be whole again when everything has been said and done.

There’s a nice..enlightenment..sorta..after I talked to her the last time. About how I felt for this person. Maybe I did fall, maybe I didn’t. Maybe I just wanted a story after not having one for so long. But the enlightenment was..it doesn’t really matter anyway right now. What’s done is done. Another lesson, another story, another series of bitter sweet fleeting moments. Life goes on and so do we. 

I’m glad I have her and other amazing quirky brutally honest friends in my life. And to you, who read this, I hope you have this kinda people in your life too. I really do. :)

Page 354: Sometimes (part 34)

Attended a wedding a few days ago. And as I predicted, people asked why I’m still single. I shrugged, as usual, and put a chagrined smile. I predicted too, that some of them would say that it’s because I have a good job. Too good for women. It makes me look too independent. Men would feel intimidated. And as usual, I replied “oh what a win-win solution then! Because I don’t want to be with a guy who feels intimidated by my achievements either. He can have his own thing. I can have mine.”

More often than not, I smile afterward. But that time I was too tired. Physically. Emotionally. So I let them see my resting bitch face. I let them see I was being serious with my statement. That every cell in my body was annoyed. Annoyed with this society that considers small talk like that is acceptable. That considers men have to be superior. That considers women as tools to feed their ego.

Sometimes, the way they worship some fallacy exhausts me.

Page 353: On Happiness as a Choice

I posted it one time on my instagram account, about that famous quote "happiness is a choice" that I thought was silly AF. I know many people have posted it to show that somehow, they believe that life can be wonderful if you want to. A simple decision. Summon it because you want it..and voila, you're happy. That you're sad because you allow sadness to affect you.

To be honest, I find it a little bit annoying. One time my friend showed me that quote and my first reaction was "ooh inspiring, tell that to starving people, to people who have been fighting depression for years, to victims of war". Don't get me wrong, I believe that little things can make you happy, like decent meal, the bright sky, a thank you note from your colleague, a hug from your loved one, etc. And it's great to try to do something to motivate yourself and others to stay positive. And you can train yourself to be grateful for those little things. But to oversimplify it by saying that happiness is a choice, it doesn't feel quite right. It’s like belittling other people’s efforts, in a way.

I've involved in a poverty alleviation project in the past, pretty sure those underprivileged people who go to bed every night wondering whether they would be able to get food to munch the next day or not, would punch me in the face if I told them to simply choose happiness if they want to be happy. No, sometimes happiness is like education, it's not a choice, it's a privilege. Luxury even.

Page 352: The Wonderful Thing

The most wonderful thing someone said to me recently:

"Stop being confused or embarrassed. Had feelings for someone you just met months ago isn't a sign that you're weak or desperate or melodramatic. It's a sign that you have that ability to see people through their skins. That you have that ability to appreciate the connection you make. That you have a kind soul. It's rare. It's wonderful."

Thanks, C.

Page 352: A Letter Not to Be Sent*

I've ripped this page. Still no regrets for published it once. But there's no point of glorifying that silly-mushy story anymore.

Page 351: Stills, Words, and Strangers

Some personal ongoing project. Click here to see more.

Page 350: Plot Twist

Midnight convo with a buddy in the Big Durian.

-

Him: How was it?
Me: Surprising plot twist. But I handled it well.
Him: You okay?
Me: I'll live.
Him: Ha! You're amazing. Don't you ever forget that.
Me: I know. Thanks for reminding me, tho.

-

And we laughed.
Oh how I love him and my people to pieces.

Page 349: On Leaving

Some say that leaving is easier than staying. I say, it depends. Sometimes it’s harder. It takes strength, courage, determination even. And it doesn’t always about running away or abandonment. It could be the gesture of trusting; to have faith in ourselves and in everything that we left behind, that they will be fine, and we will be too.

Everything..including people. Especially people, a set of hardest factor to walk away from. But it’s odd yet amazing how big and flexible a heart can be, to adjust and provide some space where we can mention names of those we have left, hoping that they will be okay.

As a person who’d care for people as long as I can sense that they still want me in their life, leaving is more about giving them some piece of serenity.

There's a little spark of sadness somewhere in my chest, of course.
But no resentment so far. 

No thorny fence will be built by me to keep them away, but I won't create a new path as well to reach out to them.

It’s my kind of non-zero-sum game farewell.
The final bellyache*.

It's inevitable.
And it is what it is.

*

Page 348: Current Addiction (part 21)

Yesterday my good friend Fely made a lovely painting of the pool scene from the movie Whip It. 

image courtesy: here

And just like that, I’ve been listening Jens Lekman’s Night Falls Over Kortedala over and over since last night. It’s been years since the last time I listened to this album. I still listen to Your ArmsAround Me sometimes, but other songs from that album has been away for a while from my playlist.

image courtesy: here

Impression is an interesting thing. The first time I listened the whole album it was okay. But now, I really like it. Lekman is indeed a versatile lyricist. I mean, come on, anyone who can write about pretending to be a lesbian’s boyfriend to hide that fact from her father, is, right? I like his sense of humor too.

Good album.

Page 347: Finding a Feather

Woke up this morning and found this tiny feather on the floor next to my bed. Kinda odd. I live on the 19th floor and there was no bird has entered my apartment. And I swept the floor at 8ish last night. Maybe the wind brought it here after that.

But maybe it's like..what some people say about finding a feather..that it's a positive omen that your calls have been heard and answered. 

Whether it's the wind or the omen, it made me smile. It made me happy. I still am happy.

I guess I wouldn't have been that happy if the night before I didn't go to bed with this..sadness and felt overwhelmed with many things and prayed really hard to the Almighty to get a little piece of serenity again. 

And I wouldn't be this happy if I didn't feel relieved a few hours ago when I realized that...I have let some circus and monkeys go. I used to think they're mine. I used to think they're precious. Now I know I was just one of the audience and it's time for me to leave the circus. It was a good show, though. Those monkeys were pretty entertaining. But that's it. 

And that's that.

:)

Page 346: DIY project this weekend - Himmeli

Are you that kinda person who likes to buy things because they look nice or cute and you think you can do some DIY project later with them but you’re not quite sure what the project is going to be? Yes? You’re nodding right now? Gimme high five, luv! Haha. So I bought this set of cute paper straws long time ago because..I have a soft spot for stripes. I’m okay with pink although it’s not my favorite color, not even make it to the top three. And I thought maybe I could do some DIY project with them later. But..like I mentioned in the beginning, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with them. So I just kept them somewhere in my room. But last week, after visiting Kemang Rooftop Market 2 at Coworkinc and met and talked to Takako, a talented and sweet Japanese crafter who lives in Indonesia and made himmelis, I thought maybe I could use those straws to make my own himmeli. I bought one of her mini himmelis too.

For those who are still unfamiliar with himmeli, it’s a traditional ornament with 3D geometric shape in Finland. The name "himmeli" is derived from Germanic / Swedish word "himmel", means "heaven". The traditional himmelis are made out of straws, hang above dining tables from the holiday season until Midsummer, believed to bring a good crop for the coming year. Recently, many designers and crafters have been inspired by the variant shapes of himmelis and use it for many things: hanging ornaments, planter, pendant, chair, etc.

If you want to make your own, there are many tutorials out there. From himmelis that used straws, to those that used brass pipes. Through this post, I’m just gonna share my own experiment making himmelis for the first time. I was planning to make

Page 345: Aurora

I'm not an expert on music. Sometimes it baffles me when someone says that I have a good taste in music. I know it's a compliment, and I'm flattered, but still, I can't quite understand the formula of good and bad when it comes to music. All I know that I like and dislike. Yes, I used to be that teenager and 20 something who thinks that what people think of the list of musicians I like, matters. I used to google what Rolling Stone or Pitchfork wrote about them. But now, not so much. It's more about how the songs make me feel. And lyrics is important to me.

When I listened Nature Boy (yes, a cover version of that famous song by Nat King Cole) by Aurora for the first time, I fell in love with her voice instantly. And then, the obsession began. And then I found out that she can sing, she can write, and oh she can dance. And when she performs, she kinda reminds me of my quirky queen, Bjork. In short, I find her magical.

And her songs calm my nerves lately. Especially Runaway and Murder Song (accoustic version).
I painted this Winter Bird yesterday. And during the process I realized that it also brought me the same piece of serenity, surprisingly.

Speaking of music, if you're interested in traditional music in Indonesia, or interested in culture, you should check Aural Archipelago. I know this project from a friend, and although I'm not a traditional music aficionado, I find it interesting and as a person who can't just leave Jakarta whenever I want to, I enjoy that sense of traveling vicariously through the project owner, Palmer Keen's writings and recordings. What I like most is that he doesn't just write about some music from some particular areas in Indonesia and how they sound, but he also tells about the people and the culture, that enriches his posts. The website doesn't have Indonesian version for each post, hopefully soon (fingers crossed), and hopefully the current situation doesn't make the website less enjoyable and can inspire more people to do similar projects, or at least, triggers interesting conversation about music and culture.

Cheers!

image courtesy: aural archipelago

Page 344: You Learn by Borges

I rearranged things on my laptop this morning. Rearranging stuff makes me feel better sometimes, when I feel kind of overwhelmed. And then I found this poem by Jorge Luis Borges. My friend sent me this when i was really down last year. It's really beautiful so I hope it will help anyone who accidentally visits my blog who's facing some similar problem. Especially women who are still struggling with self-worth issues. You're not alone, and it can hit anyone. No matter how attractive, smart, kind, funny you are, once in a while, you can have it. When you can't win someone's heart, or your significant other treats you badly, or when you decided to end an unhealthy relationship, you can have it. I hope this poem can help you fight the monster within. It did help me once. 

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn…

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth…

And you learn and learn…

With every good-bye you learn.

Page 343: Current Addiction (Part 20)

I like a song about love that doesn't have the word love in it but it's still powerful. 7 Hari Menuju Semesta by Melancholic Bitch is that kinda song. I heard their songs the first time yeaarssss ago. Since then, Balada Joni dan Susi has been one of my favorite concept albums.

I had this urge to listen Menara yesterday. This urge is..more often than not..inexplicable. It's like a habit I don't fully understand. And I'd listen to that particular song over and over. I remembered I gave Balada Joni and Susi CD to my good friend when he moved to Washington DC, but before that I copied all songs. But I think I lost them when I was repairing my old laptop. I tried to find Menara on the internet, but all I could find was the live version, which I could enjoy but didn't want that time. But I still have 7 Hari Menuju Semesta and Mars Penyembah Berhala on my laptop. So I listened to them and decided to put 7 Hari on repeat.

Thank you, Ugoran Prasad. For writing a love song in indonesian, beautifully, tastefully, far from cheesy weezy. You're not the only one and the first, but still, thank you. Oh, and I love your voice.

image courtesy: here

Kamis, Jumat, Sabtu, Minggu pepatkan seluruh semesta. 

Kamis, Jumat, Sabtu, Minggu jika kau menginginkannya.

Page 342: Sometimes (part 33)

Sometimes I wonder if the memories of moments I shared with some people affect them the way they affect me when they appear in their mind. Like the memory of me kissing your closed eyelid the last time we met, that suddenly appeared this morning when I tried to collect the consciousness after waking up. I could've chosen other part of your face to kiss, that night (besides lips, of course, the mandatory one.) I chose your closed eyelid instead. I tried to remember why I did that. Maybe because that kinda kiss is believed to be some sort of way to wish a person well on every journey this person will have. Maybe because of Amelie. Maybe because I wish when you close your eyes, the image of me would appear, and you would remember me the way I want to be remembered. Maybe because I like you more than I should. One thing I'm certain of, I do hope you’re well wherever you are right now and wherever you'll be.

I miss you sometimes, dear hollow boy.
Although I know you don’t. You never did.

Page 341: Again

Damn, it feels good to be numb again. Ah, thank you universe!

Page 340: Sorry

Today the universe reminded me that people who still want me in their life and think that I matter to them will reach out. Will ensure that I know that somehow the feeling is mutual through a few sentences, spoken or written. Show some small gesture that they won’t give up on me. Which also reminded me that some people won’t give a shit when I’m out of their life, since it won’t make any difference to them anyway.

Today the universe reminded me that I should say goodbye to some people. Literally or through silence.

-

“I’m sorry I give up” 

Can you spot the line on the postcard?

Page 339: Dark Humor

Dear Life,

Yes, I like dark humor, but I don't think I'd enjoy your joke this time.

You gave her hypertension, cardiomegaly, osteoarthritis..now early symptoms of dementia?

Gimme a break..

Page 338: Evasive

To me, it’s easier to be evasive, sometimes. It’s easier to bottle up my feeling if it's not that important. And I’m pretty good at it. And this is the most frequent strategy I use. Because I think that's how I choose my battle wisely. I’d take a deep breath and just smile, and as time goes by, what’s inside the bottle would evaporate. Including the uneasy feeling when I just want to be understood and some people don’t give a shit and make me feel like I’m just a nuisance and what I feel don’t matter. But still..it still hurts when it comes from people that matter to you. Hurts a little bit. I still have other bottle to contain it.

image courtesy: here

Page 337: instant

I should've taken a picture of you with my instant camera, so I can remember those moments when I was happy and everything else felt like a background noise and you canceled it. When I didn't have that altschmerz. Something that I can keep and reminds me in the future, that the moments were real.
Take care, you.

Despite knowing the journey... and where it leads... I embrace it... and I welcome every moment of it. - Dr. Louise Banks in Arrival

Page 336: Stonemilker

So far, it is the song that has been called "tragic" and "the saddest song" my quirky queen Bjork has ever written. But it is indeed one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. Heard it the first time in 2015, but I just realized how sad it is recently. Perfect song when you finally came to your senses that some stupidity must end to make you at peace again.

Page 335: Noise

Nothing lasts forever, I know that.
But you cancel the noise, somehow, and I like that.

image courtesy: dylan sada

Page 334: Shibumi is Here to Stay

Shibumi. A word that reminds me of so many things, but recently it’s more about reason to stay. While Shibui is a more common term that people use, my heart goes with how others call the concept: shibumi. Maybe because it has the word “bumi” in it, Indonesian for earth. Our planet. Our home.

It is our home. No matter how far we wander, we still live and breathe in it. Where we meet other souls at places and as we interact with them, we get to know them, learn about them, learn about ourselves too. Through conversations, through the way they react on things, and through gestures. As time goes by, some people just captivate your heart effortlessly – while some need more time as long as you give them the chances to – in which you get to call them your home. Some will reveal their true colors as you show them yours, and they will stay with you through the good times and the bad. They’ll be the reason you want to stay longer or even for the rest of your life, find and or give meanings through moments you share with them.

Why shibumi? Because it’s a concept of embracing inner meaning rather than superficial adornment, of simplicity, tranquility, subtle and unobtrusive beauty. My favorite japanese aesthetic term so far. The Japanese usually uses the concept in arts to describe the value that an object/ work has. The more someone sees and observes shibumi work/ object, this person can find new meanings and enriched beauty that cause its aesthetic value to grow over the years. Shibumi objects usually have simple appearance but details like texture or subtle patterns that make them need longer observation to find the beauty.

To me, it speaks about the journey to find beauty in imperfection too. And by journey I mean in the spiritual sense. The kind of journey you can have without moving from one place to another. From staying. From committing to yourself to take chances, and to embrace the possibility that you might get hurt during the journey. To build home. Build the connection with people that make you feel the inexplicable warmth every time you spend time with them. To be okay and comfortable in silence, because their presence is enough.

To stay is to not giving up easily. To fight boredom with willingness to observe and learn to appreciate beautiful imperfection in these people or in the city you and they live in. Because we all have them – flaws that we try to cover or fix; or insecurities that we constantly or intermittently have battle with. To stay is to practicing the concept of shibumi.

And no, it’s not easy, for some people. It takes time, honesty, a piece of selflessness and nurturing acceptance of the warmth that comes. Just like home as space, you try to add things that remind you of why you belong there. You arrange things in it to maintain the comfort and make it more than just walls and roof. That no matter how far you travel, you’d miss that space because it’s your home. The place where you can leave that secret part of your restless heart outside the entrance and wash away the exhaustion on your body from the trip or adventure you just had.

To stay is to feel, to learn and to grow. And to be brave to let it happen.

Page 333: Feelings

It baffles me sometimes..how some people can instantly be sure of how they feel and eloquently articulate it. Hahah.

me, avoiding questions about feelings

Page 332: Gets My Goat

You know what gets my goat? To be misunderstood by those who make assumption and stick to it without trying to clarify things..just to make them feel better about themselves.
I'm trying to nurture and preserve my humility and patience as often as I could, but seriously people, don't try to scratch my dignity. Don't even think about it.

Page 331: Disposable

For a brief moment, nothing else matters. Except the rhythm, your recklessness and that free spirit. The temporary satisfaction that will only be some small part of his journey and some story on your journal.
A nice distraction.

Still, when he left you took a deep breath and whispered to yourself, "be sturdy. Remember, for nomads everything is disposable.."

But the second after you put the four-string instrument back to the corner, you smiled.
Since it was fine. A fine story. A short fine one.

Page 330: New Things and Acceptance

00:00 - the first day of 2017. I heard people cheered. I saw fireworks.

2017 has started. The year of acceptance has started.

I decided that it should be the year of acceptance. It’s actually my friend’s ritual, Dinda, to decide a theme before entering a new year. I used to answer frivolously when she asks, but I decided to commit to it this time. Last year was a mess. A pretty huge one. Too many disappointments, sadness, and anger. Yes, I admit that it still had beautiful moments, but I can’t deny that it dragged me to some place where it’s hard for me to keep pieces of tranquility.

Acceptance, because I want to remind myself to be braver on facing everything. Be resilient. I started the first month of 2017 with new things too. Moved to a new tiny nest. And of course, visited a new place on my birthday, keeping the ritual of the birthday trip.

I was planning to visit Danau tujuh in Jambi, but I used the money for something else. Something more important. But I’m planning to have another birthday trip in April or May, maybe not to Danau Tujuh, but we’ll see.

Sooo..on the 5th of January..I went to Mangrove forest (forest..? hmm..More like a tourist park, actually) in North Jakarta. Faar north. It’s called Wisata Alam Hutan Mangrove Pantai Indah Kapuk. I went there with my friend Shila. It’s pretty easy to get there. We ordered uber and we got to the entrance an hour later.

We were pretty surprised that it’s actually kind of crowded. So many teenagers! We realized that although it was Thursday, it’s still NY holiday anyway. The ticket price was cheap, IDR25K per person. I had lunch first, and then we explored the place. This place had many instagramable spots and visitors who want to explore the river can rent the boat. I heard that