Page 258: For the Later Parade

For the lead and the dregs of my bed

I've been sleeping

Lower me down, pin me in

Secure the grounds for the later parade

Page 257: Little Morsels of Happiness in November

good food. new shoes. wayang. snake puzzle. good people :)

Page 256: Ra ra ra ra random

A bit “funny”, I think, for some people who think that to be an open-minded person means that you have to show your rebellious side, break rules, or do wild things. It’s as “funny” as to see boorish fundies/ atheists who try to dismantle people’s faiths and force them to embrace their beliefs. Open minded is simply realizing that people have their own ways to live their life, as long as it harmless, as long as it won’t bring more damages to this (already sick) society. Simply realizing that close minded people also have histories that took parts in shaping the ways they think right now, that they still have chances to open their minds and learn to accept differences in this world (whether we will have parts of those chances or not).

Anyway, RIP Paul Walker and oh Jennifer Lawrence, you’re awesome! I’d go lesbian for you (told ya this is a random post.)

Page 255: Sometimes (part 27)

Page 254: Do You Believe?

I believe that life is a game,
that life is a cruel joke,
and that life is what happens when you're alive
and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.”

― Neil Gaiman, American Gods

Page 253: Those Obnoxious Photos

As much as I believe everyone has rights to post whatever s/he wants on his/her social media accounts as long as it's not about supporting crime against humanity, pedophilia, or other disgusting things – twitter, facebook, instagram, etc – it still makes me scratch my head (sometimes literally), to see photos with themes like:

1. “Woo-look-at-my-obnoxious-drunk-face-because-i-had-sooo-muuuuch-fuuun-at-this-party-last-night” or
2. “Oh-sheesh-men-love-to-lick-my-face-because-i-am-so-frikkin-edgy-fun-hot-girl-well-of-course-these-guys-are-just-friends” or
3. “This-is-my-middle-finger-because-I’m-rebellious-guy-and-it’s-my-fave-gesture-slash-pose” or
4. Bad-attitude-non-artistic-selfie.

5 photos? Fine...

You’re a teenager? I can still endure it. Your hormones sometimes just drive you to do that kinda madness.

But if you’re an adult, a functioning one, but 70% of your instagram filled with those kinds of photos, I have nothing to say except, “gaaaahhhh”.

Honey, it’s not entertaining, it’s irritating. 

It’s not funny/hilarious, it’s obnoxious. 

It’s not horrendous, it’s tedious.

Gosh, I know I need to stop bitching around like a hollier-than-thou bitch about this kinda thing but still I posted this simply because it’s my blog :p

Page 252: Piye Kabare? Isih Apiiik. So No Ex-Militant Please

When I come home to see my parents, these topics usually appear when I talk to my dad: my job, aliens, weird/ silly gossips about our neighbors, my nephews and nieces, problems in our country and stupid jokes. The last conversation I had with him about problems in our country was how lotsa people think that Soeharto era was still better than what we have today, that they miss that era. It’s sad, especially when people who say it are educated and knew the real truth, what really happened under that 32 years regime. 

Yes, I’m acutely aware that everything was cheaper but hell-to-the-o, he did crime against humanity, his family and friends were practicing corruption (we’re still facing this shitty situation, yes yes I know, you don’t have to remind me of that. Still it wasn’t a better era, IMO), and we inherited debts from him.

My dad and I have never had faith in any ex-militants-who-turned-into-politicians. We think that this kinda people have more tendencies to become a dictator, a cold-hearted tyrant, and a megalomaniac than politicians with different backgrounds. That’s why we’re a bit worried knowing that some ex-militants who are predicted to run for the next election. Merely because some people still think that enthrone someone who resembles Soeharto is a good idea. It feels like they’d prefer to be blinded with temporary solutions for problems in this country.

Seriously people, just ask Google to give you information about Soeharto's crime. I did. It will show you 1,760,000 results. And it's really heartbreaking to read those articles.

Page 251: W-T-F-?! Seriously, WTF?!

From Jezebel:

New Zealand Teen Rape Club Is The Worst Thing You'll Read About Today

For the last two years or so, a group of West Auckland teen boys calling themselves the "Roast Busters" have gotten their jollies picking up sometimes-underage girls, feeding them alcohol, and then, once they're too intoxicated to fend off their advances, gang raping them.

Once the act has been completed, the boys posted videos of their exploits to social media in an attempt to name and shame the girls. The boys are privileged sons of law enforcement and an actor who costarred in The Matrix. The girls are too humiliated by their exposure to come forward. And police say they can't do a damn thing about it. In fact, police knew about the group's active and disgusting Facebook page but say they weren't able to have the thing taken down. [bangs head repeatedly on wall]

Read the full article here

---


SRSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?!

This is sick and i really wish that they will get arrested, raped in jail, humiliated, and castrated.

Gah!

Page 250: Camus on Suffering

In a 1956 letter to a hospitalized friend, Camus explores how body and mind conspire in sorrow and happiness:

The solidarity of bodies, unity at the center of the mortal and suffering flesh. This is what we are and nothing else. We are this plus human genius in all its forms, from the child to Einstein.

No, … it is not humiliating to be unhappy. Physical suffering is sometimes humiliating, but the suffering of being cannot be, it is life. … What you must do now is nothing more than live like everybody else. You deserve, by what you are, a happiness, a fullness that few people know. Yet today this fullness is not dead, it is a part of life and, to its credit, it reigns over you whether you want it to or not. But in the coming days you must live alone, with this hole, this painful memory. This lifelessness that we all carry inside of us — by us, I mean to say those who are not taken to the height of happiness, and who painfully remember another kind of happiness that goes beyond the memory.

Sometimes, for violent minds, the time that we tear off for work, that is torn away from time, is the best. An unfortunate passion.

--

My best friend sent me those words above a few days ago.  Somehow it feels like they kinda compatible with what I felt lately (also with Radiohead’s Scatterbrain). You know, when you feel like you’re emotionally exhausted, like you have this fathomless-inexplicable fatigue that can lead you to numbness and think that the best way to live your life and get away from your problems/suffer is probably to just take everything that you have in front of you? To realize that some people are meant to not get what they want – no matter how simple those things are, or no matter how hard they have tried – and just embrace it..be aloof..indifferent?

Yeah, I’m jaded. I still am. But I’ve been trying to cope with it by thinking that, “well, that's life, and suffering is part of it. Maybe the process to deal with it makes you stronger and wiser”.
And although i can't say that i'm totally zen right now, i'm ready to have hopes on several things again..to say to myself, "i can pull it off".

I guess.
:)

Page 249: Sister and Paths

Hey you,

I know right now you think you want more than what you have right now. And you think it’s not greedy, it’s normal, it’s natural, because you always think that if a person wants things it means that that person needs them as well. And sometimes you’re just tired of hearing people telling you about letting go and say things will just get better or everything happens for a reason.

And yeah, life is a bitch sometimes.

And I feel you, my dear sister. I really do.

So shake those thoughts out of your head, that my life is way better than yours. That you have made stupid decisions and wish that you can turn back the time (you know we’re not in one of episodes of Fringe, or Star Trek, or Doraemon right?).

Regret is okay, but it’s there only to remind you that you shouldn’t repeat the same mistakes in the future. You’re wrong if you think that I’ve never had any regrets with what I’ve done. You have no idea how tired I was when those people told me to be just a little bit like you. You know, to be “a good girl”, less rebellious, can cook and bake, this and that. But I ignored them anyway because I knew it’s pointless and stupid to compare two people just because they’re sisters. And maybe now it’s your turn to ignore them when they say that you shouldn’t have done several things so you could have a life just like mine. They don’t know me that well..about my life, about my problems, about my thoughts, about how I see things in life. And I’m pretty sure they don’t know you that well and what you’ve been facing, and they say things because maybe they think that they’re that wise. Maybe they even think that they’re the next Dalai Lama.

And I know that I’m not that kind of sensitive sister who will always notice if you lose weight, or just cut your hair. You know I’m pretty insensitive and really dumb when it comes to read emotions. But I love you and care about you.

We took different paths, and now you’re dealing with steep part of yours just like I’m facing mine.
We took different paths embellished with different stories, dramas, and bitterness.
We took different paths and that’s that.

Page 248: Low Cost Cars? Really?

“Four of Japan’s top automotive manufacturers are set to produce cheap and green cars in Indonesia by the end of the year.
And while the government has agreed to exempt the vehicles from the luxury tax to boost domestic sales, the vehicle industry has condemned the alternative decision to impose an excise tax.
The four companies — Toyota, Daihatsu, Suzuki and Honda — plan to produce a combined 500,000 low-cost green cars (LCGC) a year with total investment at $1.8 billion, according to Industry Minister M.S. Hidayat.

The plans follow the introduction of a government program offering carmakers incentives if they manufacture LCGC in the country as parts of an effort to make Indonesia an automotive production base for Southeast Asia and promote the use of local content.

“This program will employ many workers, from the primary industry to the spare-parts industry,” Hidayat said on Friday.

Still, the manufacturers are seeking to secure significant incentives from the government before deciding to proceed.”

Full article - go to jakarta globe

My brain had frozen for a moment after I read the news, right before I started to curse on how stupid that decision was. Really? Dude, you don’t need to be a genius to think that this plan would only worsen the city’s already clogged streets. Why don’t you just upgrade the current public transportation? We don’t need more cars in the street to make us more cynical about the traffic that we have to face every single day. Oh dear lord.

image courtesy: http://indonesiaurbanstudies.blogspot.com

Page 247: Giveaway of The Day

Two years ago, I did a project with two talented designers/illustrators, Aditya Wijanarko and Cempaka Surakusumah: “KIRA”, a short story collection. And two years ago, everyone can still read it online. But a few months ago I found out that evolitera, digital publishing company that has the right to publish my ebook, no longer has a website…only an app…designed for iPhone and iPad.

So, because I really love the artworks my friends made for it (my short stories are just so-so :p ), and I want anyone who doesn’t have an iPhone/iPad to still be able to see/own those cool stuff, I’m offering this:

• If you’re interested to have the full version, you can have the ebook for free. Just send me an email and I’ll send it to you. As long as you’re law-abiding, not claiming our works as yours, I promise you not to grab a scissor and shove it up your ass :D
• If you’re interested to have the hi-res version of the artwork(s), or posters, send me an email for price and size. Because I don’t have any rights to just give it to you for free. I have to ask my friends for it.
• Adit has redesigned the cover and some parts of it. He said he hasn’t finished the whole book, but if you think that it’s better than the old one and wanna have the hard copy version, lemme know. Also check Studio Minor on behance, they’re open for cool projects.:)

NEW DESIGN

Page 246: Look.. Dude.. If You’re a Journalist..

I expect you to not taking advantage of the ownership of your press ID for your own personal benefit. If you’re applying for passport for some personal trip, don’t use your ID to cutting in line or make the process easier/faster for you.

If you’re a journalist,
I expect you to be smart, open minded, wise, yet still humble. Because dude, this world already filled with lots of arrogant people who constantly bragging like a boring merry-go-round about their abilities and intelligences. Yes, of course you have to be good with words, your job demands that, but you’re more than just some annoying-lunatic-grammar-nazi who makes a conversation less interesting just because you always have that urge to fix what people say although you actually understand the context of things they say. Yes, you have to be critical, but..isn’t it sort of exhausting to criticize what people say when it’s not really necessary?

If you’re a journalist,
I expect you to be less judgy. Because as a journalist, you’ve probably seen/ heard/ read things more than most common people in this world. Because your job demands you to meet so many people with different characters, backgrounds, and things that motivate them to do things. Because when most people see things in black and white, you have the access to see it in so many different colors and layers. And I know that as human we tend to make our own judgments in our heads, but I think the first and wisest thing to do about it is to keep them inside our heads for a while and put considerations of the impact if we eventually decide to make a statement based on those intricate words in our heads.

If you’re a journalist,
I want you to know that, as an ex journalist and a person who studied journalism, I know it is not easy to be a journalist. No, it’s not. It’s hard. Sometimes, it’s hard as f*ck. It’s tiring, physically and emotionally. You have to deal with a tight deadline, try to be less subjective (IMHO, there’s always a hidden agenda and cover all sides is almost impossible), keep your integrity, and idk about other countries, but in Indonesia, the rate for salary is pretty low. Not to mention that some people have bad perception about your job and the risk of getting killed in a conflict area or because you’re writing sensitive topic about politics. That’s why not everyone can be a good journalist and spend years in journalism with ethics and idealism. You have to be tough and sane enough to keep your attitude. And I hope you’re sane and wise enough to digest this writing in a good way, unlike some journalists whom I accidentally met and give journalists a bad name.

Well, just a thought.

“No one has ever pointed a gun to your head and forced you to be a journalist. You got here of your own volition, because you love writing, able to digging the facts and feel the importance to affiliate with most people. So sharpen your ability to write and present news.

Feed your brain every day, like you feed your stomach. Keep an open mind to new ideas and thoughts.

Don’t be arrogant and judgmental of others. Those who do not agree with you does not necessarily mean stupid or crazy. Keep yourself away from worshiping stereotypes.”

-Asep Saefullah, journalist/writer

Page 245: Sometimes (part 26)

Sometimes i can still hear his voice echoes in my head,

"you're difficult to be with"

And I've been thinking about it lately.
Maybe he's right.

Page 244: Social Media and Friends

It’s been a while since I really read people’s tweets on my timeline. Weird. I’m a social media officer but I don’t really care about my own account. I did, a few years ago, when twitter was still a new “toy” for me. I even “abandoned” facebook for a bit because I thought twitter was simpler; a simple tool you use to share things with your friends.

Or to brag, sometimes.

It’s funny to remember how some people whom I followed used to be close with me in real life. Now some of them are just names in my timeline. Suddenly or gradually, we just stopped hanging out.

I know most of them weren’t planning it, and I’ve never had intention to do that as well. Maybe as time goes by, as each of us gets older, we realized that hang out with people you don’t really want to be with is just…waste of time. Or maybe it’s just me. I’ve never really liked to mingle and socialize with people because I have a mission to make people to know me as friendly-fun-charming person (of course it’s different when it comes to…say…get a job :D ). And it’s always organic, isn’t it? I mean, have you ever targeted a person to be your friend even before you meet that person just because your friend has been telling you good stuff about this person? I haven’t.

I grew bonds with my close friends just by accident. Like I found out that we read the same stuff, laugh at the same jokes, listen to the same music, or because of simple things…because they’re nice and genuine people.

But lately it was so easy for me to unfriend/unfollow some people because they post or tweet stuff I considered as irritating. I used to ignore or give comments, but now it seems easier for me to just unfriend them. Maybe I’m just tired and think that it’s useless anyway to try to make them realize that, “hey, misogyny is not cool”, “Victim blaming is stupid”, or “Stop saying that Hitler did those contemptible things because he got inspired by Quran unless you can show me some reliable research. Don’t ask me to believe in those photos of soldiers do things like sholat because I know a friend who can do that kinda “magic”. (Recently he posted a photo of him hung out with Metallica in his tiny apartment. Hoax, definitely.) Nevertheless, even if it’s true, I still think that Hitler was a malevolent-fascist-massive-killer. So please don’t use religion to justify horrible things he did because it’s sickening as hell”.

But maybe those people also think that my posts and tweets are stupid or I’m a deviant so they have that urge to change me to be like them. So I think it’s a right thing to do for now? To detach from them and just hope that no one gets hurt? Maybe.

My friends they come

And the lines they go by

Tonight I'm gonna rest my chemistry

Page 243: Aloofness

Using aloofness as a shield to face this life seems like an option lately.

Considering that some situations and expectations brought nothing but incredulity.
Considering that trusting and or put hopes on people leads you into disillusionment, sometimes.
Considering that to oscillate between try to trust that your efforts will bring results eventually and facing failures constantly is exhausting.

"and at once I knew I was not magnificent"

Page 242: Pardon?

Read this piece of an article posted by Jakarta Globe, and tell me...please tell me that I’m not the only one who thinks that the plan is totally ridiculous.

A plan by the Education Agency of Prabumulih, South Sumatra, to include virginity tests as part of its high school admission requirements has drawn the ire of legislators and education experts, who say that such an exam is a violation of personal space and an obstruction to a student’s right to an education.

H.M. Rasyid, the chief of Prabumulih’s Education Agency, told the Indonesian news portal kompas.com on Monday that increasing instances of premarital sex and prostitution among female students prompted the move.

“We’re planning on conducting virginity tests for senior high school students,” Rasyid said. “We have proposed it in the 2014 regional budget.”

Err…Pardon? What? Hah?
Sorry sir...but could you please explain it to me with some reliable research…what’s the correlation between morality and virginity?

O, and I also found an article about MUI agreed to that plan and encourages the government to make a policy about it because MUI thinks it prevents students from putridity. How about making a policy to prevent corruption and imbecility among politicians instead?

And why are you planning it only for FEMALE students?

Fuckin’ stupid misogynysts.

Page 241: A Sorta Fairytale

"Music is the shorthand of emotion."

-Tolstoy-

 

Remind me of the good old days when i used to have that dream to be a great journalist.

Page 240: Bad News

Bloodshed in Egypt.
Rich people hunt lions in Africa just because they're filthy rich.
A mother got murdered because her daughter wore jeans.

Bad news.
Bad news.
More bad news.

I sucked and succumbed to every word in those articles. Every fragment of those scenes.
What a crazy world.
Wait...a bunch of crazy people.

Page 239: Tired Heart

There’s a vague image of you and I sitting on a beach from a dream I had long time ago; a dream that had triggered my stupidity and grew some kind of odd interest in you. I haven’t removed it, but the interest has gone. The hope, to be exact. You’d drawn a bold line, and I respected your wish not to cross it. Obey the rule without hesitation until now, if I may add. But don’t ask me to go to other space where you and I can have loads of fun as friends this soon.

That’s too much for my tired heart.

Tori Amos - Merman

Page 238: Elusive*

Those elusive feelings are written on crumpling invisible papers in the hearts of ours.

And through those papers they live.
They breathe.

We’ve been too busy to remind ourselves that we should’ve removed them long time ago.
But we didn't do anything.

Light up the fire,
my dear.

Burn them to ashes.
Let the wind scatters what have been ruined.

Tonight.  Tonight.


---

*a prose for my best friend, amoy. Haks :p

Page 237: Delicate Morsel

YOU WILL
ALWAYS BE
A GHOST 
FLICKERING BEHIND 
MY EYELIDS 
WHEN I SLEEP

Kriz from jktxnyc

One of the warmest yet saddest sentences i've read last week.

Page 236: YOUR LIFE IS A LIE

"Nobody wins. Try not to cry. You'll survive. On your own." 

Yes, i can watch this bizarre yet cool video over and over again.

Page 235: A Postcard from the Big Durian

Less traffic. Less crowd. Jakarta gets its annual rest when lotsa people who usually utilize it to make a living leave it for a while to enjoy the most celebrated and longest holiday in this country: Eid Mubarak. Some of them go to their hometowns. Some of them take trips to other cities. And knowing that this city finally gets a break it deserves from the “tortures” that come from the hands of its citizens, including me, somehow soothes me a bit. I don’t know why. But that fact soothes me a bit.

Sometimes when I hear a person says that s/he likes Jakarta, I easily assume that that person isn’t being sincere, perhaps even preparing for some cruel jokes about The Big Durian. The best reason for that is maybe because I see it from my own perspective. I’ve never really loved Jakarta, although I was born and raised in this city. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don’t. But to say that I hate it could be a misleading statement as well, since that’s not how I feel, and Jakarta has been some kind of pond where I met people whom I like.

Whom I love.

Some of those people gathered with me to celebrate Eid Mubarak. Nothing of importance has changed, pretty much the same like last year. I was happy, but not ecstatically. It wasn’t vapid occasion, for sure. I felt such relief when I knew the festivity is over. Just like this “enticing” city, I needed a rest too. Probably I still need it for my emotional part, considering last month filled with lotsa suffocating shits. I need some kind of shield to ignore unnecessary stimulus that can lead me back in to that over-analyzing-my-life abyss. I’m building one.

Page 234: Sometimes (Part 25)

A popular anonymous phrase says “no pain no gain”. But sometimes you have to know your limit. When it hurts you too much, you have to stop.

Keep trying while knowing there’s no chance for happy ending is imbecilic.

//I just can't stay here every yesterday/ like keep on acting out the same/ the way we act out//

Letter To Elise - The Cure

Page 233: Consequences

Not so many people ever got warned the consequences of dream. We got bombarded by those messages to follow our hearts and passions.

Little that we know there’s a price to pay, or how difficult to reach the dream itself. It’s like having no map to a city but we believe that the city exists. Little that we know that the higher we fly the bigger possibility of pain we get when we fall, or getting too close to the sun and get burn, or lost supply of oxygen and we couldn’t breathe. 

But the reality speaks for itself. We’ll learn.

Page 232: Sometimes (Part 24)

Sometimes, although I’m bad at reading emotions, I still can sense when someone is not being sincere. Like it’s only on the surface, or they force themselves to talk to me because their friends like me, or so people would think that they’re humble and friendly. But hey, as long as it harmless, no probs with that, rite? Well, it irritates me a bit, but still bearable.

Page 231: Modern Guilt

I've been walking on these streets so long

I don't know where they're going to lead anymore

But I think I must have seen a ghost

I don't know if it's my illusions that keep me alive

"Volcano"

My dear friend Windy once said that people tend to easily attracted to songs that relate with their psychological conditions at that moment, unconsciously.

And I’ve been listening to Beck’s Modern Guilt the album these past four days. I love this album, by the way. All songs in it. Love it like…even if this album beats Radiohead’s In Rainbow on Grammy 2008, I wouldn’t mind. And Beck’s voice is just…one of the sexiest male voices I’ve ever heard with a little touch of desperation from his dark side.

Nevertheless, I’d never really paid attention to all songs’ lyrics. Not until three days ago. And…maybe windy was right. I felt the connection. Hehe.

So listen to it, love it, and we can be friends. Or if you’re a funny-smart-nice-cute guy, we can go out on a date.
:D

Page 230: So-Called-Reality

Sometimes “reality” shows make me want to throw TV with whatever things I could reach with my hands – of course something that tender enough so I won’t break it and still can watch movies and news. IMVHO, most of them are stupid, misleading, and fake. I know…I know…that it’s probably just a matter of scenario, that those people in that shows are different if you meet them in person. I understand that those shows have edited lotsa things from their daily life. That somehow, those shows have rebuilt their images. But some reality shows and their imbecilities just make me take a deep breath, or roll my eyes, or snort.

The show that pisses me off the most is probably Beauty and the Geek. Seriously, the way it uses dumb stereotypes not only debase pretty women, but also smart men. Oh yeah, if you’re pretty and sexy, you can’t be smart. If you’re blessed with flawless skin-amazing bone structure-nice curve you don’t have that obligation or need to read books and fill your brain with knowledge that can save you from being a stupid girl. Oh yeah, that’s definitely right, if you’re a geek male you have to look weird, sometimes creepy but then you can be that shallow when you meet gorgeous girls with huge boobies and wear slutty outfits. But hey, guess what, three seasons so far, so maybe its rank is good enough. In short, it has audience who probably love it to the bones.

Beauty and the Geek reminds me of another reality show that pretty popular when I was still a high school student, The Swan. Ugh, it showed that it saw how banal our society was. That it’s very hard for most people to accept an ugly person. Well, yeah, probably it’s true. But instead of provided wise solutions, that show, somehow, (again) IMVHO triggered and encouraged people to think that the only solution for that “problem” was plastic surgeon. Yeah yeah, some episodes showed me that those methods also good for their health, but more often than not were about outside beauty.

But I shouldn’t have been surprised with those kinda reality shows, right? It’s not the first time I saw something stupid on TV. And to quote Picasso, “the world today doesn't make sense”. So yeah, guess that the least that I can do is remember that those shows have their own realities. And it has failed to enlighten me, not even entertaining. Period.

Page 229: Ha!

Isn’t it funny how some people think that they had triggered lotsa things that you did? Like they’re the center of your universe?

Ha-ha-ha.

Page 228: Escapist

The hardest part of knowing that you’re unable to get what (or whom) you want is to let it go. Try to understand that it’s not entirely your fault. Try to avoid condescension.

I realized it’s easier to be an escapist, sometimes. Create your own realm. Inoculate your mind with dreams, hopes, and sweetness that you can imagine. Play god once in a while.

Occasionally.

But the hardest part to be an escapist is when you have to accept the fact that you’re actually a liar who lies to yourself; pathetic, because you know the truth after all, you constantly reminded by your logic that your dreams are obsolete, perforated and useless.

I think my logic just told me the same thing. 

Lately.

Ah well.

Page 227: Sometimes... (Part 23)

Despite the fact that bitter and cruel people somehow “amaze” me with their demeanors or the way they see things, knowing how some people still manage themselves to stay positive facing shits in their lives amaze me even more.  Seriously, I think it’s way harder to be a person who tries to always hold on that silver lining, hold it tightly. Because sometimes, some people just make you want to grab a scissors and shove it up their arses. 

Page 226: Sugar

You’re nothing but a sugar that stayed in my tongue for a while before I swallowed it; I still can remember the sweetness of it, although nothing is left to consume, eventually. Nothing.

This is my kind of art of letting go.

Page 225: Sing it Joplin!

I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!

Take it!

Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.

Oh, oh, break it!

Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah,

Oh, oh, have a!

Have another little piece of my heart now, baby!

Page 224: Sometimes (Part 22)

A seven YO kid murdered a six YO. It’s not an accident. You don’t even have to know the motive to say that it’s insane. 

Sometimes I’m afraid that someday, I won’t be able to put hopes in humanity anymore.

Page 223: That Night, When He Wasn’t There

A big smile, rants, and jokes. I could smell the scent of alcohol on his breath while he gently tapped my head several times before he hugged me. I looked at him closely that night, tried to analyze why many girls adore him, while I just like him as a close friend, like a brother. It feels weird sometimes…not to be able to find him attractive (well he’s pretty cute, he’s nice, he’s smart, but nothing like…”oh lord, I wanna hump him!”). I have never even imagined doing dirty things with him. “Eww. That would feel like incest” is what usually come out from my mouth when someone asks whether I’ve ever wanted to give a shot with this guy or not.

The other guy hugged me tightly. Told me that I’m smart right after I gave my opinion about “art nowadays”, “human emotions”, and “urban culture”. A friend once told me that she thinks that he has a crush on me. I laughed. And to be honest, didn’t give a shit. It’s not because I think that he irritates me in some kind of way if he has a crush on me. (If he really does, I would be flattered.) But it’s because I like him as a friend, and friend only. And his feelings towards me is his business. Not mine.

My mind wandered, questions appeared in my head. Stupid questions about a guy that wasn’t there. Things like… Does he think I’m smart? Does he think I’m funny? Has he ever wanted to hug me like that? Does he find me attractive? His friends like me, they often praise me and give me compliments, does it make him think that we may have chances?

Then I realized I probably had overvalued myself. That I did think that I’m smart enough, wise enough, fun enough, funny enough, good taste in music-movie-books, kind enough, sweet enough. Good enough. Just enough. Enough to make him interested in me.

Maybe it’s actually one of my shields when I feel that I’m not good enough to be with someone. Just to prevent myself from self-blame for my inability to make that someone likes me back.

I remembered what my friend told me when she read my tarot cards. My fear and hope card said that deep down inside I just want to be happy. But who doesn’t want that? Years ago, I reached a conclusion that happiness and sadness share the same throne in your mind, in your soul, in your heart. Just like love, is about moment. One of them won’t rule forever.

And that night, when that guy wasn’t there with me, I remembered those moments when I was happy enough just because of small attentions from him. Because of the way he laughs. Or because I saw his fingers moved when he calculated something. Or because the memory of one night when we sat on the same couch, not talking to each other, he was doing something and I was sketching. Because of those probably-meaningless-aimless interactions that we had.

Funny. How I thought that I should give a shot. And I did. And I think I knew the result anyway. But as Paul the alien said, “sometimes, you just gotta roll the dice.” 

That night, I know that it's time to stop, because you can't be with a guy who doesn't wanna be with you, right?

That night, I’ve decided not to pursue him anymore.
That night, I know I wasn’t fine, but I will be.

Page 222: Rectify What Remains

You gotta watch out for yourself

So will I

Page 221: Flirting is Not My Thing. (Oooh... Shocker!)

Let’s get straight to the point. According to my observation, there are three types of people when it comes to flirting:
1. People who “blessed” with that ability to flirt with anyone, it doesn’t have to be with a person whom they like. As easy as 1, 2, 3.
2. People who can flirt to person they like, not every time, but frequently they can keep up with the game. They can handle their anxiety, they can manage to prevail, blablabla, in short, they finally can make a move.
3. People who get too nervous when someone they like is around and makes them…well, look like idiots or like cold-hearted bitches. They usually DON’T flirt back, don’t make a move, or even when they finally came up with something nice to say, it’s waaaaay toooo lateeee.

I’m one of those #3 people. I’m an idiot, an idiot that looks like a cold hearted bitch. I usually get nervous when I have a crush on a guy, and when he talks to me, I will automatically come up with something short, cold, straight answers that seem to prevent almost all possibilities for us to talk longer than 10 minutes.

The thing is, I don’t know why I usually do that kind of thing. If I like a guy and he’s interested in me and he has no patience, he would think that I might hate him. Haha. I’m pretty sure of that.

Men I dated usually have more patience, or curiosity, so I think it made them kept trying until I felt comfortable and…be myself: Adorable and amazing. Haha. Kidding. I mean I’m not that quiet, I can make people laugh and talk about interesting things.

I can give you some examples of my imbecility when I have a crush on a guy:

That guy: Can I hold your hand?
Possible answers:
a. Sure, you can hold other parts of my body if you want to.
b. O baby, you have all blessings to do that. As long as you want to.
c. Why not, you’ve already captivated my heart (corny! But hey, that’s the point of flirting right? You have to have that courage to say it).
Me:
Yeah.

That guy: I like your choice of music. I’ve been listening when blablabla
Possible answers:
a. Really? Just my music? *follow by seductive smile (P.S I actually don’t know how to do a great seductive smile either. Haha)
b. Which one? Do you want to get a copy? I can also give you some reference. We can do it (emphasizing on “do it”) in your place. Just you and me.
Me:
Oh, thanks.

That guy: Are you seeing someone?
Possible answers:
a. I’m seeing you now. (look straight into his eyes)
b. It depends, if you want to be that someone, I can easily remove the other someone I have right now.
c. No. Do you want to be that someone?
Me:
No.

That guy: What’s your type?
Possible answers:
a. *Describe him. So he will get the clue*
b. I’m staring at him right now *staring at him with flirtatious smile*
Me:
Well. Funny guy.

For your information, those examples REALLY happened. Pathetic, huh?

Cue laugh.
Banging my head on the wall.
Mixing vodka with shampoo.
Singing Skinny Love by Bon Iver.
Imagining naked Kit Harington in front of me.
But then he transforms into a giant purple orc.
Zzzzzzz.

And that’s a picture of me and my beloved friend Abbey when we’re not actually trying to look silly. (I looove this picture by the way.) We are facing the same situation now: guys whom we like seem to like other girls. Haha. But she can flirt better than me, definitely. :p

and that's Kit Harington! fo sho!

Page 220 : Sometimes... Part 21

Sometimes,

when things feel like unbearable (lightness of being, #nope :p ), I imagine that I can hear God laughs at me, and I’ll be like, “really?!”.

But I always know that it won’t be too long before I start to laugh along, I don’t know why, still I haven’t found the funny part. Maybe later.

Maybe.

In a little while

I'll be gone

The moment's already passed

Yeah, it's gone

Page 219: This Country, Education, and Distrust

Yesterday I heard news on the radio that government is considering the idea to design 20 different types of questions for each student in a class for a national test, to prevent students from cheating during the test.

Questions:
Does that sound a bit pathetic?
Do they have to be that suspicious with the students?
Are we on that verge of distrust in education system in this country, of how we have educated students to be honest and confident enough to rely on their own abilities to answer questions?

No, I’m not saying that I have always been an honor student during school that never cheated. I did. Not often, but I did. And I didn't proud of it.

I just think that 20 different types are too much and not-a-healthy-instant solution.

Page 218: Disposable

It should be disposable.
That unrequited feeling. That illusion.
When everything is so obvious, what keeps us on put lotsa hopes?
It should be disposable.
Quick and easy.

Where’s the trash bin? 

"Illusion never changed into something real"

Page 217: This Tale Never Bores Me

And I love you, Roscuro, for your grudge, for your bad luck. For your heart.

Page 216: The Beach and Whitley

Last Sunday, I missed the beach and fell in love with Whitley. Well actually, I had his albums three years ago, listened to it for a while, and just that. But recently, I listen to his songs over and over, especially those from the album “Go Forth Find Mammoth”, well besides Let’s Get Lost by Beck and BatFor Lashes.

So i made...whatever these are...haha, but these are my little tributes for Whitley and the beach.

click and listen!

click and listen!

Page 215: Happiness trigger #14

Gave my dad a new harmonica, and after he said “thank you” and hugged me, he played “Obladi Oblada”  by The Beatles. Yeah, life is good :)

Page 214: Good stuff

You know it’s a good book or has meaning for you if you want to reread it all of a sudden. Open it on some random page or go straight to your favorite part. Same thing with music – you can just put some songs on your playlist and listen to them repeatedly – and movies, watching it again although you can still remember most scenes in it.

So I reread The Little Prince, listen to Jens Lekman’s Your Arms Around Me, Tame Impala's Solitude is Bliss, Arcade Fire's Wake Up, Beirut's Nantes and Postcards From Italy over and over, and watch Love Me If You Dare again.

Pretty good Saturday, eh?

Page 213: Why So Serious?

I like people who can laugh at themselves and embrace their imperfections.

So repeat after Joker, people, "Why so serious?"

Page 212: Could Have Been

You could have been there with me today, at Taman Suropati.

In a world where you’re not that busy.

In a world where I posses the power to demand fate to be nicer to me, not precisely obey me all the time, just for once in a while.

In a world where the word “sometime” means that you’ll try to execute (at least) one plan to become real.

In a world where you want to know more about me, share stories while watching the sun goes down.

In a world where we can sit next to each other without talking but still comfortable enough because I’m reading my book or sketching while you also have a good book in your hands.

In a world where you can see why one of your good friends likes to hug me and tell me that she loves me (because I’m adorable! That’s why! :p)

In a world where my legs are longer (unrelated, I know, I just think it’s probably fun to be taller. Haha)

In a world where I don’t have to write this “angan-angan tukang becak”.

But the real world shows me the opposite.

Apparently, the real world where we live chewed and spat me out.

Funny.

Laughing my ass off.

Really.

Then I decide to end this stupidity.

Page 211: Selfishness. Tonight

I always believe that when somebody in your life just passed away and you feel sad, you are actually mourning for your loneliness. More concern for your own fear that you, as a human being has limit in this world. For your own selfishness.

And I want to be selfish tonight because this woman whom I consider as my other mother just passed away. As much as I know that she’s in a better place now, because she’s such a sweetheart, I still wish that I could spend more time with her.

But ah, rest in peace aunt Tuti. Thank you for all those good times and best lasagna I’ve ever had.

I love you. 

We'll meet again 

Another life 

I tried to say I miss you tonight 

And they claim you've already died 

But the truth is that we're lost in time 

Stellastarr - Lost In Time

Page 210: Confuzzled Part 2

Read the 1st part here

Five

This Equation:
Getting drunk in front of public + bragging that you love it through every social media you have + proud with those pictures of you vomiting or passed out in the street = you’re a cool person.
I just don’t get it. No, it’s nothing to do with religion or I try to look like a good straight edge girl with halo on top of my head. It’s okay if you want to make fun of those moments, but when you’re overdoing it, I just don’t get it.

Six
The way some people think that:
- Sexuality is contagious. Thought like “don’t hang out with homosexuals, or you will turn into one in the future” is just plain ridiculous. 

- Is okay to be a homophobic because all gay will try to seduce or rape you just because you have the same-sex like them. Err…how about…no! *Dr. Evil style

- Homosexual = pedophile. Ask google, people. Ask Wikipedia. Those two are different things.

Seven
A person that thinks reading fiction books is wasting time and not as cool as reading nonfiction books. Once, I had to face this silly question, “why do you like reading fictions? It has no use for you, don’t you think? Only sells dreams. Better read something useful like Koran interpretation, or non-fiction that can make you smarter”. And lucky him, I was generous enough at that time to explain my point of view rather than assuming that he wouldn’t give a shit unless I throw or burn all fiction books in my book shelves. I told him that I also read non-fiction, I just think that I don’t have any obligation what so ever to make a daily report to him. And about his thoughts of fictions, I told him that yes, it contains dreams. But not only dreams, it also has wisdom, ideas, and lessons in it. Let’s see it this way, if non-fiction book were a road that can lead you to a place where enlightenment is waiting at the end of it, you can see pretty nice view on your way there. Just so-so view, still nice, but nothing mesmerizing. With fiction books, you can find tons of interesting-jaw-dropping things to watch, listen, and touch and at the end of the road you will find the same treasure. That knowledge, brilliant thoughts, everything you need to make yourself to be smarter. Also, every innovation born from dreams, thus what’s so wrong about read bundle of dreams and imagination if it can trigger you to create something real and useful? But after he listened to my opinion, he just left me with smirk on his face and said that he didn't understand my train of thought. I guess we agree to disagree.

Page 209: A Simple Thank You

This is probably hormones speaking, I know, I’m perfectly aware that during my period I can be a grumpy-melancholic-bitch. But I think it doesn’t take a genius to understand and implement one of the basic rules of social convention: if someone gave you something or helped you, you say “thank you”. Or “thanks” or “mucho gracias“ or “terima kasih” or “maturnuwun” or whatever suits you.

Some say that it shouldn’t bother me that much, because it’s a little thing, but for me, it’s the least that you can do to show a little respect for someone else. It’s not as hard as admitting your mistake and say “sorry”, don’t you think?

A simple “thank you” would be enough. 

I repeat. A simple “thank you” would be enough.

Page 208: Book Sniffer

Are you a book sniffer? I mean, literally. Do you take a break when reading a book just to smell the papers? Close your eyes for a while and just breathe in between pages? Well, I do, especially with old books. It’s kind of hard to explain, but just…comforting.

I think this is the reason why I have lotsa ebooks in my laptop but only read some of them. Haha.

Anyway, I just finished Kafka on The Shore by Murakami. And o boy, it’s goooooood. He’s such a great writer. He combined different topics and threw it inside the plot in an elegant way. From fate, identity, metaphysics, sexuality, to music and you won’t get lost and confused why he’d put it in that book. It’s like he’s a great fashion designer that sewn different materials and patterns yet still looks good.

See? Murakami understands that kinda feeling.

Read it people! And let’s fall in love with Oshima. :p. Oh, you should read Homunculus too. It's good :)

That’s a rare old book from my friend, dinda. 800 pages of fairy tales with an illustration for each story. I love to smell it sometimes. And no, you cannot borrow it, only read it in a place where I can see you. :p

Page 207: These are not My Words

It feels good when you suddenly hear some good words. Since my last post, I found some sentences that I considered as nice, wise even. Not all of them have connection with what I felt at that moment, or directly dedicated to me, but somehow they’re stuck in my head lately.